This week we have a special treat, as North Korea's benevolent dictator sheds light on his murky past.

Image courtesy of Flickr (labeled for reuse on Google Images)

 Reporter:  Welcome, welcome, ladies and gents, to what might be the most heated and controversial “Interview With A Psychopath” to date.  It’s an honor and a privilege to speak with one of the hottest young dictators of our time, Kim Jung Un of North Korea.  Kim, welcome to the show.
 

Kim Jung Un:  Call me Supreme Leader, punk.  The only reason I’m doing this interview is because Dennis Rodman thought it might help my image.

Reporter:  You’re taking image advice from Dennis Rodman? That’s unspeakably horrific and laughable.

Kim Jung Un (turns towards bodyguards across the room):  Hey, fuck this reporter, shoot him!   
(one of Kim’s advisors runs to his side and whispers in his ear)

Advisor:  We can’t shoot him, this is live TV inside the United States.
(advisor runs away)

Kim Jung Un (making pouty baby face and staring at reporter):  I’ll have you killed when we go off the air.

Reporter:  If I had a nickel for every time a dictator told me that, I’d own North Korea!  Wow, you’re a funny guy! Kim, I’d like to begin by asking you about the recent allegations that you were somehow behind one of the biggest bank heists in history, swiping 81 million dollars from the Central Bank Of Bangladesh.  Would you like to comment on that, and/or brag about being such a white collar gangster?

Kim Jung Un:  I can neither confirm nor deny that.  What I can say is, I learned from the best when I went to school in Switzerland.

(advisor quickly runs to Kim and whispers in ear again)

Kim Jung Un (yelling at advisor):  Then what the fuck can I say? (turns to guards) Guards, take this advisor out back and shoot him!   
(Guards whisk away advisor)

Kim Jung Un (turns back to reporter):  Sorry about that.

Reporter:  No need to apologize.  I too, on occasion, feel it necessary to waste human life.  Anyway, getting back to your time in Switzerland.  You were saying?

Kim Jung Un:  Well, ya know, I went to school in Switzerland, and while I was there, I won’t name names, but some big time bankers taught me all sorts of scams and dirty tricks.

Reporter:  Ooooo, insider banking tips from Switzerland, how intriguing! Are you sure you can’t just give us a hint as to who your mentor was?

Kim Jung Un (blushing):  Well, I guess one little clue wouldn’t hurt.  Ok, ok, it rhymes with “Mothschild”. 

 Reporter:  You are king of clandestine! (rolls eyes) No one will ever guess that clue! (pauses) So let’s dig a little deeper into your past then, way back when you began your education in Switzerland.  Was it hard to be away from your family at first, your father in particular?
 

Kim Jung Un:  Are you kidding? Why the hell would I have missed that maniac? Not to mention, do you think I really missed North Korea? Have you been there? It’s sucked for decades! I go to Switzerland as often as I can.  People have no idea how hard it is being a tin pot dictator!

Reporter:  While you studied in Europe, you went by various aliases such as “Un-Pak” and “Pak-un”.  Were there any nicknames you had, and which was your particular favorite?

Kim Jung Un:  Supreme Leader is my favorite name, but my best alias was “Pak-un”.  It was a play on words, like “Packin”, ya know?

Reporter (confused look, squirms in chair):  You mean, like packin shit?

Kim Jung Un (red faced and arms flailing):  No, not packin shit! Packin heat, like a glock!   

Reporter:  If you would please, I’m sure the millions of people watching right now would love to know what a typical “day in the life” of Kim Jung Un is really like.  Would you be so kind?

Kim Jung Un (holds hand out and displays giant gold ring with diamond):  Kiss the ring.
(reporter bends over and kisses the ring)

Kim Jung Un (smug look):  Very well (pause) I typically wake up between 8-11am.  The first thing I do is check the state-run news to make sure they are showing me hard at work on TV, or at the very least bench pressing some midgets for exercise.  The last thing I need is some slaves seeing the truth that I sleep as late as I want.

Reporter:  That would be inconceivably horrific.

Kim Jung Un:  So after that, I have my food taster check my food to make sure there isn’t a poisoning attempt on my life.

Reporter:  Like what happened to your brother?

Kim Jung Un:  Exactly.  If my food taster croaks, I skip breakfast.  Then I go to the harem for an hour or two so I can relax a bit, blow off some steam.

Reporter:  Interesting choice of words.    

Kim Jung Un:  After that, I take one of my sports cars out for a spin and do donuts in an empty parking lot.

Reporter:  No shortage of those in North Korea!

Kim Jung Un:  By that time I’m famished, so I usually have lobster and cake for lunch.

Reporter:  Together? 

 Kim Jung Un:  Sometimes.  Then I go to one of the main squares in Pyongyang and have a worship-fest.  My soldiers round up at least 100 groveling peasants and have them worship me on camera for at least 30 minutes, while I do my best to stand there and look benevolent.  Sometimes it’s hard, though, when you have to piss and all you can do is hold it until they finish worshiping.

Reporter:  The pains of being worshiped, I know.

Kim Jung Un (disgusted look on face):  Nobody worships you, ya media goon.  Anyway, after the worship fest, I usually go shoot some heavy arms, like machine guns and grenade launchers.  Then I go home, eat an entire roasted turkey and more cake.  Then it’s back to the harem for a couple hours.  That’s about it.

Reporter:  There are some days, however, where you have to actually work, right?

Kim Jung Un:  Well, I have to occasionally do purges and participate in firing squads, but that’s usually only once a week.  Then there’s the occasional rocket or missile test.

Reporter:  Yes, I was just about to bring that up.  You’ve had mostly dismal failures on that front, mixed with the occasional unimpressive success.  What is it you like most about missiles?

Kim Jung Un:  You mean besides the potential for mass bloodshed?

Reporter:  Of course, that goes without saying.

Kim Jung Un (ponderous look on face):  Hmmmm, I’d have to say the shape.  I’m a big fan of anything shaped like a dick.

Reporter:  Is that right?

Kim Jung Un:  Yeah, actually, I was thinking about painting some of my missiles to actually look like dicks.  Wouldn’t that be hilarious? Especially one that’s heading straight for the USSA.  Can you imagine a giant dick falling on Los Angeles? It’s what dreams are made of.

Reporter:  Your dreams, not mine, or anyone even halfway sane.

Kim Jung Un:  I might not be sane, but at least I have a harem to go home to.  Hmmm, that sounds like a good idea.  Fuck the rest of this interview! (stands up and faces guards) Guards! Let’s go!

Reporter:  I want to go to the harem!   

Kim Jung Un (walking away):  If Dennis says it’s ok, I might think about it.

Reporter (gets out smart phone):  I’m calling Dennis Rodman right now!

Kim Jung Un:  Bullshit! He’d never give his number to a loser like you!

Reporter (sobbing):  I’m a terrible bluffer.

Kim Jung Un:  On second thought, wanna play poker? 

Read about this scumbag (or at least the propaganda put out about him) @

 http://nypost.com/2017/03/22/kim-jong-un-may-be-behind-biggest-bank-heist-in-history/
 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kim_Jong-un 

Special thanks to @papa-pepper for the flashy steeming anarchy logo.