The Alienbutt Saga, Book 1. War of the Coffee Bean. Part 1.

INTRODUCTION

Roswell didn’t lead to the first official contact with alien life. (They've always been here. Really what I should have said was first official contact with post-industrial governments.) That had happened about ten years before and the most interesting facts about Roswell never even registered in the little green men theories that sprang up surrounding the crash. Those cute little alien pictures leaked out were indeed not real; they were fakes made up to hide the identity of the real passengers in the ship. Roswell was nothing more than a car crash; admittedly the car was flying and could travel through space.

It was just that the 'car' crashed in a place where it shouldn’t have been and it caused a bit of an interstellar incident. Another little fact you wouldn’t know about the flying car was it had a little sign on it that could be turned on. When you did, that sign read “For Hire.”
The passengers of this car were transferred quickly to another interstellar taxi and they left Earth after a long weekend break to what was becoming the hottest new holiday destination in the universe. Area 51, playground to the mega rich and interstellar famous. Only here could you play pranks on a semi-intelligent species that still thought itself alone in the universe, or go all rustic and hire a human body suit to live the simple life of a twentieth century human.

The driver of the taxi was never seen or mentioned in any of the theories about little green men and even though he survived the crash without a scratch his family never saw him again. He was arrested at the crash site by the interstellar police and his defense that "That bloody hill just jumped out on me," didn’t work.
Bigrip Alienbutt got sixty years for dangerous driving and his family was left destitute by the compensation claim made by his passengers for personal injuries sustained.

So Mrs. Alienbutt and her young hatchling Piestoff were evicted from their suburban home on the planet MZ32 and rehoused halfway across the universe in social housing on the planet Sloppystool. Moving from a planet with a number (the higher the number the better the planet) to one with a name (a burnt out rock not even worth turning into a garbage dump, so not worth a number) didn’t just ruin your life, it often ended it. Only the toughest creatures could survive for long in social housing. The crime rate was low, as you didn’t survive to report a crime, and the local police were two solar systems away and only did a very fast fly past every month or so.
The Alienbutts were not tough, but what they were was naturally gifted. On their home world good food had always been in short supply so they had evolved a complex digestive system which allowed them to digest any food available. This wasn’t a problem until an Alienbutt started to eat rich and spicy food. The fact that this digestive system ended in four arseholes gave them a natural defence system that could take out an angry mob in under a minute at over five hundred feet distance.

Alienbutts spent many years learning how to control their gas release and a skilled Alienbutt could use his gas as a weapon to match any known martial art in the universe. Not being brought up in an Alienbutt community Piestoff tended to be more a random nuclear explosion than anything like a precise weapon that could split hairs.
Piestoff’s mum was no help to the young hatchling. Losing her social standing when her husband was sent to prison, and then being moved to Sloppystool had left her a broken shell of her former socialite self. Piestoff mainly brought himself up. He teamed up with a human street urchin who lived behind the bins of his flat. She was known as the Nifty Niffler, and looking out for each other and with the help of Nifty’s psychotic cat they managed to survive the rough streets.

One thing kept Piestoff going during those early years; his Uncle Stinky owned a taxi firm on the planet TW50 and Piestoff dreamed of getting a job with him. After his mum died when they had been on the planet for twenty years Piestoff sneaked aboard a supply ship with the only friend he had ever known, Nifty and her cat Mr. Fluffy.

Finally free of the slums of Sloppystool, the universe awaited him. But the wait was a long one. Soon caught by the crew of the ship, Piestoff and Nifty (as well as Mr. Fluffy.) were put under arrest and placed in suspended animation. One week out from Sloppystool the ship mysteriously disappeared for six hundred years. When it was found, only three survivors remained. The story made big news on Earth. It turned out Nifty and her cat had been abducted by unknown alien genetic scientists from late twentieth century Earth. As a result she was deported from Sloppystool for having no valid immigration papers, she returned to Earth a celebrity. Now not only was she the oldest living human, but also the genetic experiments carried out on her had given her super human reflexes and strength. Those same experiments on Mr. Fluffy had made a super intelligent cat that plotted to reclaim its universe that rightfully belonged to him. Luckily for the universe he was still in a cat’s body and his paws couldn't work the technology needed for him to achieve his aims.
His murderous psychotic tendencies were only held in check to protect his favourite belonging, Nifty. Piestoff he didn't much care for, as he smelled bad. So Mr. Fluffy plotted in secret, hiding his intelligence from all, just waiting for his chance to strike and claim the universe for his own.

As for Piestoff, he was dumped back on Sloppystool with hardly a mention even in the local news.

Thanks for reading, all pictures are my own work.