Confession...

I thought about leaving it all behind again recently
It was the weirdest thing. It felt dejavu-ish.
Boobgirl turned 10 months and I had the urge to wean her. And I did, over a weekend, just like her brother. Then I started thinking of going away to find parts of myself and never coming back.
It took a lot to convince myself it was the right thing. I felt like my whole life was defined by the title, MOTHER. And it didn’t feel satisfying.
As I set out to bring the girl back here I started loosing interest in anything that meant I needed to nurture or give of myself to anyone especially babies.
So I travelled. I took a break from my life. In that time I called once, maybe twice the most to check on them. I didn’t miss them at all while I was away to be honest. I felt like a huge load was taken off me.
The first night I slept after I travelled, I woke up to look for Boobgirl on the bed. For a minute I didn’t know where I was as I wondered if my baby had fallen off the bed. Then it occurred to me that I was in a different state from my babies. Phew.
I returned yesterday and since I came back I feel brand new. They have been so clingy and I too have enjoyed being here with them. It occurred to me that, I want them with me until they leave the nest. The other thing is, I know I will need breaks sometimes and I will be the first to say I need them and hop on the next flight and run off to Timbuktu but only for about 6-10 days max. Then I will be back ready and happy to continue mummying.
As the girl showed up, she chased the woman away but last night, the girl and the woman integrated. They need each other to navigate this mummying waters. The girl brings the fun playful side and the woman nurtures and protects her seed. Balance
I think now I understand what they mean by, “it takes a village to raise a child.” I’m not sure one person (in this case mums) was meant to do it alone. I don’t think this paranoid fear that you must be physically present with your child all day every day, is natural. I don’t think we have tried for our men by thinking they are handicap when it comes to child care and therefore excluding them entirely or partially from child care duties. I don’t think we have encouraged new mums to trust their intuition enough as regards babies.
So I’m back here, same grind but with a different perspective. Mummying without resistance and knowing that my next trip will give me the break I need from feeling like all of my life is tied to Mothering. Like a friend said to me tonight, “even as a Mummy, I too want my Mummy sometimes.” Her words resonated deeply
If you are a tired mum reading this, your feelings and thoughts are valid. Start talking to your partner and extended family about a short break for you. You need Mothering too.