The Wand collective will assimilate you, but it's not like you think. We don't force you to join us. We see your pain and offer you a way to atone for your imaginary crimes. We will take your pain, your hurt, your despair and will give you peace, joy, and contentment. You will want for nothing.
Join us and be free.
(gods, I could use one of those magic wands right now.)