The Alienbutt Saga, Book 1. War of the Coffee Bean. Part 49.

CHAPTER 21
The Battle of the Farts.
INTERSTELLAR NEWS CHANNEL 9 NEWS FLASH

News is coming in of a large mobilisation of Federation forces for a new offensive against the Ick and Outer System traitors. Unconfirmed reports state that a number of Ick positions have been overrun and at least one of the rebel ringleaders has been killed, but a name has not been released. In fierce fighting all along the Ashia Minor belt, reports state large gains for the Federation forces.

Wickede was half dragged by Alienbutt towards the ship, the dust and smoke from the cyborg’s ship's crash gave them cover, and added to this was a rapidly expanding green fog from the cyborg’s fart attack, reducing visibility to only a few feet in any direction. Alienbutt had a natural filtration system in his nose that, while leaving him light-headed from the cyborg Alienbutt's fumes, didn’t leave him almost unconscious like Wickede. Pressing a button on his wrist communicator he looked down at the Ick leader who was quickly losing all consciousness.
“Frank, send out Kirk to get Wickede off me, then when we’re all aboard you take off!”
“He’s on his way now to you, Alienbutt. The ship is prepped and ready to go.” Reaching the bottom of the ramp to the ship, Alienbutt put down Wickede and looked back towards where the cyborg was appearing through the haze. Hefting his gun he took aim and fired, spinning the cyborg around, but this time it didn’t go down. Kirk toddled down the ramp and grabbed Wickede’s wrist and began to drag the now unconscious Ick up into the ship.
“Alienbutt, I’m ready to take off as soon as you give the word,” cut in Frank’s voice from over the wrist communicator. Alienbutt stood on the bottom of the ramp peering through the mist, trying to spot the cyborg.
“Let’s get out of here, Frank,” he replied, taking another step up the ramp, still watching the haze for sign of the cyborg. The gloom was lit up; Alienbutt looked to see a large missile heading towards the ship, only to explode as it hit the energy shields about ten feet out from the ship. Frank had been taking no chances of the cyborg damaging the ship, but still the blast knocked Alienbutt over. He fell, rolling from the ramp just as the ship began to take off, and the ramp closed.

Getting to his knees, he saw the cyborg, a missile launcher upon his shoulder, aiming at the ship. Alienbutt grabbed his rifle and fired, again hitting the cyborg so that he fired the missile wide. At such close range the shields couldn’t take too many hits before buckling, but more importantly, he didn’t want find out how good a pilot Frank was when dealing with the blasts from the explosions that could still make him lose control and crash at such a low altitude. The ship was in the air now and moving off, but Alienbutt knew it wasn’t safe from a ground attack, and he didn’t know what other weapons the cyborg had.
“Alienbutt, I’ll swing around and come back for you,” came Frank’s voice over the wrist communicator.
“No! Those missiles it’s firing could bring down the ship. You need to get Wickede and the cure for coffee back to the Ick. Just work out a way to come back for me once you win.”
”But Alienbutt,” Frank began.
“That’s an order, Frank. I’m pulling the rank that Wickede gave me. Now punch the button and go,” shouted Alienbutt.
He saw the cyborg again taking aim at the ship and emptied the last of his ammunition at him as the ship shot off into the sky. Pressing a button on the belt of his codpiece, he released the butt-plugs safety, allowing the free escape of fumes. He had read about his people’s culture and in particular the single combat challenge of a fart battle to the death. Pulling out a handful of dried Garogian Chillies from a pouch on his belt, he stuffed them in his mouth. With his mouth burning and eyes watering from the strongest known chillies, he prepared for his challenge.

The cyborg cursed as the ship escaped. Scanning around, it picked up the life-form that had been left behind and smiled. It was crouching down now so the cyborg moved around to begin his approach from behind it. Just as the cyborg reached down to grab Alienbutt he let rip! A gas cloud enveloped the cyborg’s outstretched hand, blistering the flesh. Recoiling in pain, he was hit by a second and then a third blast as Alienbutt switched between butt holes for his attack.
The flesh of the cyborgs hand and lower arm began to blacken and blister. Stepping back, he swung his leg forward and aimed a kick to the ribs that sent the crouching Alienbutt flying through the air. Alienbutt landed heavily, knocking the air from his lungs. Rolling over he saw the cyborg approaching again. “You took me by surprise there Piestoff, an effective move, but you should have aimed your farts at my face,” the cyborg said in his growling metallic voice.
“I’ll remember that for my next shot,” gasped Alienbutt, getting up onto one knee, still struggling for breath. “You seem to have the advantage on introductions.” Alienbutt needed more time to get his breath back and hoped the cyborg would take the bait and stop to answer him.
The cyborg obliged, stopping about six feet away and grinning down at Alienbutt. “Don’t you recognise your old man, boy? I know it's been a long time. The body’s a bit different, I admit, but they didn’t touch the face.”
Alienbutt shook his head in horror; he was gazing into a face he remembered from the pictures his mother kept.
“Piestoff, I am your father!” the cyborg said as he moved forward and reached with his metallic arm and picked up Alienbutt, bringing them face to face.

To be continued.
Thanks for reading, all images are mine.