Conan Calls
The whirring and buzzing filled every hallway in the building, prompting dozens of uniformed men and women to start searching for the source of the sound. After a few minutes the lieutenant responsible for the cacophany was found and brought to the commander's office.
"I don't see what I did wrong!" he protested to no one in particular. A moment later the door opened and his guards snapped to attention. The commander entered the room.
"This is a serious breach of protocol," the commander started in on the lieutenant before he was all the way through the door frame. "I can't believe one of my best and brightest would do this."
"Sir, I thought-"
"I don't care what you thought, using the emergency broadcast system for anything outside of an emergency is absolutely prohibited!"
"I understand sir," the lieutenant stammered. "I-I just wanted-"
"And what the hell was that anyway? Gibberish static and whining motors?"
"No sir, I had-"
"It was bullshit and you know it! I want to get to the bottom of all this ASAP!"
"Yes sir." The lieutenant paused, ready to be cut off again. After a moment of expectant silence, he continued. "I just thought morale was a bit low around here so I rigged something up. Perhaps I can show you?"
Eyes met eyes met eyes as the room waited for the commander's reply. After a long glower, the commander assented.
The lieutenant took the group - commander, guards, and busybodies - through hallways, doorways, and down a few staircases. Finally coming upon a closed metal door he stopped and turned to face them all.
"Uh, don't be too alarmed, please," he rrequested, opening the door. The group gasped upon seeing what the room held.
"What the fuck is this lieutenant? Body parts? Machines? Plastic? Have you gone crazy?"
"No sir - you gave me permission a while back to begin a psyops campaign. I, well- Have you ever watched Conan the Barbarian?"
"I have."
"Well, given the low moral, I thought I'd try something different."
"Get to the point lieutenant."
"I, uh, got body parts of our enemies - specifically the women." The lieutenant paused to see how the group was taking this all in.
"And?"
"Well, I was hoping our guys would take heart if they heard what I was doing to the enemy here. Heard what was best in life."
"Which is?"
"To hear the lamination of their women."
Picture unrelated. It's included because I know no one clicks on / upvotes plain text posts nowadays.
Apologies for typos - my little bluetooth keyboard introduces errors. Inspired by a typo I had in a conversation about Conan the Barbarian. Hope you like it!