Challenge #02382-F192: It's Just a HobbysteemCreated with Sketch.

in fiction •  2 months ago 

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Captain: "You have nothing to worry about. Our only human crewmember is one of the nicest, sweetest humans you will ever meet."
Human: "I found my knives! Now, WHO THE HEY HID THEM FROM ME IN THE FIRST PLACE!?!?" -- Anon Guest

Rule Eleven: Never go anywhere without a knife. -- Leeroy Jethro Gibbs, historical Terran hero.

Civilisation in general holds certain truths to be self-evident. Such as the ability to make and safely use sharp things as one of the stages inherent in civilisation. Where, exactly, that fits is up to the civilisation. Nevertheless, lots of civilisations recognise that sharp things are very dangerous and should be kept in the hands of professionals.

...and then there's Humans.

Humans developed their sharp things early and consider them intrinsic to existence. So much so that having a "utility knife" on their person is considered essential. Such knives are small and, though not ideal for combat, have been used for such in the past, and will likely be used again. The typical Human response to this information is, "See? It's just sensible to have a knife!" Humans cannot be convinced otherwise. The Alliance advises that those employing Humans encourage them to keep their sharp things collections (a) contained, and, (b) to a minimum. This is not always easy.

Considered for your further education, Ambrose Jones, otherwise known as Human Amy. In all other aspects, she is as sweet and kind as any Human could be. Her empathy scores are rather high for her species and most reviews of her job performance are glowing. There is, however, one drawback:

Human Amy has a blade collection. Every kind of blade from the dawn of toolmaking to the current -ha- cutting edge was in there. Utility blades, specific cutting edges, battle blades, the lot. Dirks, daggers, swords, and rapiers, oh my. It's more than a little disturbing to watch her move in. Especially once the historical weapons come out. One look at a Kris or a Durka is enough to terrify many species despite Human Amy's generally sunny demeanour.

The fact that most of these weapons are for display only has done nothing to assuage any fears, and most of that is because the Tsarla V incident is part of both her reputation and her permanent record. There, an invading force of space pirates attempted to conquer a scientific exploration vessel with Human Amy aboard. She was shining up one of her display weapons when the alarm went off. She charged the nearest group of invaders with the weapon she had at the time and pierced a pirate's livesuit in one blow. She also happened to pierce the pirate.

After that victory (and subsequent detainment of the pirates) she kept insisting that the blade in question wasn't that sharp, her victory was primarily because the pirates were 'really squishy' and "anyone could do that with enough force, it's just physics, you guys."

Ever since, successive contractors have attempted to at least tone down the publicly-displayed blade collection a notch. Or five. Or twenty. Or -- Powers, who needs this many blades in the first place? No! Don't answer that!

So it was that Lieutenant Grox, designated Human Companion for the Ships' Human, reported his apparent victory. "I secured twelve boxes of blades, sir. They're all safe in a secure location. Though... by all reports, you have nothing to worry about. Our only human crewmember is one of the nicest, sweetest humans you will ever meet."

At which point, Human Amy burst into the room, grinning ear to ear and bristling with historical weaponry. "I found my knives! Now, who the heck hid them in the first place? I gotta have some words."

[Image (c) Can Stock Photo / eyematrix]

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Sounds like my kinda person XD