Today's A Heavy Day For Me - Reliving A Tragedy & Miracle - Mother's Day Redefined
Around this time last year, I was naively playing my drums for an openmic post when my Mom was crushed by a tree that fell during a flash tornado... while she was driving. It hit her directly in the face and chest.
Wrong place, wrong time, wrong everything...
Many people who've followed me for a while know the story about this nightmare, which happened just after my Dad died from brain cancer, but many don't.
To make things infinitely deeper, I have a picture capturing guardian angels at the accident scene: my Dad, Grandfather, Grandmother, and Uncle. Their faces are clear. Angels exist and they're watching...
Maybe my Dad's brain tumor battle had to end when it did so he could save her. I can literally see him in the afterlife whenever I want, but I never look at it. It's too hard.
Anyway, soon enough, it'll be the exact moment they swooped in, breaking her car seat backward to save her from being completely crushed.
Her injuries were severe, but she lived and can enjoy life normally today. There's no other explanation given the direct force and magnitude. No first responder or doctor could believe it.
Thank GOD there was a happy ending, as I was able to call my Mom yesterday to wish her Happy Mother's Day.
While I should've visited her, I'm still too shaken from the memories to do that. Last year, yesterday, we went to a museum and had dinner to spend time and celebrate, oblivious to what was around the corner. I was sort of afraid to see her this time.
This upcoming "anniversary" is even heavier, and I need to be alone. My brother will likely go see her. I'll give her a call to check in.
If you want to read a DEEP and emotional post about why today is so intense (and more on the guardian angels), you'll get the chills reading this:
I don't want to write about the entire experience again because it's too hard. Since barely anyone read the post above, it'd mean a lot if you could read it to understand just some of what I've been through. It doesn't get much more real.
I think the best way to handle this will be to get on my drums around the same time and play the same asian-drum improv jam I was playing last year when the accident happened. I deleted the old videos of that session because I couldn't stand to see myself rocking out with no clue that people were frantically trying to call me to let me know what happened and that she was in really bad shape. I was having fun while she was a fraction of an inch away from dying.
I'll likely go to the gym after to build myself instead of my baseball teammate racing me to the hospital an hour away under green skies, not sure if she'd be alive by the time I got there (all trains were shut down).
Instead of staying in the ICU all night with power outages preventing critical scans, I'll be outside walking on the curbs to find things to recycle and sell.
My birthday is coming up, so instead of being in the ICU with surgeons to discuss her paralysis risk at the exact time I was born, I'll be sleeping soundly in my bed or saying a prayer.
Instead of never being home to miss the signs of my pet's stomach cancer before learning I suddenly had to put him down, maybe I'll get a new one.
Instead of living in and out of the ICU and critical care centers in hospitals for months, I can take care of myself.
The same goes for her.
Knock on wood.
Now people can understand why I write a lot of jokes.
*Life is not always easy, but its challenges make us stronger. Sometimes you don't realize how strong you are until you're faced with the ultimate tests. However, much like with any resistance, it takes time to grow, and for the pain the subside so something better can take its place.
A dramatic solitary tear,
@steemmatt
I cannot agree more man!
my mom had an heart attack a few years ago and I was in the Philippines studying, she survived and she's still here with us, but one thing we learn is we must eat soil to be ale to become what we want to be or just have a meaningful life! it'll put it all in prospective.
the hardship is a must! <3
Glad your Mom and family endured there. You're right about the your message. That was the theme for my for 3+ years, so it became a part of my recent life and all I was surrounded by, so I've gotten a lot of new perspective, but also need more time to pass before so something better can replace those recent memories.
yeah man! time will heal anything you know brother :) <3
I normally give out 10% upvotes, but for something this meaningful, honest, and strong, I'll go all the way up to 12%.
I've said it before, I think, but it's good to know you Matt.
I didn't know anything above 11 was possible. Thanks for reading and your message. Heard loud and clear.
Love you. You are loved by a great many people. You are kind of heart & blessed beyond words. Be well. See you down the road.
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I remember reading that original post. Ignorance can sometimes be bliss, but PTSD can be a real pain.
I'm glad you're using your energy in a positive way.
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Thanks for being supportive and reading as always. Today is the day, so I'll cash that positive energy in now.
I read that post. I hope I commented too. What a huge trauma not just for her, but clearly for you. How lucky you are to have her around still. Life is precious. Go read my post from Sunday.... you'll know that I know a little of what you are feeling, but also the ultimate message of that post forms a reply of sorts that saves me writing more here. Xxx Much love xx
I read it. Sigh... life can be so awesome and hard at the same time. I'm glad you're having a peaceful and positive experience with your Dad. This will ultimately give you plenty of comfort in the process of life and in his memory. That's something I really wish I had, as I have the farthest thing from that and pay the price daily. Thanks for being so sincere and sharing your story.
I remember the post. I actually read it. Thank God your mom is alive. You should go see her mate.
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Thanks x2. I agree. After going through the whole hospital thing, I've developed a bit of a wall there. It's frustrating. The last 3 years have been major Dad/Mom health things, and as the local child, I was the one there for 95% of it, and I've started associating family time as a gut-wrenching struggle because of it. I think more time elapsing from all the trauma will help it work its way out.
Nutty and scary story brother. My sisters friends mom passed in a freak cat accident. Hit a deep in the mountains and the antlers went through the windshield. Bucking like crazy into her ultimately taking her life. I remember being maybe 12 when that happened. Fucking madness. Glad your mom survived to tell the tale.
I don't understand why it is hard for you to see your mom on Mother's day or any day. If she passed tomorrow would you be sorry you missed last Sunday's special honor?
It reminds me of what I saw and experienced in the ICU and post-surgeries for months. She also got sepsis and hallucinated/yelled/blamed me/panicked constantly for a while. It was intense stress/emotional agony for me and broke me down. While it wasn't really her (due to the blood infection), some of this was similar in behavior to how my Dad treated me, and it was too much. Being around her in person, when she still talks about it often, triggers too many bad memories for me and I shut down. I can't control it. Time will have to help me here.
There's a little more to this story post-recovery, but not something I can explain here.
Baby steps.