JAMES BONG: Agent Of Anarchy - Episode 4 - Part 2 (SATIRE)

Will James be able to help save the Cannabis Dispensary? The Bong saga continues.....

Scene 1
The night before the raid.

Symphy: Bong, how may I assist you?
Bong (perplexed):  K, did your voice change? Have you regressed to before puberty?

Symphy:  This is Symphy.  Would you like to speak to K?
Bong:  Immediately.

K:  Hey Bong! What a pleasant surprise!
Bong (gruff):  So now it’s your secretary.  How quaint.

K:  You’re just jealous.  Tomorrow’s the big day.  Whatsup?
Bong:  I need one of those clear skin trackers.    

K:  So print one.
Bong:  Do you think I’d be calling you if I could print one?   

K:  Just use the 3D printer.  Are you that helpless?
Bong:  There’s no schematic for it, you arrogant little twerp.

K (flustered):  Oh, right.  Sorry about that.  I’ll wire it to the printer now.  What’s it for?
Bong:  You’ll find out soon enough. (taps smartwatch to end call)

Scene 2
Bong is having one final meeting with the staff of Kushy Budz Dispensary before the expected raid by the DEA.

Bong:  Ok, one more time over the checklist before I head out.  Gasmasks.
Pigeon:  Check.

Bong:  Enough aerosolized THC to knock out a fleet of stallions.
Bush:  Double check.

Bong:  Rope and tape?
Pigeon:  Check and check. What about guns? 

Bong:  Well, I’ve got one.  It’s your property.  I’d hope you’d have guns to protect it.
Bush (uncertain):  Um, well, I think Pigeon has a pistol.

Pigeon:  Yeah, I’ve got a pistol.    
Bong (amazed):  You’ve got to be kidding! You expect to hold off a DEA raid with one pistol!

Bush:  Hey, you’re the one who dreamed up our whole defense.  After all, if the plan works, we shouldn’t need the guns, right?

Bong (grimacing):  Let’s hope the plan works.  Ok, I’m going to keep watch from my car.  Remember, I’ll call you when they’re approaching.  You won’t have much time, so be ready.

Bong walks out and goes across the street to his 3D printed black car modeled after the 1977 Trans Am.  After waiting for 30 minutes, Bong sees a train of black SUV’s and Chargers cruising towards him at a feverish pace.  Bong dials Bush’s number.

Bong (beeping sound from smartwatch):  Come on, come on, pick up.   

Bush is smoking a bongload, watching a holographic Dtube video of epic fails, and laughing his chubby ass off.
20 seconds go by…..no answer

Bong (in anguish):  That cheeky little (incoherent growling)
Bong runs into the dispensary just as the black motorcade pulls up outside.

Bong:  They’re here! They’re here! Masks on!

All the workers throw their masks on and hide behind various pieces of furniture.  Bong heads upstairs and squats down behind a statue of a stoned frog, where he has a sniper’s view of the bottom floor.

The doors burst open and 13 black clad thugs in DEA uniforms in heavy gear come in with firearms pointing all around.

Ty Prince: This is a raid! Everyone hands up now!

Bush hits the red button on a computer joystick, which releases highly concentrated, aerosolized THC into the air.  The gas knocks out all the would-be raiders.

Bong runs down and takes a look outside to make sure there aren’t any stragglers.    

Bong (muffled from the gas mask):  Great job, everyone! Ok, time for the tape and rope.

Pigeon (muffled):  What? You’re muffled because of the mask.

Bong:  What?
Pigeon:  What? 

Bong (grabs tape and rope off glass display case, then yells):  Rope and tape!

In a few minutes, all of the would-be raiders are bound up, the air clears, and everyone takes their masks off.  Bong takes the opportunity to slap the clear skin tracker on the back of Prince’s neck.

Pigeon:  So what now?
Bong:  When they wake up, we’ll make them an offer.  They can leave on their own volition after promising to never violate private property again.  If they refuse, we knock them out again and leave them somewhere.

30 minutes later

Prince (weary eyed):  What the?
Bong:  Attention everyone! We’ve got a talker!

Prince:  Bong? I thought you were dead.
Bong:  Now why would you think a silly thing like that?

Prince:  Because (hesitates) Well, I have my sources.
Bong (laughing);  A source of BS.  So here’s the deal.  You and your thugs here can leave, peacefully, on your own accord, after you promise no more private property violations.    

Prince (cocky):  Dream on, Bong.
Bong:  Or we can just knock you out again and leave you stranded somewhere.  I hear Death Valley is wonderful this time of year.    

The rest of the DEA cowards begin to come to.

Thug 1:  What happened, boss?
Prince:  An old friend has made his presence known.

Bong:  So what’s it gonna be, Prince?
Pigeon (standing over Prince with his little pistol, trying to act tough):  Yeah, what’s it gonna be, Prince.  (pauses) Hey, wait a minute.  How do you know this guy’s name?

Bong:  Long story.
Prince:  Ok, Bong.  We’ll go.  But now you’re on my radar.

Bong (sarcastically):  Looks like I’m already six feet under, then.  Say hi to your “sources” for me.
Bong turns to Bush

Bong:  We can start untying them.  Be ready to hit the button in case they try anything funny.  (turns to Prince) You’ll be allowed to leave, one by one. 

Scene 3

2 days later, Bong is sitting at a poker table in Las Vegas.

K:  Bong!
Bong:  K, as usual, your timing is abysmal.  I’m on an extremely hot streak right now.   

K:  Just wanted to let you know that the Kushy Budz video has gone viral on Dtube.  We’re looking at a fat payday! Don’t blow it at the casino.

Bong (smiling):  And don’t blow yours on anymore frankenstein robots.    
K:  So what’s next?

Bong:  Now we wait for Prince to pop up somewhere that can be used to our advantage.  This is going to be epic.    

End Episode 4

Thanks for your time and attention!

Top image is from pixabay