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RE: From "Ragnarok Conspiracy"; Part One, Chapter 2

in #fiction7 years ago (edited)

Okay here is where I would put a few paragraph breaks to make this first paragraph easier to read.

Take that smug grin of your face and go do your chores Junior. Your dad will be home any minute now. As John Junior brought the dining utensils to the porch table, his mind drifted off again.

Maruja was two years older than John, not the sharpest tool in the shed, but she was hot. The only 16 year old in John's class and way out of his or any of John Junior’s classmates league. At least, she had been until last week. Today John was floating on clouds. John Junior! His mom called out as he was remembering him and Maruja kissing. Not a regular kiss, but a real kiss with tongues and all.

John William Bridgewater Junior! His mom shouted, and as John looked up, trying to hold on to the memory, John looked up. John noticed the blue contours of his mom's slipper hurdling towards his head just just a fraction of a second before it hit him flat in the face. Don't just stand there dreaming Junior, go make the table. Now!

The glance his mom gave him left zero doubt, John needed to tend to his chores or risk not being able to sit on a chair without feeling sore for the next couple of days. As John hurried back into the house to get the plates out of the kitchen cabinet, his mom gave him a firm slap to the back of his head. John could never figure out where his mom's hands were coming from.

When he looked over his shoulder, mom was still stirring the sugar through the milk as the was when he ran into the house. What are you looking at Junior? You want another one? Mom put down the milk, took a huge butcher's knife, looked back at John, raised the knife high above her head and without taking her piercing eyes from John for even a fraction of a second, blindly and skillful cut the stick of butter that had been resting on a wooden bread board into two perfectly equal pieces.

John quickly took the plates out of the cabinet and with neither of his hands free, holding a stack of five large plates, John used his head to close the cabinet door. Don't look at her, John thought to himself, don't even glance! Then, as John approached the door that led to the porch, a silhouette that contrasted against the setting sun. Dad?

As the silhouette blocked the setting sun, the features of the figure standing in the doorpost became visible. This wasn't dad. The person standing in the doorpost was white, a Makamba? Then john looked at his face, and while the sky behind him was too bright to make out all the features, the distinct shape of the cerebral implant stood out quite clearly. As John realized there was an Augment standing in the doorpost, he instantly regretted pledging allegiance to the New Zion movement.

As John took a step back in total fear, he let go of the stack of plates in his hands. Marie mother of Jesus, they've tracked me down! John hadn't considered this scenario. The war between New Zion and New Babylon was waging in Florida and Lousiana, far far away from the southern caribbean islands and New Babylon didn't have any presence here for John to be concerned about. As such, joining new Zion was more of a political statement, meant mostly to impress Maruja.

John had been the only Ingless boy in his class, and Maruja had been intrigued by the war raging in the north. For her, the New Zion freedom fighters from the northern caribbean going against the age old might of New Babylon was an almost mythical struggle. Most New Babylon fighters were Ingless; Caribbeans from English speaking islands in the northern Caribbean, and as such John with his Ingless roots had had that little extra that his classmates didn't have.

Not enough though for Maruja to overlook their two year age difference. But what a difference joining New Zion had made for that. After John had told Maruja about his pledge of allegiance last week, John's advances (typo) had no longer landed on deaf ears. No, today's kiss had shown that John's plan had worked out quite well as far as Maruja was concerned.

But now this? A Quant Augment? The Quants and New Zion were allies, at least in the defensive aspects of the war, and very much so in a limited way, but until now there had been no non-defensive side to the Quants involvement in the war. As far as John had understood, with the Quants fighting a two front war with the Ottomans and the GNU defence alliance, the Quants wouldn't want to risk making New Zion a new enemy. If John would have thought there was even a slightest chance of a war between New Zion and the Quants, he would never have pledged his allegiance.

Not sure if those are appropriate break points or not, but it does break up that very long first paragraph and makes it a little bit easier to read.

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