Legless space pirates? I knew a being that spent three months on their ship.

Name was Vloksnakh. We worked on an asteroid mining rig out in the Ghar system. Real backwater of a place, let me tell you. The closest planet was W'anzh'en, and only tree people live there. There was a rest-and-refuel station a ways out, called Starstop. We'd go there sometimes after work--only a five minute warp--but all it had was a dirty old motel and a bar that didn't even stock Fleurian lipspackle.

We got annual passes to leave the rock for two weeks. The company'd pay for our warp tickets and everything. Most beings would go back to their home planets and see their maternal progenitor, or else hop off to Helian and check into one of those fancy brothels. But Vloksnakh, he got a wild hair up his gas bladder to explore W'anzhe'n.

I tried to talk him out of it, but he was set on going. Said he'd always wanted to see those tree people, ever since he was a spawnling back on Tryvki. Tryvkish beings are like that. Did you know they only procreate in the fifth dimension?

Since no commercial ships flew there, he decided to hitchhike from Starstop. I went to see him off. We sat in the bar waiting for somebeing to come in who looked like they might give him a lift. Waited a long time, but no one showed up. I had to get back to the rock--I had work in the morning. So I left Vloksnakh there, thinking for sure he'd be back the next day, reserving a ticket to Tryvki.

But he didn't come back. Not even at the end of his leave.

Was I worried? Sure, but what was I supposed to do? If I left the rock long enough to find him, I'd be fired and miss that sweet end-of-year bonus. So I just wished Vloksnakh the best and tried to put the matter out of my mind.

Three months later, I swear to Flark, Vloksnakh showed back up on the rock and he only had one leg!

No lie. I took the poor being back to our barracks and he told me all that had happened to him.

He'd waited around Starstop after I left, and eventually he got bored and wandered over to the fueling station. A huge cargo ship was docked in one of the bays, being fueled by one of the robot attendants. Vloksnakh decided to go out in one of the tether-pods to talk to them.

The pilot agreed to take him to W'anzh'en, so Vloksnakh boarded the ship and waited in one of the empty passenger compartments, thinking he was about to get a ride to his dream camping vacation. He soon felt the ship take off, but no-being showed themselves. He started to get a little worried when he discovered some words scratched into the compartment walls--"Say goodbye to your legs, buddy" and "Fuck".

Those bastards left Vloksnakh in that compartment for a week, no food or water. Actually, Tryvkish don't need water, but still. One day, a hatch slid open in the wall and all of a sudden, the artificial gravity malfunctioned. Two legless Terrans floated in, tied Vloksnakh up with a tether, and floated him through the ship like a balloon.

Vloksnakh thought for sure he was gonna die. But that wasn't their plan.

The week of starvation was the first phase of initiation into their weird legless space cult. They took him into a big domed area of the ship, all decked out like a chapel with carvings on the walls, and all these legless Terrans genuflecting and prostrating themselves before this one really old Terran who sat in a giant bucket. The pirates told Vloksnakh that he was now purified, and could become one of them. Vloksnakh didn't want to become one of them, but he played along, hoping he'd find an escape.

See, the legless space pirates aren't really pirates at all. They're the descendants of a group of mutineers from Earth, back--oh, eight or nine generations ago. Vloksnakh pieced the whole story together during his time there. The ship was a freighter belonging to the Nabisco-Exxon Corporation. This was back before faster-than-light travel, remember. These Terran beings lived and died on that ship. They had weddings and funerals and babies and grandbabies aboard it, and some of them might go their whole lives without setting foot on an actual planet. They started to feel like this ship was their true home. Like they couldn't bear the thought of being on solid ground. So, they took over the ship and threw the captain out the airlock.

After the mutiny they almost starved, food was so scarce. So every man, woman, and child aboard that ship had their legs amputated. It was a twofold fix: without their legs, they wouldn't need as much nutrition. They'd be able to cut their rations without too much suffering. Plus, if they turned off the artificial gravity, they'd save on fuel. They didn't need legs to float around in zero g. After that, everybeing born aboard that ship and every visitor underwent the amputation ritual.

Vloksnakh was able to bargain with them. He told them that Tryvkish hearts are located in their left legs. If they cut off both legs, he'd die and they'd lose a convert. It wasn't true, but it worked. They made do with just one of his legs. He learned all of their songs and prayers, acted like a pious little space pirate for those whole three months, til finally they stopped for fuel again at the Starstop, and he told them he felt called to spread the good word of legless space piracy wide and far. They gave him their blessing.

A couple days later, Vloksnakh took off back to Tryvki. Haven't heard from him since.

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