The Alienbutt Saga, Book 1. War of the Coffee Bean. Part 7.

Piestoff had sat quietly through the first couple of whiskies and then made his excuses and left. He had wandered back to his cabin and found Poodles sleeping on his bed. Gathering up a couple of bottles of whiskey he had headed off to the forward observation post. He was half way down his first bottle when he heard the door open and cursed the interruption, not really wanting company. Looking over he saw Wickede standing in the doorway with a bottle of whiskey in each hand. With a smile he walked over and took a seat next to Piestoff and handed him one of the bottles.
“One each, it’s much better than the stuff you’re drinking.”
Piestoff took the bottle and opened it, and upon taking a long drink he had to agree. The two sat in silence for a while sipping at their bottles.

Finally Piestoff spoke. “Why did you take an interest in me? Why would you care? I was just a taxi driver who had the misfortune to pick up the wrong fare.”
Wickede sat and took another drink, then smiled. “What do you know about the destruction of your home world?”
“It happened while I was in stasis aboard that ship. I read it was some sort of seismic meltdown. I never even went there and the only other Alienbutt I knew was my mum.” Piestoff shrugged and almost drained the bottle.
Wickede looked at the blank viewing screen and slowly shook his head. “That was the official story. You heard us mention our book of prophecy? Well it contains hints sent by the omniverse to help us out. The other side have their own version of the prophecy too. They acted against your home world and caused its destruction.”
Piestoff drained the last of Wickede’s bottle that he had been given and opened the second bottle that he had brought with him, a strange calm descending.
“What are you saying, my home world was destroyed because of a couple of books written by mad prophets thousands of years ago?”
“You are in the Book Alienbutt, a central figure in the coming war. If you were killed before you did your part then we would be in trouble.”
“How much trouble?” Piestoff felt the warm drunken feeling disappearing at Wickede’s words.
“We lose. No one’s ever changed the prophecy to such a massive degree, but it appears you can. You can make up the future as you go along; you write your own destiny and the prophecy alters to catch up.”
“So what happened to my people then?” Alienbutt asked the question quietly.
Wickede looked at the ceiling and then began. “The Alienbutts were crowning a new king. When that happens, all Alienbutts have to return to their home world to swear loyalty. As a gift to his new subjects, a special food was always cooked and handed out to millions of his subjects to be eaten after his first speech as king. That food was poisoned. There is only one poison that can kill an Alienbutt. To everyone else it is just an edible plant. The plant is known as Mint on its home world and was used as flavouring. To an Alienbutt it causes the anal muscles to contract, stopping any gas escaping. Within minutes of eating the royal gift the Alienbutts’ digestive gases went critical and the simultaneous explosion of millions of Alienbutts wiped out all life on the planet. At the royal feast, the explosion was so intense that it caused a hundred mile crater, over one mile deep. The force was enough to knock the planet out of its orbit. This was all done to stop you helping me.” Wickede looked over at Piestoff who sat expressionless. He waited for his response.
“And how the hell am I supposed to help you enough to make a difference to anything?” asked Piestoff, still calm, but a pressure was starting to build in his head. He had never known his own people, yet if what Wickede said was true then they had been wiped out because of him.
“Something is going to happen to me very soon. It is only you, Alienbutt, who can find me so I can lead my people in the final battles. It isn’t clear how I go missing or when even, but it is clear that the Ick leader will go missing and without you, I stay lost. When I return we meet to make some sort of last stand together. There will be ten companions reunited for that last stand. You, me and Blackarachnia are in that group. Without you, my people will be destroyed and the universe enslaved, for that is the result of the prophecy. By killing you they win before we even start.”

Nifty sat in her room, Blackarachnia’s copy of the Book of Ick before her. The book was actually made of paper. She hadn’t seen a paper book since she had left Earth for the first time when she was kidnapped. She had only ever seen e-books since, and not a big heavy thing like this. She had sat staring at it for over fifteen minutes with Wickede’s words going around in her head. How could she be in this book, written by someone who had died on a distant planet over a thousand years before she was even born? Opening the book at random, she looked at the pages before her. The writing was all hand written in a neat script and all in Ancient Ick. She cursed and turned over the page and stared in amazed wonder at a single letter S mixed in with all the Ick letters, it leapt out at her, and as she looked at the page she noticed others scattered over it.
She read them in order.

“START@FRONT.”

Turning back to the first page of the book she looked at the strange Ick script and saw the Earth letters standing out.

“LETSGO N. L O L” It read.

What the hell did “N. LOL” mean, she wondered, then it hit her; N was Nifty, while LOL was an old Earth slang from her youngest childhood, before she was abducted. Smiling at the hidden message that had sat in plain sight she set about reading a message left for her by a man dead for two thousand years.

Blackarachnia was sleeping when Nifty burst into his cabin and jumped on his bed. This was something he had dreamed of often, but then his dream and reality parted company. Blackarachnia groaned at this.
“I’ve found a hidden message in the Ick book.” She shoved the pocket vid-screen at him. Through bleary eyes he looked at a random collection of letters and numbers.
Sitting up he looked again at the screen. “What message? It’s gibberish.”
Blackarachnia passed back the vid-screen and looked at Nifty. She was still smiling while she looked again at the screen, a smug look on her face.
“It’s a text message, a form of English used for a while after mobile phones became popular. It’s like a secret writing used by teenagers from my time.”
“And this was in the Book of Ick? What’s a mobile phone?” asked Blackarachnia.
Nifty ignored the questions and just smiled at him. Blackarachnia looked at the clock; four thirty in the morning, ship time. “Let’s find Wickede and Snoodgrass and see who’s still sober Now if you will just turn your back, I need to get some clothes.”

They found Wickede in the ship’s galley with Piestoff. Empty whisky bottles were everywhere, while Piestoff was cooking. As they walked in, their eyes began to stream from the chilli sauce bubbling on the stove. Nifty who was used to being around Piestoff’s cooking but always too smart to try it felt a moment’s sympathy for Wickede but pressed ahead. She placed the vid-screen in front of the Ick leader and waited as he looked at it.
“You found the Earth message! I’m impressed; it took us centuries to work out those letters were there, but we still don’t know what they mean.”
Piestoff placed two plates down with large chunks of meat covered in his special chilli sauce.
“Hi, do either of you fancy a kebab? I’ve done plenty.”
Both Nifty and Blackarachnia quickly shook their heads and took a step backwards but watched Wickede in horrified fascination as he picked up his fork and stabbed the first piece of meat. Placing the meat in his mouth he started to chew, then his eyes bulged and sweat broke out on his forehead, all the while he was growing ever redder. Blackarachnia quickly passed him a glass of water as tears began to stream down his face. Downing the drink he then dashed for the sink and turning on the tap he drank deeply. By now Piestoff had half eaten his own kebab with no sign of discomfort.
“It takes a couple of seconds for the flavour to kick in. So what do you think of my kebabs?” he asked with an innocence that didn't reach his eyes.
Many people had tried Piestoff's kebabs but few came back for a second try. Wickede found a half drunk bottle and drained it, trying to extinguish the fire burning in his mouth.
“How can anyone eat those things?” he panted, still wiping tears from his eyes.
“No one has twice,” said Blackarachnia with a grin. “And by the way, Nifty knows what the Earth message means.”