original content SF Story: The Long Nose of the Law

 497 words.

Rowf! WOOwooooo.   

“OK, nobody move. Fart Police.”   

“So, that’s not a seeing-eye dog?”   

“She is, just cross-trained. Narcotics, explosives, intestinals. Top of her class.”   

“I’ve never heard of the Fart Police.”   

“Part of the Council’s new outsourcing initiative, ma’am. Parking, noise, and nuisance ordinance enforcement. My partner and I are freelance deputies, certified for both noise and flatulence. Which one is it, girl? … I’m gonna have to ask you to turn around and place your hands against the wall of the elevator. Frisk him, girl.”   

“Hey!”  

“Just hold still, sir.”   

Snifff! Sniff-sniff-sniff-sniff-sniff-sniff-snuffle-sniff!   

“This has got to be an illegal search!”  

“No, sir, the atmosphere is public space. When you opened that sphincter, you committed a crime, just like an any other polluter.”   

“It just slipped out!”   

“That’s what they all say, sir. The refinery over in Baytown used to have an ‘accidental release’ between 2 and 4am almost every day. According to the Braille readout in my leash handle here, sir, you are guilty of harboring Giardia, which is a class F misdemeanor. I’m going to have to cite you.”   

“Discrimination! Racial profiling!”   

“Sir, I’m blind.”   

“Not you, the dog!”   

Sigh. “Sir, that is low. Gigi is a highly trained professional. Still, you do have a right to a trial. Do we have any jurists here? . . .  You’ll have to speak up. I can’t see your hand raised.”   

“Oh, right – uh, I’m a jurist. Just let me activate the app. Sorry, never done this before . . .  ‘If you agree to serve, text YES to 555-1468.’  Uh, we do not have a quorum.“   

“Ladies and gentlemen, let me remind you that you are all witnesses, and that when my siren prompted them, all of your phones geolocated you authomatically.  If this proceeds to a full jury trial, you will all have to come down to the courthouse, IN PERSON, not by avatar, and testify as to what you smelled in this elevator. This may include identifying the suspect from a lineup of stool samples.”   

“Uh, we have a quorum now.”   

“All right, then, sir, for the record, please state your name and Twitter handle.”   

“What?”   

“Sir, if you allow this to go to trial, the DA does have a public shaming option. Plus you’ll be responsible for court costs.”   

“All right, all right! I’ll just pay the fine -- anonymously, please!”   

“Thank you, sir, if you’ll just tap your phone against my phone you can chip that ticket right here. Within 3-5 business minutes you’ll also find in your InBox a prescription for Lactobacillus acidophilus and coupons for higher-fiber dietary options, brought to you by our department’s sponsor. Have a nice day. Witnesses, thank you for your service. Yes, coupons for you as well. Why yes, we do accept tips. Thank you. And remember, a healthy microbiome is every citizen’s responsibility.”   

Grumble, grumble, cough. Shuffle, shuffle.   

Yaaaaaaawn.   

“What a way to make a living, huh, girl? ‘Fart Police.‘ Some people will believe anything.”  

Copyright 2016 Randall Hayes.

I previously submitted this story to Escape Pod's flash fiction contest under the name "Scene: In An Elevator."  The new title came to me just as I was posting this.  I'm happy to have any feedback on the story.