4 Lessons I Have Learned By Being A Father
Being a father is one of the most rewarding and challenging adventures I have ever faced. I am blessed with 5 kiddos (ages 3 to 10 years old) who fill my life with joy, laughter, and excitement. But they can also wear me out, try my patience, and make my heart skip a beat or two.
I love them with all my heart. And every day being their daddy teaches me more about life.
I make mistakes. I make a lot of them!
I have always known that I am an imperfect person, but having children seems to remind me constantly of this fact. As adults, we can become callused because of previous trauma. We can become trained experts at deflecting pain with our defensive walls. We might lessen our expectations of others because we have been disappointed so often.
But most children wear their emotions on their sleeves. If a child is blessed (meaning not bogged down by the emotional baggage that adults carry), then his or her tender heart will hurt quickly instead of being lifeless and dulled.
I almost immediately see my failed interactions with my children.
- When I raise my voice in anger, I see the gathering of a tear and a little face that is full of shame.
- When I do not give the attention that is needed, I see the dropped shoulders and deflated posture as my child as she walks away.
- If I show anger enough times, I will see my children hiding from me instead of running to me in their time of need.
I make mistakes. Being a father keeps teaching me this lesson.
I pass down my strengths and weaknesses to my children.
We all come to the table with strengths and weaknesses. In my opinion, both should be celebrated. Having strengths and weaknesses is not a sign of success or failure, but how we use them (or overcome them) is.
If my wife is a stereo speaker that tells me how I am navigating this journey called life, then my children are mirrors that reflect how I am navigating this journey. I see myself in each and every one of my 5 littles. I see characteristics and qualities that make me proud, and others that make me cringe.
As a father, I must help my children learn how to live a full life with those strengths and weaknesses. And as I am shepherding them through life they teach me as well. I am honored to be both teacher and student!
My values and beliefs are the foundation for my children's values and beliefs.
Many people believe that you should allow a child to choose their own path. I partially agree. I believe that we should train and mentor our children during their transformational early years so that as they mature they will able to make wise decisions.
I support the idea of building a strong foundation, and I recommend that parents take an active role in establishing this important foundation. I am learning that my values and beliefs are starting points for my children's values and beliefs.
How will I teach them to ...
- respect authority?
- love the unlovely?
- seek reconciliation?
- pursue knowledge and wisdom?
- be people of their word?
- value excellence?
- never give up?
My children are forming their worldview as they hear what I teach and watch what I do. Maybe they will choose a different path later in life, but for now, I desire to teach them well so that later they can choose to live a life well-lived.
A simple act of kindness can change a someone's day, week, or life.
I should always show kindness, and while I am at it, I should start by showing kindness to the those who live in my home. As dads, we often forget how a small act of kindness makes a huge impact in the lives of our children.
Kindness is all about engagement.
- "Am I pretty, daddy?" "Yes, you look beautiful."
- "Look at my picture. I made it just for you." "Thank you so much."
- "Will you read me a book, daddy?" "I would love to."
- "I fell down!" "Come here and let me give you a hug."
I have watched small interactions with my children change the course of their day and week. I have hope that as I engage my children through kindness, I will be able to impact their lives so that they can impact the lives of people I may never meet.
Final Thoughts
I would never change my life with all of its joys and struggles. I am blessed to married to the love of my life. And we have 5 amazing children.
There are days when I feel the extreme weight of this responsibility, but it is a joy to travel this journey as a family together.
Image Source: https://pixabay.com/en/man-daughter-scene-girl-lady-863085/
I always value what is shared from experience over what is merely learned from a book (or whatever). Thank you.
You made an observation:
and this is certainly true for many these days. I would observe that children tend to choose their own paths regardless of what we think we "allow"! All we parents can hope to do is equip them to make wise choices. And it is our daily behavior that equips them, as you point out.
The authoritarian, sheltered strategy typically fails the first six months the child is away from the authority figure, i.e. shortly after they leave home. The other extreme of complete liberality simply fails sooner, usually between the ages of 12-14.
Who we are is inculcated into our children, for better or worse. If we we love our children become loving. If we are vengeful our children will be vengeful. So yes, "your values and beliefs are the foundation" of who we are and is manifested in our behavior. It is our daily behavior that shapes our children. Children become what we do, rarely what we say.
Observing our children as they reveal us to ourselves can provoke the wildest of extreme emotions. Everyone should have a few ;-)
Thank you for this very thoughtful comment. I really appreciate your comparison of the authoritarian and libertarian parenting styles.
I want to find a place where I am available when they are long to equip and train so that when they leave my home they are able to thrive. I want to raise them in such as way that they want to come back to visit me once they leave. That would be one sign of success in parenting well (in my opinion)!
Absolutely. Our simple goal was that our daughter and her mother would be best friends after she left home. Thankfully they are! The father-daughter relationship is much easier. I had no sons so I can't speak to that. I suspect there's a strong parallel between the phrase " a wing and a prayer" and raising of our kids! We would be the "wing" and prayer is , well prayer.
In my knowledge you have known love very young. And you became a father also in the midst of young dear friend. You have given us a fairly rewarding and more realistic experience of educating children. The most difficult thing is to instill in US children what we want. Not what they want. Thank you for this experience
I married my wife when I was 21 years old. I have been married for 16 years. We have been blessed by God and that is why our marriage is so strong. Sometimes it is challenging to raise children, but it is a right and responsibility that I take seriously.
Thanks for your comment!
I do not know what to say, which is certainly different country, different attitude in educating children, if in my country, there is a child's behavior when he imitates the nature of his parents dikaretuannya, seen from the attitude of the person's master. I just want to say, avoid children from cruelty, anger emotions and rude nature.
Saya selalu menjaga anak-ankaku. Saya tidak mau lakukan sesuata yang tidak baik bagi mereka. Tapi saya tidak sempurna. Kalau saya salah saya ingin meminta maaf kepada mereka.
As a parent, willingness to be a student is a good trait. You learn a lot about yourself raising children.
I have learned so much about myself after being married and having kids. I would not give up those moments, even when sometimes I don't like what I learned about myself.
The way you wrote your post, tells that as a father, you are an ideal head of the family.
I want to be a good husband and father. Leading my family well is very important to me.
Thanks for your kind words and encouragement.
Thank for this information @sumatranate, althoungt I haven't been a father yet, but I can learn it about your experience.
The man you are today will impact the man who you become tomorrow. My advice is to start thinking about this important issues now so that you can live a legacy for your family.
Yeah you right @sumatranate, I will be, and start to learn about that all.
My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could
Give another person he believed in me. My father did not tell me how to live he lived and let me watch him do it.
You father sounds like a great man. I hope to not just tell my children how to live but be an example that they want to follow.
Thanks for your comment!
I grew up without a father so I never knew what to do if I were to become a father in the future. What you have said is really true and applicable. Thank you for that.
Thanks for sharing your life experience. I know that you can become a good father even though you grew up without a father. I hope that you can find a male mentor who can walk beside you.
Thank you! so far, my male mentors haven't been the best.
A very enlightening article! I'm feeling content by reading a father point of view. I agree with you we are humans and we make mistakes, but learning from them is what makes the difference. I'm a big girl and still get teary eyed whenever my father raised his voice :)
Thanks for commenting. Fathers have a strong influence on our children. We need to make sure that we choose to influence in a positive way.
Completely agree that we have to learn from our mistakes. They are great opportunities to live a better life.
The world feels a bit more secure knowing there are men like you in it.
Thanks for the kind words.