The Alienbutt Saga, Book 1. War of the Coffee Bean. Part 5.

INTERSTELLAR NEWS CHANNEL 9 NEWS FLASH
The Federation Senate today granted new powers to the coffee producers to remove populations from planets suitable for coffee bean production. Any terraformed planet with less than one thousand years of history could now be converted as the great coffee bean drought continues to bite. Production on eight of the thirty planet production centres have dropped over the last few years, leading to universal unrest. Conspiracy theories that the Coffee Houses are stockpiling massive amounts of the bean to bring about the crisis have been rubbished.
In other news, a scientist who claimed to have isolated the protein that makes the coffee bean so addictive has been found dead after coffee addicts broke into his facility to steal his supply of test beans. The facility was burnt down during the robbery and all research lost. The Coffee Houses that sponsored his research have not yet commented on how security was breached.

Chapter 2. The Book of Ick.

ONE YEAR LATER
Three single seater run-abouts raced through the asteroid field dodging around the giant rocks that slowly spun, collided and spun back in an endless cycle of movement. Piestoff, who piloted one of the three, was much changed from the taxi driver who had left Sloppystool in such a hurry. Blackarachnia who had hired him to be the ship’s cleaner had spent much of his time teaching Piestoff to fly all manner of spaceships, everything from the little run-abouts they were flying now to the large starships used for deep space travel. The two had become firm friends. This was something that puzzled Blackarachnia as he had never before wanted or needed friendship. He realised that there was something about the strange smelly Alienbutt that was causing a change in how he viewed the universe.
Blackarachnia had a natural gift for killing that he had taken full advantage of, but in the company of Alienbutt he was different. He now felt more alive than ever before and for the first time he had started to care about things. After a visit to Earth to see Nifty, who had now joined them on Blackarachnia's flagship, the three had become totally inseparable. Blackarachnia had a whole new set of strange feelings to confuse him that centred around Nifty, and he wasn't sure what they meant.
For the first time in his life Piestoff felt happy and safe amongst friends. Always an outsider, Piestoff had grown up unsure of himself and doubting his every move. Now that he had discovered some confidence from feeling he belonged, he had grown into himself. Without even realising it, both Piestoff and Nifty were being trained by Blackarachnia to survive in a large hostile universe. They were being taught not to be victims but to survive the only way Blackarachnia knew how. Both were natural pilots, Nifty having enhanced reflexes and Piestoff’s time spent dodging the traffic as a taxi driver, giving them an aptitude for combat flying that no amount of training could achieve. In Blackarachnia’s world it was kill or be killed and he would ensure the strange fat arsed alien and the captivating Nifty would not be lacking in any skill he could teach them.

A collision of two giant rocks ahead caused one of the rocks to split and a piece larger than their ships whirled dangerously towards their three ships. Nifty, in the lead ship, banked sharply and easily avoided the danger. Blackarachnia who lagged slightly behind the other two climbed sharply over the top of the rocks but Piestoff had no room to play with. Without thinking he opened fire, sending four torpedoes into the rock and blindly flying through the explosion that cleared his way to safety. With alarms and buzzers going off as fragments of rock battered the little ship, Piestoff eased off the accelerator and pulled up to get free of the asteroids and into clear space.
“Bugger!” shouted Piestoff as he struggled to control the damaged ship as the controls failed.
“You OK Alienbutt, you look a little cooked?” Blackarachnia voice came through the com. link as he pulled his own ship clear of the asteroid field and circled back towards the now stationary Piestoff.
“Lost most of my lateral thrusters and my shields are fried but those new butt-plugs that Wickede sent are holding up a treat.” Piestoff replied in a matter of fact way that he would have found impossible just a few months before. If he was making Blackarachnia more emotional, then Blackarachnia was making him more detached, the two personalities rubbing off on each other to make them both complete.
Nifty’s ship came racing back doing a victory roll as she dodged the asteroids with ease.
“I win again boys.”
“You been tinkering with your ship again. It’s faster than ours,” responded Blackarachnia gruffly, but both Nifty and Piestoff knew his face would be split by a huge grin. Nifty’s laughter rang out as she performed the equivalent of a handbrake turn to end up nose to nose with Blackarachnia’s ship. Pausing for long enough to wave, she then reversed and spun the ship again. “I’ll go get someone to give Piestoff a tow, and good shooting Piestoff, you really nailed that rock.”
With that she spun her ship again and hit the thrusters and was gone.
“Blackarachnia, if I was you I would just admit she’s a better pilot than us and let her rub our noses in it for a bit,” Alienbutt put in as he flicked switches trying to regain the use of the ship.
Blackarachnia laughed. “True, she’s one of the best pilots I’ve ever seen.”
“Only one of the best?” asked Piestoff.
“You haven’t seen Wickede fly yet, that’s a race I wouldn’t bet on.”
Piestoff cleared his throat. “I’ve been meaning to ask about Wickede. Won't he be a little annoyed that you haven’t been searching for his stolen ship?” Piestoff was worried about Killashandra and the girls and the fact that Blackarachnia was supposed to be searching for them in order to recover it.
“Don’t worry about your friends, Piestoff. If Wickede wanted them dead he would activate the homing beacon or the self-destruct on the ship. For some reason he’s not that bothered. He probably found it funny having a group of chicks steal his ship.” Blackarachnia moved his ship alongside Piestoff’s. “Come on let’s get that pile of junk moving in the right direction, and you’re buying the drinks tonight for wrecking another of my ships.”
Piestoff groaned and turned his attention to nursing his ship back to Blackarachnia’s dreadnought. Another evening in the bar watching Blackarachnia and Nifty making eyes at each other. Human courtship was strange, but at least there was plenty of drink to be had while he played gooseberry.

