My Lights Went out and No One's Home

What has happened? Where did my life go? How long as it been gone? It seems like forever! I now know that it's been slowly evaporating . . . for the past several years! When did I first notice the intermittent misery? It must have been a slow process. May have been 'my own damn fault', as my Jimmy Buffet CD implies. I've missed the sheer joy of just being alive, the simple pleasures, the laughter, the energy . . . slowly, and in small amounts, must have all but evaporated. It wasn't like someone hit me over the head with a sledge hammer and screamed "What the hell are you doing?!!" I wish they had, although I know that I'm hard-headed.

The fog may be lifting, because it's all becoming quite clear to me. With the help of much time, tequila, misery, and some intuitive dreams, I think I now know why! I KNOW WHAT MADE MY LIGHTS GO OUT! I know why there is NO ONE HOME! I know why there is no there THERE! My reasons, my answers as to WHY? I want to get clear with myself about this now! My reasons could provide a teachable moment for me. I don't want to feel like I've wasted my life, not even a part of it.

I have for so long wondered why? I have for so long wondered what happened to me? Was it because I was 'Living without Love' or was it because 'I was Loving too Much?'

Living without Love! I've read the books! Humans crave interaction, in all forms! Communication, both verbal and physical. The importance of human connection, and the human touch is major. Nourishes life itself!. According to the research, that is why solitary confinement in our prisons is so punishing!

My mistake was allowing myself to live without love, because I loved too much. Or so I thought. The truth is 'I wasn't loving myself'. Honor thyself, right? I thought that I did. I thought that I had a healthy amount of self respect, self confidence, and self esteem. When you are spending your life with someone and they don't honor and respect you . . . well, it is an ongoing battle to stay strong for yourself.

Enter stage right . . . the handsome slick talker! The man whom I'd later chosen to share my life with was 'incapable' of loving me. In-fact, he never really did. I am fairly certain that he can"t REALLY love anyone. Not in the normal way that most humans love. Being human requires empathy and compassion. On our wedding night, so many years ago . . . no love making! Gasp! What a DECEPTION! A deception that deprived me of any and all forms of LOVE! No hugs, no spontaneous kisses on my cheek, in-fact 'NO KISSES'. No butt taps, no compliments . . . for all of those years! That makes me the crazy one, right? I AGREE!

It's a shameful fact that I put up with that and wasted all of those years! I watched as my youth slipped away! Well, the thought of that could easily make me hate myself! Sometimes, I came close. But in the end, that would be even more damaging to my psyche. Turning my anger inward is not healthy, or so I've read. But I AM MAD! I have tried to forgive. Everyone says that forgiveness is the key. That may well be true, but I'm having a hell of a time with that one. Believe me, I've tried! I am still till trying! It would be easy to hate him. Does he deserve to be punished? Maybe he does. But not by me. That is NOT ME. I will let the Almighty square things up on his end.

Could he be a mild mannered Sociopath? Could he be gay? No judgement here. The truth will do just fine! I've seriously considered many of these things. The lack of information drives me nuts, at times. That alone can be very frustrating. He could be A-Sexual, as my very intelligent family member once suggested. Throughout the years, he's always declined to open up to me. He would never talk to me about any of this. He would not give me an explanation or give me a reason. BELIEVE ME, I have tried to get answers! He would only say "I do not know why."

At the beginning, I was manipulated, lied to, and deceived! At the beginning, I'm sure he thought of me as a good catch, as some might say. I had a good job, a nice car, and a fully furnished home. JUST WHAT HE NEEDED at the time, unknown to me. I had been manipulated and lied to. "All he needs is a NEST," as my well known psychic put it, some 3 plus years after I'd married!

Why did I have to be so trusting? So genuine? So honest? I expected others to be the same way, because that was how I saw the world at the time! With that being said, I would still rather be like Me, than be like Him. I am trying really hard at not being judgmental. I hope that I can accomplish that. I don't want to be angry, or sad, or lonely. I want to be forgiving, and I am working on that. I am trying to move forward and out of the darkness. I am looking for the light switch. I am trying to find my way back home. As my former Boss would say "Be Careful Out There."