Trapped In My body: A butterfly waiting to be free

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Did you see Miss piggy today?"

"Her mother should have swallowed her!"

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My heart sagged as i listened from one of the stalls, my knees drawn up to my chest and my tears wetting my hair.

I listened to them cackle, listened to them make witty remarks and compare me with hideous cartoon icons. I shuddered, as more tears ebbed from my heart like a fountain, flooding me, drowning me, feeling myself sink into despair, accepting what they said i was. Waste of space. A caricature of Ugliness itself.

I remembered telling my mum what they said and her usual response that was supposed to give me some sort of comfort.

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"Nonsense, baby! You still have your baby fat, you will grow into your feminine form soon!"

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That was years ago, I turned sixteen and was still a blob of matter that everyone made fun of

My doctors said i had a disorder and my excessive eating gave me comfort. They had said i would shed the weight and ditch the habit as soon as i reached puberty...But i didn't.

I had no friends. My shadow was my own company and "Miss piggy" had become my second name. I tried to do sports, to shed the weight but every time i would start jogging on the tracts, the taunts from mockers in the stands would assail, breaking my resolve, forcing me to accept how hopeless my condition was and how undesired i would always be...

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I remember standing in front of the mirror, staring at mass, staring at the countless folds and sagging tissue, complemented with my stunt height. I did not have the womanly curves that made male mouths drool or heads swoon. I made lips curl in disgust or mockery and instantly soured the mood whenever i stepped into a room.
My mother's words will echo in my head...

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Darling what matters is how beautiful you are on the inside!

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I kept telling myself that to keep my faith...but that was till ended up dateless to the prom.

I remember hiding away from the other kids. I spent days locked away in my closet. There was something about the darkness that was comforting. Something about not being seen, being enveloped in the pitch blackness where i could honestly feel safe...

Some days i wished i could run away to the coast and jump off a cliff into the waves below and let my flaw, my weight sink me to the bottom, taking me to the peaceful abyss where no one taunted me. I would be safe, away from sight. Away from all of them.

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I became resigned to my flaws. Accepting that I would never be desirable to any one, that i would always be alone...

Until i met mark, my husband

I had first met him at a shelter where i volunteered. He had been watching me care for people all day before I finally met him on a train. The warm smile he flashed me and the small conversation he started. I had been too self conscious, too aware of my Ugliness to pay him attention, ducking from his sight and trying to put as much space between him and me, scared he was only using me for practice.

But Mark was persistent and patient. When his gaze held mine, he looking at the me on the inside. The lonely girl trapped and resigned to the pain. He talked to me for me and not for my looks. He held my hands genuinely. He spoke softly. He reached into that abyss and pulled me out.

"Why do you bother with me? Aren't you bothered with how i look? You can stop playing games with me!" I screamed at some point during our courtship.
.
His response was...

"I am drawn by the beauty in your heart and how it reflects in yours eyes and warms everything around you."

I fell in love with him.

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Mark led me out of that dark tunnel and into the light. He helped me lose weight, spotted me in the gym and took me on hikes. We went on adventures together. He helped become the butterfly i had always wanted to be and in the course of a year we were married

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Author's Note:

Sometimes we are stuck in a phase of life and cannot do anything about it because we don't have the right push or the right person to push us into doing anything about it.

Don't be overwhelmed by the negativity around you. It is only you that can do anything about your situation. You can either accept and love the way you are...Inner beauty matters most!

or you can do something about it despite the negativity.