Interview With A Psychopath: CIA Agent Felix Rodriguez (satire)
This week an old CIA dog will shed some light on his dark and dirty tricks from his paramilitary past.
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Reporter: It’s an honor and privilege to bring this exclusive tell-all from the deep state actor, Felix Rodriguez, aka Maximo Gomez. Which name do you prefer? (looks at Felix)
Felix Rodriguez: (shrugs): My friends call me Felix, so you should call me Mr. Gomez.
Reporter: Is Felix your real name?
Felix Rodriguez: You’ll never really know, will you?
Reporter (grins and narrows eyes in adoring fashion): How crafty of you. Mr. Gomez, can you tell us what it was like for you and your family under the Batista presidency, before Fidel Castro came to power?
Felix Rodriguez: My dad worked for the government as a minister of public works, so we had a pretty good life.
Reporter: What type of public works exactly?
Felix Rodriguez: Making sure that Batista’s palaces, ranches, and harem’s had plenty of water and electricity. Not only that, but also that the Italian mob’s casinos always had the basic necessities to function.
Reporter: How glamorous! Everyone knows that mob owned casinos are the foundation of any free and prosperous society.
Felix Rodriguez: Absolutely, which is why it was a great blow to freedom and democracy when Fidel Castro and his merry band of socialists ruined everything.
Reporter: Yes, I can’t imagine how much that must have changed your life.
Felix Rodriguez: True, it was the biggest turning point. My family was forced to flee. Many didn’t make it out alive. It was a dark time for many Batista-supporting government parasites.
Reporter: And the new head parasite, Fidel Castro, wanted nothing to do with the old guard, so to speak.
Felix Rodriguez: Yeah, but, ya know, looking back on my life, I like to take the positives that came out of that dark time.
Reporter: Such as?
Felix Rodriguez: I never would have worked for the CIA if it hadn’t been for Fidel Castro, so in a sick and twisted sort of way, I suppose I owe him a debt of gratitude. Out of his brutality, my own well-paid murderous exploits were born.
Reporter: Satanism works in mysterious ways.
Felix Rodriguez (blushing): Indeed it does.
Reporter: Speaking of Satanism and the CIA, our audience is just chomping at the bit to hear about your brave and blood soaked days working for the Company. Where would you like to begin, Felix? Perhaps the Bay of Pigs invasion?
Felix Rodriguez: Call me Mr. Gomez. Remember, you’re not my friend. Anyway, the Bay of Pigs is a really sore spot for me. We would have been successful if it weren’t for that shaky-knee ninny in the white house.
Reporter: You’re referring to JFK. Do you always show such lack of respect for the deceased?
Felix Rodriguez: Absolutely! I wouldn’t be where I am today if I weren’t afraid to spit on some graves. That’s why weaklings like you take desk jobs, and soldiers of fortune like me live the life.
Reporter: Forgive me, oh Dark One. You truly are greater than me.
Felix Rodriguez (pointing finger): That’s more like it. Anyway, I’d like to talk about my successful exploits.
Reporter: Like your time in Vietnam?
Felix Rodriguez (sinister grin of pleasure): Yes, that wonderful blood bath.
Reporter: You were an integral player in Operation Phoenix, were you not?
Felix Rodriguez: No, I was.
Reporter (confused): Yeah, that’s what I meant.
Felix Rodriguez: No, you brown-nosing little dirtbag, you didn’t. Stop trying to confuse me.
Reporter: I would never attempt to deceive a God of the Underworld like you, sir. I was merely (Felix cuts him off gruffly)
Felix Rodriguez: Just shut the fuck up and let me continue my arrogant recollections of past glory. So the Phoenix Program was used to neutralize communist sympathizers in Vietnam.
Reporter: When you say “neutralize”, you actually mean murder, right?
Felix Rodriguez: Yeah, it’s murder, but as long as my bosses feel it’s justified, then I think it’s honorable and patriotic. So what we did was interrogate, torture, and murder anyone we suspected of being a commie.
Reporter: What would you say is your favorite torture technique?
Felix Rodriguez: I won’t go into detail, but let’s just say it involves rough twigs, hot sauce, cactus needles, small farm animals, and an intricate knowledge of human anatomy.
Reporter: Just enough to tease the imagination. How invigorating! Actually, if we could, let’s take a step a little further back in time. There was an event which you are probably best known for, and that was the hunting down and killing of Che Guevara. What an exciting adventure that must have been!
Felix Rodriguez: Yes, that was a high point in my career. It’s just too bad that I couldn’t murder his whole family. But at least I got his Rolex! It serves as a reminder as to just how profitable bounty hunting can be.
Reporter: Let’s move on now to the care free 80s, when you had the privilege of working with that fun loving cocaine fueled mercenary army known as the Contras.
Felix Rodriguez: Yeah, those were really fun times. Nobody parties like the CIA, especially in Central America. Then that disloyal fuck, Eugene Hasenfus, screwed it up royally for everyone. Luckily, I had enough money socked away in the Cayman Islands by the time the shit hit the fan, so I came out smelling like a rose.
Reporter: Eugene Hasenfus was the pilot who was shot down and survived in Nicaragua, is that right?
Felix Rodriguez: Yeah, then he snitched on the whole operation, and before you know it, there were congressional hearings and the dumb fuck public was hearing about our dirty tricks. It’s a damn shame when black ops are exposed to Joe Sixpack, that’s for sure.
Reporter: That’s true, but does Joe Sixpack actually do anything with that information?
Felix Rodriguez: No, I guess not, that’s true. That’s why they’re Joe and Jane Sixpack, cuz all they do is keep watching the idiot box and slurping down booze to sedate themselves from reality. They don’t do anything to stop us.
Reporter: And never will.
Felix Rodriguez (angry): Don’t be so cocky. You’re almost as pathetic as them.
Reporter (sobbing): True. So Max, now that you’re old and surely not too far from the grave, what do you do to keep busy?
Felix Rodriguez: I do a little money laundering on the side, but my real passion these days is writing children’s books.
Reporter: A man of many talents.
Felix Rodriguez: Definitely more talent than you. I must be going now, I’ve got a golf game with the Bush brothers and then we’re heading over to the Rothschild’s castle for a child sacrifice.
Reporter: You do keep busy! May the dark lord bless you!
Learn about the real Felix Rodriguez @
Hi @steeminganarchy, I just stopped back to let you know your post was one of my favourite reads today and I included it in my Steemit Ramble. You can read what I wrote about your post here.
Hey, thanks so much for mentioning my work in your post. I try to do one "Interview With A Psychopath" every week. I'll check out your stuff for sure. Steem on!
@votu podcast brought me here.