Forced Fatherhood blog 7/19/17

I havent seen my daughter since Sunday and I dont know how to feel about that. Granted, she will have to get used to dad living in one place and she another, but I never wanted that kind of "family" for my children, which of course brings me back to the circumstances of her conception and the anger and pain associated with it. I could go see her whenever I want, but the truth is most of the time I'd rather not. Its not HER mind you, its the fact that my life was already bloated as it is (another reason I did not want to start a family now that her mom verbally agreed with, but didnt give a shit about when the time came).

I feel terrible about this because I feel I am to blame and that she should have more attention from me that I frankly, cant afford to give to her. But even with my terrible feelings about it I am somewhat okay with not seeing her. That actually makes me feel worse because it makes me wonder if I will ever really love her the way any child deserves to be loved. Family members say that I am too hard on myself, but that is because I have high standards for myself. I wanted to be the best father I could be when I was ready, but now since I have been prematurely forced into this position my daughter might have to settle for average (at best) and that kills me (not that anyone gives a damn how I feel but me anyway). =(