Fiftywords: Broken By Avalanche
This short story is an entry for #fiftywords initiative, maintained by @jayna for this week due to @miniature-tiger hiatus. Prompt for this week is"Bark." I spent a long time writing this, and playing with the word count to make it exactly 50 words, but I like the final result.
Here we go:
Broken By Avalanche
Legs got stuck between rocks and too cold to feel my hands, I lifted my heavy head to look at the trees broken by the avalanche.
"I won't die here." I rejected the possibility my mind accepted.
Just then, I heard a retriever bark. "I will survive this storm."
The End
Any idea to improve the story?
I'll be pleased to hear them even if they'd make the story length gets past the 50 words limit.
wow very nice
Now this is creative
What did you like most in my story? Do you think anything can be improved? I think your comments can get better if you put more thoughts into them (not saying this comment is bad.)
Okay no offense taken
I'll try to be constructive from now on
Yup, glad you replied. My goal is to make you better, not to criticize you.
Yep and and am all eyes
To accept any corrections and and suggestions
Beautifully written! Sometimes the shortest of our tales cost us more than long ones! You did well :)
Thanks for reading, hope to do more of these #Fiftywords, it's hard but fun to do.
This is really cool, @ahmadmanga! I see the whole scene-- the climber realizing he may not survive, but suddenly hearing a rescue dog nearby. Love it!
Unfortunately, I didn't see it before now, as you didn't add the link to the comments of the contest post. I came across this via a mention on Discord. (And note to self: I've got to remember to check for mentions more often. I don't do it enough because I'm daunted by all the "everyone" tags.)
Anyway, I will most likely run more contests. I hope you'll contribute again! This is so clever.
I'm like that too by the way...
Which contest? I think I posted the link in fiftywo-- checks the announcement post Wait?! I FORGOT TO DO THAT?! Ouch...
No problem, I'm glad that I got three comments on it.
The only part I wasn't sure about is this:
I'm not native English so I wasn't sure if retriever is the name of* one of the dog types that are used to rescue, and I wasn't sure if that's how a native writer would write it. What do you think?
EDIT: added "the name of"
That is a good question, as to whether retrievers are official rescue dogs. I would have to research it. I think the popular lore used to be that it was St. Bernards, but I’m pretty sure there is any truth to it, particularly in modern times. The way you wrote it is fine. You did great!
Thanks a lot.
Yay for rescue dogs! That sounds like quite a storm!
It must have been.