Challenge #01901-E077: Ordering the New World
The bookkeeper of a new evil organisation to their superior:
I'm sorry but no, a "giant robot of doom with lasers that go pew pew" is not feasible. Because not only it sounds silly, but we lack the funding. And no, I won't allow any medium or high destruction plan as long as you didn't find a way to increase our income. If you want to blow things up, I'll only allow dynamite. And we can't pay more than 5 minions at a time. And I warn you, if you do any excessive spent without my approval, it's steamed potato for a month. -- Anon Guest
Migno the Malevolent pouted on his throne-like chair. "I am trying," he said, "to be the ultimate evil, here. The worst living thing on this earth. I need a volcano secret base, some kind of intimidating laser-assisted animal life, and at least one overly-complicated death trap. Because when a nicely-dressed superspy gets up in my grille, I actually have to be prepared for that."
The accountant took all this down. "And... why are you doing this?"
"To take over the world, of course. Once the global system is under a unified rule, things will be way more efficient. No more starving people in weird little countries. It'll all be one country. No borders to secure - no borders at all! Universal medicine, guaranteed food supplies, no more trade tarriffs. A sudden lack of tax shelters... the whole nine yards."
The accountant frowned. "Uh. Okay. So... Why are you aiming to be the worst? These are all... good things."
"Well, yes. But whenever I tell people in authority that those are my plans, they call me an evil bastard and try to kill me. So I figured I might as well go over the top, you know? Do the whole hog. I have a brilliant evil laugh, and it's only the cost of the evil lair that's really stopping me, isn't it?"
"Also the total lack of shell companies and whatnot to protect you from persecution."
"Yeah, I'm kind'a pants at that part."
"You know," said the accountant, "I know several ways you could dominate the world without raising a single eyebrow. And... it would be more evil than the... frippery... you have planned."
Migno the Malevolent leaned back in their throne and steepled their fingers. "I'm listening..."
"Let's use your extant holdings to your advantage. You already have an uninhabited volcanic island. You are, technically, the sole ruler of this land. Therefore, the rules you make here are yours and yours alone. Secede from the country that doesn't even know it exists, declare yourself an independent kingdom, take in a few hundred refugees so you have a population and then initiate a tax haven. Undercut the Swiss Bank, because rich people are surprisingly cheap. Funnel those funds into a coastal resort and have everything else in the bank."
"Okay. So I'm at the point where I'm running a resort and comping rich assholes. There has to be more."
"Money comes flooding in, of course, because nothing gets money like tax-free anonymous numbered bank accounts for rich people. You take that money and invest it into those digester power plants that take garbage and turn it into oil, power and water. There's no way that your tiny island can fuel those things, so you put out an offer. You want to take other nations' garbage off their hands for a very small fee. You now have green energy for your entire island, secret underground base, and whatnot. Get Elon Musk or somebody to build you a super-battery installation. The world will love it. Meanwhile, all the refugees here are getting cheap, recycled metal and all the electricity they could want from your plants. You build up a stockpile of the artificial oil."
"And then sell it?"
"At half the market price, provided that they never use it for fuel. Start investing in green tech companies. The greener, the better. Buy up the wastrel corporations with their own money and then downsize the fuck out of them. Pay up the electoral funds of the politicians who already agree with you. All over the world. Support the fuck out of wind, solar, and geothermal power. Buy up anyone who's doing the right thing and do promotions where you pick an impoverished zone and upgrade it for the residents, free of charge. Community gardens, solar and wind stations. Technology that you own, that kind of deal. Housing for the homeless, if you like."
"Poor people like me because my name is synonymous with benevolent actions. Rich people like me because I'm keeping them rich."
"And then you bait and switch. Once you have -say- a few quintillions in the bank, you hold the money hostage. Rich people have to fund green industries. Shut down the polluters. Support a hospital or they'll never see their bank balance again."
Migno grinned. "Now that's evil!"
"For every yacht they own, they have to buy a green boat-house for a refugee family. For every house they have, they have to build and maintain housing for the homeless. For every pharmaceutical they have in copyright jail, they have to fund a free clinic. They'll either have to drop their holdings like a hot rock or spend everything they have left."
Migno was starting to fall in love. "How's your evil laugh?"
"I've never had occasion to find out," said the accountant.
[Image (c) Can Stock Photo / yacobchuk]
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