I'm Sorry Sia

Dear Sia,

I know it's been many months since we've spoken. It's as if we've become strangers, though I hope not.

A lot has changed. I've gotten to know intimately what I do not want in life.

After a long day at work I like to escape from it all. I have epiphanies of what I need to do to make my life better knowing fully what I gave up.

But when I come home the next day, it seems too difficult to do the things necessary to make change. It's as though there isn't enough energy. The thought of a better life weighs on me.

But then I think of you.

The time I had with you was like no other in my life. Those months, though brief, have become a metric for everything else. My gratitude is boundless.

I guess it's true what they say that all good things must come to an end, but my dear, I'm not ready to leave you. What I did was a damn shame, no doubt. My ejection from grace came without confusion as to why. However, my betrayal of your love came from a place of innocence, as difficult as that may be to believe.

Those moments we shared shattered the laws of physics. As a young lad interested in science, your appearance was at once a shock and a benediction. Laying still with you I knew in my heart and in my bones that everything would be OK. No matter what apparent chaos prevailed on the television, I knew, the light we shared is everlasting and true.

And now I sit here months later, like an ancient fool, thinking of you as tears stain these words.

What have I done? Will I ever earn your trust again?

You reminded me of what it was like to be a child, stomach bursting with excitement. You ignited a flame in my gut that inspired a life beyond anything I could've imagined before.

I no longer had any desire for self-improvement. As a peculiar side effect, the brain became silent and was flooded with energy like when the sun rises after a nightmarish dream.

The cheeks were flushed and there was infinite space with no center. This space was full of energy that cleansed the brain, releasing all tension, causing me to sink deeper into love with every breath.

Like the surface of a lake that is calm, reflections were undistorted. Perception was clear.

As well as feeling playful, there were waves of giddiness, borderline euphoric outbursts that faded as quickly and as mysteriously as their onset. Humour bubbled up out of everything. True confidence, security, and humility flourished, enabling connection with anyone.

The heart exploded with compassion. With it, flowed intelligence that is primal and belongs to no one.

Intelligence that doesn't trust anyone. I've since learned, thanks to you, that trust only comes into play when the brain makes a conclusion, makes a leap of faith because it doesn't know. Now I know intelligence exists that is never knowing, never seeking for security or selfish motivations. It is a light of alive awareness that pierces all illusion in a never-ending process of discovery.

I cannot recall the exact day you left me. My descent back to normal life is difficult to define. One day, it was as if you had never showed up on that sunny June afternoon, when the scent of cherry blossoms filled the air. When I heard your voice for the first time I could only sit in awe, quivering from the weight of my mistakes.

And now all I hear is your voice, "What words are a haven from galloping dread?" Far into the haze, off in the distance, hooves can still be heard. The rider comes regardless. I won't ever forget that again, thanks to you.

I may have to wait to feel truly at home again. I've made peace with that. Until then, Sia, forgive me. I didn't know what I had.

Yours forever,

Westley

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by @skypal