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RE: A League Files from the Keeper Library: The Keeper from the Lost Colony of Roanoke
@amrauthor good work! Keep up the good work! Will send you my feedback soon! :)
@amrauthor good work! Keep up the good work! Will send you my feedback soon! :)
Looking forward to hearing what you think.
Good work again! So here is some feedback for you.
So you wrote "No one bothered me, but many of the colonists were afraid those of us who went into the woods might meet the Indians or worse the Devil." I think this is a fantastic opportunity to expand a little here about the Devil. I believe you can throw three or four lines were you can talk about a mysterious devil that everyone is afraid to talk about, even the Indians and that has killed or kidnapped many people to a parallel universe according to a legend or something.
You wrote "I smiled at my mother who had become a bit eccentric regarding bathing. " This is a fantastic opportunity to talk about bath. What I mean by that is how easy it was to take baths. You see bath is one of the reason why life exppectancy rose in Europe in the 18th century I believe. Prior to the French revolution (1789) very few people had the luxury to take regular baths (if I am not mistaken), it was just too costly to irrigate water like that. Only the king, the priests and the "noblesse" could afford this on a regular basis. So yeah here I believe you can emphasize how the character was happy to take many baths at wish compared to his homeland. You can also (and should also) verify what I am saying of course. So yeah just an idea.
You wrote "nowhere as if he had disappeared. He wasn’t at my house or his own. I called him for a while, with no response I figured that he wanted to be left alone." I believe here you can talk about how the character found on the floor some kind of Indian or forest old artifact or something, and develop further on that. This brings more interest to the reader and keep him eager to know more about the story.
You wrote "With everyone buried I was unsure of what to do, as we had plenty of food. ". May be you can add 1 or 2 lines to explain how the food was stored so that it couldn't be easily rotten and estimated amount of time of how long they could have survived with this food stock.
You also wrote: "Thomas was eying me with distrust. “What if they did all of this because of you going into the forest? What if this is all your fault?” I really like this part. To me it keeps the reader eager to learn more because it adds some kind of mystery to what is going on.
You wrote :"I felt like he was something was off about him." Did you mean "I felt like something was off about him"?
You wrote "Awhile".
Ok, yeah here are some of my suggestions, I hope they are not too silly haha :D . I think in overall the story is nice and captivating and flows well.
Let me know what you think.
Good job again :)
Thanks so much for this, it's a big help.
Sure!