NERD SQUAD - Episode 10

The Nerd Squad turns the tables on their so-called FBI handler Richard Clapper.  

On the previous episode of Nerd Squad, Clapper asked Melinda and Billy to spy on each other as an FBI tryout. When they discover Clapper's chicanery, they decide to join forces and give Clapper a dose of his own poison.

Scene 1

Melinda and Billy are having a chat before they set out to spy on FBI agent Richard Clapper.    

Melinda:  So I’m meeting Clapper at The Trendy Bar.
Billy:  Perfect.  That’s a good place to blend in with all the other fake people.

Melinda (offended):  Hey!
Billy:  And what am I gonna do?   

Melinda:  Wait in your car.  When I’m done with him, you’ll follow him home.
Billy:  Why do I have to be the one to go to that creep’s house?

Melinda:  Because he’s falling head over heels to drink with me, not you. Besides, you get the better end of the deal as far as I’m concerned.  What if he tries to touch me?

Billy:  Good point.   

Scene 2

Hubert is at Sophia’s place.

Sophia:  Wanna go to The Trendy Bar?

Hubert:  Um, isn’t that the place where totally superficial people who are full of themselves hang out?
Sophia:  Yep, that about sums it up.

Hubert:  Doesn’t exactly seem like your kinda spot.
Sophia:  It’s not.  I just go there to plant seeds.

Hubert:  Ok, ya totally lost me.
Sophia:  I plant seeds of liberty by using what you might call “choice commentary”.  Come on, it’ll be fun!

Hubert:  Who’s driving?
Sophia:  I’ll get us a SteemRide.    

Hubert:  SteemRide?
Sophia:  Yeah, like UBER, but a million times better, and I pay with Steem.

Scene 3 

Melinda walks into The Trendy Bar.  The place has plenty of trendies chatting and texting away, while bad pop music plays in the background.  Clapper is seated at a booth facing the front entrance. Upon seeing Melinda enter, he gets a huge cheesy grin and starts waving his arms frantically.

Clapper:  Hey, over here! I’m over here!
Melinda (cringing fake smile):  Hi!

She takes a seat and Clapper leans in real close to her face, which causes her to instantly pull away in disgust.

Clapper:  Man, this place is hip!
Melinda:  What’s wrong with your hip?

Clapper:  No, no, this place! It’s hip!
Melinda (confused);  I don’t know what that means.   

Clapper:  What? Ya know, hip, like groovy, far out.
Melinda:  Oh, I get it, it’s an old expression.  Old man, old lingo.  Got it.    

Clapper:  I’m not that old.
Melinda:  You actually are, compared to me, but that’s ok.  I like older guys.

Clapper:  Ya do? Wow. (starts fawning face)

A waiter shows up to take their order.

Waiter:  Drinks?
Clapper:  Appletini,, make it a double.

Waiter cringes.

Melinda:  OOO, wow.  (sighs)  So you’re buying, right?
Clapper:  Uh, well

Melinda:  Sounds like a yes to me.  (turns to waiter) I’ll have a shot of whatever your top shelf tequila is.    

Waiter:  Is he your dad?
Melinda:  No.

Waiter:  Relative? 

Melinda: Definitely not related.    
Waiter:  Why are you with him? I’m confused.    

Clapper:  Lay off, buddy.  I’m FBI.
Waiter:  Oh, now I get it. (walks away)

Clapper:  What the hell did he mean by that?
Melinda:  Are you sure you should tell people so openly about being FBI?

Clapper:  Probably not, but once in a while I like to show off.

Hubert and Sophia walk into the bar.  Sophia spots Clapper.

Sophia:  Hey, isn’t that your uncle?

Hubert looks and shudders at the sight.

Hubert:  Yeah, how unbelievably unfortunate.    
Sophia:  Are you gonna say hi?

Hubert:  Absolutely not.  Come on, let’s go sit on the far end of the bar so we don’t get spotted.
Sophia;  Real loving family.

Hubert and Sophia take a couple spots at the bar.  The bartender approaches.

Sophia:  How many violence-backed federal reserve notes is a shot of top shelf tequila?

Bartender (confused):  Um, what? Top shelf shot is 15 bucks.
Sophia:  Got it.  15 violence-backed federal reserve notes.  Do you take Steem or ZCash instead? 

Bartender:  Look, lady, we take dollars, ok?

Sophia:  Whatever, I tried.  2 shots, please.
Hubert (eyeing Clapper and Melinda):  Why the hell is she with him?

Sophia:  Who?
Hubert:  That girl that’s with Clapper, I mean, Uncle Clapper.  She’s my co-worker.

Sophia:  Bizarre.

Meanwhile, at Clapper’s table…..

Melinda (takes deep breath):  Ok, so anyway, I’m really anxious to get to know you, Clapper.
Clapper:  You are?

Melinda:  Yep. 

Clapper:  Well, what do ya wanna know?
Melinda:  When were you born?

Clapper:  April first.
Melinda:  How fitting.  And how old are you?

Clapper:  Fifty-nine.  And you?
Melinda:  A lot younger.  I’m really curious about your mother’s maiden name.

Clapper:  Clapper.
Melinda:  But, isn’t that your father’s name? That’s why you go by Clapper?

Clapper:  Well, both my parents had the last name Clapper.  Real tight knit family.
Melinda (shocked):  TMI.  Ok, moving on.    

