The secret to a strong marriage

My husband and I created a mission statement several years ago. Rather than some inspiring words on a piece of paper that you put on a wall or in a drawer, we wanted something more dynamic and meaningful. To make it live, we had to implement its concepts into our lives, so we established a weekly joint planning meeting. With some tweaking, it can be applied to an individual just as easily as a couple or household. It has literally changed my life and our marriage.

We have an agenda to make sure we hit the important points.

1. Mission statement
2. Goals
3. Focus and priorities for the week
4. Calendar
5. Entertainment
6. Date night
7. Children and extended family
8. Budgets and finance

It is more fluid conversation than the list might suggest. But it's important to have this framework. We read our mission statement to remind ourselves of our "big picture," and then review the top two or three family goals and key personal goals. We do these two things first, to make sure that before we dive into the minutia, we have reminded ourselves of who we are, what we are striving for and who we want to become.

Focus and priorities, calendar and entertaining are intertwined, often becoming one discussion. We include our professional and personal roles. I want to know what his big issues are for work so I can be more in tune with his needs. He wants to know what I am working on and about the children's activities so he can support me and more easily slot into family rhythms. The calendar is detailed for the week as well as highlights for the coming month. Actions are translated into to-dos or calendar items and recorded on the spot.

Date night is critical. If you are on your own, set aside a date night with yourself each week. For rest, relaxation and dreaming. For couples or singles with children, dates take planning. Often for us it’s dinner and a movie together at home once the children are in bed. We try to make sure that one night a week we are focused on each other. It doesn't always happen, but it would happen even less if we didn't schedule it.

Have you ever fought over the children? Or some conflict within your extended family? This is the place to talk about it. "I didn’t like how you handled [this] with Mary and this is why," or "I've been trying [this approach] and it's really working." Don't do this when you are both in front of the child and undermining each other. Communicating this way has helped our parenting be more aligned and less contentious. We’ve even found ourselves slipping in praise, "You handled that tantrum with [John] beautifully." We remind each other whose birthdays are coming up and download information about siblings, parents, nieces and nephews to each other. It is a chance to note, "Annie needs a phone call, Grandma told me she's having a really hard time."

Finally, the budget. If you can't talk about money and intimacy with your beloved (or be honest about those things with yourself), you’re on the path to trouble. Here is where talking about money becomes routine and comfortable. You are accountable to each other. There are seasons where we’ve tracked all spending. Other times it’s a general "this is where we are on the budget" conversation. We identify holidays, special events, unplanned expenses and figure out what has to go where. The details are important, but make sure you also take time to rise above and talk about goals like special trips, giving and your big dreams.

Planning gives you the freedom to fly
The mistake is to let the plan become the end game. My mantra: the plan is subject to change without notice, but you've got to have one.

You can approach your week with perspective, knowledge and empowerment. If you’re planning with your spouse, it’s a powerful tool in keeping your marriage strong, opening the door to truly understanding what is important to each other. Our planning meeting also helps me stay focused and behave more authentically.

Like you, I have many roles. Evaluating the priorities helps me make sure all of those elements are being touched on, with the focus changing according to need. This framework helps me cast aside the guilt and know that at least one thing is being done in each of the key areas.