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RE: The Making of a Reb, Part 3

in #fiction6 years ago

The start to this chapter feels abrupt. Would definitely work well immediately after reading the last chapter, but had to go back to how that one ended. The pains of serial reading :)

Carter blushing over being unable to sleep at age 9 feels weird, and while Eton lives in this world, "I should've been able to put it together" is a line that feels a bit problematic when we don't understand the world at all - we're supposedly in his head, but rather than encourage familiarity with him, it actually shows us how little we know.

The laughter paragraph feels rawest. It feels like it comes from you, Inna, not the characters.

Whatever happens afterwards–it can’t be worse than what they did to them.

I find this line a bit confusing, because it seems to oscillate between "family members" (but not dad, he went a different way), to the other kids, to feelings.

This chapter did end with a bit of a bang. But I feel we need to know more of their situation and backstory to actually appreciate the rest of it.
Keep them coming, Inna :3

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