Waiter drops off drinks.  Melinda slams her shot.    

Melinda (to waiter):  Keep ‘em comin’!  (to Clapper) Ok, so where were we? Where were you born?
Clapper:  A little town in South Florida called Homestead.

Melinda:  What’s the name of the street you grew up on?   
Clapper:  Clapper Drive.

Melinda:  Come on, no way.
Clapper:  Yep, small town.  We got to name the street.

Melinda:  Do you have a lucky number?
Clapper:  9,350.

Melinda (narrows eyes):  Wow, quite the number.  Hey, I just realized, I don’t have your email.  

Clapper:  RichardClapper69 at hotmail dot com.

Melinda (shouting):  Waiter! Where’s that damn shot?!
Melinda:  With all that big money you make by invading people's privacy, I bet you need more than one bank account.

Clapper:  Nah, just the one down at Bank of America.    

Waiter brings another shot.  Melinda slams it.

Melinda:  Well, Clapper, thanks for the drinks! I gotta run. 

Waiter chuckles.

Clapper:  Already? Can I give ya a lift?
Melinda:  No, thanks.  I’ll find any other way to get home.

Melinda leaves.  Shortly after, Clapper leaves as well.  Billy follows him to his house.    

Billy (talking to himself while noting the house number):  Man, what a dump.  He sold his soul and this is all he gets? Sick world we live in.    

Scene 4

The next day at Nerd Squad headquarters in Fried Electronics store, Billy and Melinda are hacking away on two laptops getting into Clapper’s data.

Berry (yelling from his private office):  Hey, what are you hacking now?!
Melinda (gives disdainful look):  I don’t know what you’re talking about!

Hubert walks in.

Hubert:  Hey guys.    

Billy:  Welcome to work.

Hubert:  So, Melinda, would you mind telling me what the hell you were doing at The Trendy Bar last night with Clapper?

Melinda:  Don’t know what you’re talking about.    
Hubert:  I saw you, and so did Sophia.    

Melinda:  You must’ve been hallucinating.
Hubert (smug, arms crossed):  So I guess if I talk to Clapper about it, then he’ll deny it, too?

Melinda:  Oh, fine.  Don’t tell Clapper, ok?
Berry (yelling):  You’ve got leverage, Hubert! Use it!

Hubert takes a look at the laptop screen that Melinda is working on.

Hubert:  What the? Are you hacking Clapper? Is that his bank account?
Billy:  If you want to be technical, we’re auditioning for a job with the FBI.

Hubert:  What?
Billy:  Clapper made a recruiting call here yesterday.  He’s giving us a tryout.

Hubert:  Clapper put you up to this? He assigned you to hack him? 

Melinda:  Well, not exactly.  But the way we see it, even if he doesn’t hire us, this is way too much fun messing with a scumbag like that.    

Berry (shouting):  Hey, you guys hacked Clapper’s bank account?!

A casually browsing customer hears this and gets an offended look on face, then runs away.

Melinda (angry):  Berry! What did we say about shouting stuff like that!
Berry:  I was just gonna say you should buy us all lunch! Or, he should, rather!

Hubert:  You aren’t going to actually take money, are you?
Melinda:  No, we just wanna see what he has, and that’s it.

Billy starts cackling.

Hubert:  What? What’s so funny?

Billy:  Ok, maybe that’s not entirely it.  I was thinking about what else we did.
Hubert:  Like what?

Billy:  Subscribed him to some highly specialized adult sites.    
Hubert:  Ok, I know too much.  I’m walking away now.

Later that day, Clapper is talking with Billy.

Clapper:  Ok, Billy, lay it on me.  What did ya get on Melinda?
Billy:  Nada.

Clapper:  I don’t get it.    
Billy:  It means nothing, in Spanish.

Clapper:  Oh.

Billy:  I’m sure you’ll be impressed with what I did get.  You, Richard Clapper, have enough money in your Bank of America account to buy a modest used car.  You were born in Homestead, Florida.  You are subscribed to some highly questionable websites.    

Clapper interrupts.

Clapper:  Hey, hold on.  You spied on me?

Billy:  We.  Meaning Melinda and I.
Clapper (flabbergasted):  Well, I dunno what to say!

Billy gives bemused, smug look, and folds arms. 

Clapper:  I’m gonna have to hire both of you!
Billy (flabbergasted):  Really?

Clapper:  You, my friend, have what it takes.  FBI material if I’ve ever seen it!
Billy:  By stabbing you in the back, basically?

Clapper:  Welcome to my world, kid.    

Scene 5

Clapper is having a meeting at the office of his boss, Mr. Prick.

Mr. Prick (slams fist on desk):  Damnit, Clapper! They got into your bank account!?
Clapper:  Yes, sir.  They’re quite deceptive and clever.

Mr. Prick: Well, it doesn’t take much to outwit you, Clapper, but it’s impressive nonetheless!
Clapper:  Thank you, sir.    

Mr. Prick:  That settles it then! I want both of them to help Hubert spy on that peace-loving anarchist, Sophia!
Clapper:  Yes, sir.  Damn those peace-lovers!

Mr. Prick (slams fist on desk):  Damnit, Clapper, that’s right! If the world has too many people like that, then we’ll be out of a job and a pension!

Clapper:  How terrifying to imagine!
Mr. Prick:  Damn right it is, Clapper!   

Stay tuned for episode 11!

Thanks for your time and attention!

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