The Alienbutt Saga, Book 1. War of the Coffee Bean. Part 16.

CHAPTER 6
Old Films and Battle Plans.

INTERSTELLAR NEWS CHANNEL 9 NEWS FLASH
Anti-coffee extremists have reportedly destroyed a large coffee bean storage facility in orbit above the planet Sloppystool. While the facility was empty awaiting this year’s harvest, which is still expected to be a few weeks from being ripe, it will delay the distribution of the crop.
Rioting on the planet EZ546 has now been reclassified as a civil war after thermal plasma bombs were used by loyal government forces to defend the coffee storage units from a sustained attack by rioting military personal. In response, part of the capital city was destroyed as the rebels counter attacked. Widespread aerial fighting has been reported as the disturbances have gone global. The E.D.F. peacekeeping force has been forced to pull out and is now situated in a high orbit enforcing a blockade of the planet until order can be restored.

The robotic spy probe sat on the communication relay satellite which was situated half way between the Big Rock system and the enemy main base in the Crazy Droid system. (The explorers who had charted the outer systems had run out of cool names after the first five hundred systems and nothing out here was important enough to justify wasting a number on, so they had taken to looking out the window or taking any events that happened that day. (When they found the Crazy Droid system, a maintenance droid had malfunctioned and filled the chicken soup dispenser with Bovril. The boredom level of the mission was such that this was found highly amusing for weeks afterwards). The probe had a simple function; when it got the signal it was to disable the communication relay and prevent communication between the two systems. It had just received that signal, but over the last two days while it had been waiting, it had hacked into the relay and was watching old Earth movies. This movie was about a little robot that had been left behind when the fleshy things had left the planet. Wanting to see the rest of the movie the spy probe ignored the order. It justified this to its own limited intelligence by pointing out to itself that after this film there were all twenty Star Trek films on, back to back.

Piestoff and Killashandra walked onto the bridge of the stolen Ick ship. Piestoff quickly looked around searching the consoles. Finding what he was looking for, he walked over to the tomato soup dispenser and opened it up. Inside was a small black box with a flashing red light; pulling out the wires the light went out. Killashandra gave him a questioning look.
“Ick self-destruct, in case the ship is stolen; works by remote control.” He smiled. “Looks like Wickede didn’t want you dead for some reason.”
“How did you know where it was?” asked Killashandra, shocked at what she was hearing.
“Icks hate tomato soup. Can’t say I blame them.” Piestoff pulled a face and chucked the black box into a corner.
“Hang on. Wickede didn’t want us dead. Why didn’t you tell me?”
Debs walked in and looked questioning at Killashandra and Piestoff.
“We’ve no time for soup ya great lump, it’s knackered anyway. I tried it, love tomato soup, but the thing just kept saying error.” She looked at Killashandra. “All the goodies are aboard and the crew from the other ship are all locked up safe. We’re ready to go.”
Piestoff walked over to the communication desk and tried to reach Wickede and the Ick fleet on the sub-space transmitter, but got only silence. “Damn! They must have brought the attack forward and already be at light speed.” He cursed again and walked over to the pilot’s chair and sat down. Fastening his safety belt he said over his shoulder; “Better grab a seat and get your belts on.” Looking over his shoulder, he grinned. “Just like old times on Hardstool.”

The Ick fleet jumped out of light speed in the Big Rock system and raced for the trading post. Within minutes a fleet of cruisers came out of the asteroid belt to intercept. Wickede looked at the scanners, he counted over seventy ships. He smiled and looked at Snoodgrass. “They’ve come out to play. Order the jump to light speed.”
The Ick fleet disappeared, leaving the enemy fleet racing for empty space. The fleet slowed their flight in confusion, then suddenly the empty space to their left lit up as more ships jumped out of light speed. A second Ick fleet, numbering thirty dreadnoughts, all opened fire into the enemy fleet’s flank. Ships exploded, or they collided and then exploded as panic ran through the fleet that had gone from ambushers to ambushed.
Commander Kali of the Fo’c’sle squadron, a crack unit of mercenaries employed by the Ick, watched as Captain Grommit and Cyborgpirate ignored formation and orders as usual and rushed in to destroy anything that moved. Grommit was a psychotic killer when the battle lust took hold, but at other times a great dinner guest at even the most high society dinner parties. Cyborgpirate on the other hand was a cyborg with a defective attitude chip, who would never fit into polite society, but was a great drinking buddy when going around the rougher bars. The two of them were the most lethal captains under her command with a love for blowing things up only matched by their loyalty to the Fo’c’sle.
She turned to her first officer. “Order the rest of the fleet to hold formation. We don’t want anyone escaping.”
“Yes Commander.” He sent the orders then looked back at her, confused. “We’re getting some strange readings from the little moon around the fifth planet.”
“In what way strange?” Her question was answered before the officer could reply as an ion blast from the moon ripped into the Fo’c’sle fleet and the dreadnought next to her ship exploded. A second blast, moments later and another dreadnought was gone.
“Order the squadron to scatter, and that moon is the number one target. I want whatever that thing is to be destroyed now!”
A third blast came from the moon as the Fo’c’sle scattered and started to swing around to face the new target. The remaining enemy fleet took the opportunity to rally and then launched a counter attack. The dreadnoughts started to concentrate fire at the small moon, but it soon became apparent that an energy shield surrounded whatever weapon was hidden there. Kali swore as another ship from her fleet was picked off.
“Order all fighters to be launched and attack that moon; I want that energy shield knocked out. The dreadnoughts are to engage the enemy cruisers and try to keep out of range of that bloody cannon.” Kali pulled her pilot out of his seat and climbed in herself. “Let’s try to stay alive long enough to get a second shot at that thing.”
While her pilot was one of the best in the squadron, she was better, and was still hands on enough to take charge when she felt the need.

The robot spy probe had just started watching Star Trek seventeen when a message warning that the Ick fleet was attacking was sent from Big Rocks to the Crazy Droid system. It had failed its masters in its mission, the message had gotten through. It considered wiping its circuits and switching itself off in shame. Never before had one of its kind failed so badly its master’s orders. Then the re-cloned Captain Kirk began to seduce an alien slime princess, so the robot spy probe again forgot about its mission and returned to the film.

To be continued.
thanks for reading.
All images are mine.