Blackarachnia burst into Piestoff’s sleeping quarters, poured a drink of water and kicked the bunk with the sleeping Piestoff on. “Come on man! It’s the afternoon already.”
Piestoff opened one eye and wondered why he couldn’t see. After a moment’s panic he realised and peeled a half-eaten naan bread off his face, the remains of last night’s kebab. He looked up to see Blackarachnia looming over him holding out the cup of water, sitting up he reached out a shaking hand to take it. His head instantly started to pound as his hangover woke up and screamed within his head. He took the glass and drank it in one, then put his head in his hands to hold it together as it threatened to split apart.
Yet again he’d had too much to drink in the bar and now he had to suffer the consequences. Suddenly without warning Blackarachnia leaned forward and put a hypodermic medisyringe against his neck and pressed the button. A quick sting and it delivered a liquid direct into Alienbutt’s bloodstream and his hangover vanished.
“Why can’t you ever let me enjoy my hangovers for a few hours?” whined Piestoff rubbing his neck knowing his chances of spending another few hours in bed were now zero.
“Because I’m a vicious thug, now come on and get cleaned up, we just received orders so it’s time to earn some money.” Blackarachnia walked over to a small sink area and wet a cloth which he threw over to Alienbutt who caught it and wiped his face. “We’re meeting up with Wickede and an Ick fleet and then we’re going for a big bounty out in the outer quadrants. Seems someone’s been pillaging the wrong outposts and the Federation have had enough. We need to get there fast as there will be bounty hunters from all over heading for this one as the pay's good.”
A light switched on in Piestoff’s head. “I take it you’re not wanting me along as the ship’s cleaner then. Have you promoted me and forgotten to mention it?”
Blackarachnia grinned “I want two wing men I can trust, Nifty’s already agreed.” He left the statement hanging while Piestoff gazed at the floor taking in the news that he had suspected subconsciously for a while.
“What if I freeze on you or run away?” Piestoff finally whispered.
“If you run away you’ll owe me big time and you won't freeze as the onboard ship’s heaters are great. If anything you’ll want to open a window as it’ll be too warm.”
“I’m serious Blackarachnia.” Piestoff looked up and stared into Blackarachnia’s smiling face, feeling scared and uncertain.
“Speak to Wickede tonight Piestoff, he's better with words than me.” Both looked down as a scraping noise came from under Piestoff’s bunk. Poodles crawled out and unfolded himself to stand towering over Blackarachnia, cocking his head to one side he stood as if waiting an answer to a question.
“Mr. Fluffy is still in Nifty’s quarters so you’re safe to go get breakfast,” said Blackarachnia as he reached up and patted Poodles on the shoulder. As if understanding, the Mutthound dropped to all fours and padded out in search of food. “How can something so big be afraid of a little cat?” mused Blackarachnia.
“Everyone apart from Nifty is scared of Fluffy and your security officer says if he pisses in his boots one more time he’s gonna quit on you and find a desk job,” answered Piestoff pulling on his own boots, standing up he started to swear.
pulling on his own boots, standing up he started to swear.
“That bloody cat, he's pissed in mine too, again!”
Blackarachnia shook his head and walked out of the cabin laughing. “I’ll catch you down on the bridge when you find your spare pair.”
After a quick search of his quarters Piestoff found his spare boots also sitting in a puddle of Mr. Fluffy’s making. Cursing he ran down to the ship’s spares stores and lost property to find anything he could put on.
After a frantic ten minutes search, Piestoff stepped out of the stores room hoping no one would notice his borrowed boots. They were bright patent red and knee high with more silver buckles than was good and a four inch platform sole. He had never noticed the stores’ keeper before, a strange guy called Ensign Fashion. He had picked out the boots saying they were the only ones in Alienbutt's size and for the life of him, Alienbutt couldn’t remember what the Ensign looked like. Today he just knew it was going to be one of those days that happened to him far too often. Making his way to the bridge he prepared himself for the comments that were bound to come.