Healing From Depression

I had all of these concrete plans to write a post about the excess of the holidays (which I may still do) when I read a Facebook post yesterday about a dear friend struggling with depression. I have no grand ideas that I can fix anything or bring her back to health but I felt convicted to share my experience with the devastating condition myself. Maybe I can be encouragement to someone who needs it.

To be honest, my whole journey through this blog doesn’t make sense. I have no idea who I’m writing for, what I’m writing about next or even if anyone even reads it. It’s not a hobby of mine; it’s an appointment. All I know is that the Lord creates the stories of our lives not so much for our benefit but for others, and I felt He was pushing me to share mine without explanation. Where He leads, I will follow.

I had previously shared a bit of my story in these posts here and here but didn’t touch on the specific aftermath so much. My previous marriage ended more than ten years ago yet I have lived with the effects of it up until October of this year. In that time I have struggled with the unpredictable and emotion-full of depression. One day I would be fine, the next it would seep into my soul unannounced, take over my thoughts and pull me downward until I was barely treading water. I tried everything – every book and sermon, praying (God and I had some pretty intense talks), and even therapy. Some would work temporarily, some would never catch and others were just a waste of time. But you still try. You hope each time someone talks to you that they say the magic words that will snap you back to existence. You pray every morning that today God has a special word for you that brings your thinking back to normal. Yet, time goes on and the end seems further from sight.

I thought surely that’s when God would meet me. When I’m at my lowest. No luck. My faith that God would come through for me waned each time one of my expectations was ignored.

Apparently, God wasn’t through with my learning experience.

But in October I went to a special women’s meeting at church that changed the course of my life forever. We started with the usual praise and worship but then we did something we don’t normally do: we took a few minutes of silence to listen to what God had to say individually. Now, I’ve done this many times in the past and have been very blessed by the practice. Admittedly, I had high expectations, even as I had barely enough room to breathe above my sorrow. But that night I truly surrendered and decided that even if God didn’t give me a grand revelation, I would still praise Him. I wasn’t going into this experience with any expectations. The only thing I said to God as I slowed my breathing and closed my eyes was that my flame of hope was only a smolder, barely breathing. I needed him to rekindle that flame.

And the vision that followed was – I have no doubt – a vision of God’s glory. For a brief half a second the bright light in my vision literally took my breath away. In an instant, I had peace. My mind was at rest. My soul was full of hope. My flame was burning bright.

Looking back, I see that, while I may have thought everything I was doing was wrong, there were a few things I did that helped. I’m not saying that by doing these things you’ll be healed from your depression, but I know that they’ll help bring you to a deeper and stronger relationship with God in the end:

Being consistent – Although the devil was messing with my thoughts, I stayed on the narrow path. Using whatever strength I had left in me, I followed what I had learned at church, what the Lord asked of me in His Word, and followed His promptings. My quiet times and my church attendance continued as I waited.

Bringing praise – Many of the songs I sang in church were expressed not through my song, but through the tears that fell. As I sang those words on the screen I imagined myself in front of God’s throne, privately singing those heartfelt words directly to Him. I believe it brought our relationship to a much deeper level.

Surrendering – As I mentioned earlier, I had surrendered to God in the past but there was always a fear of the future. It was a “yes, but…” That’s a fear-based response, which is not perfect love. It was only at that church service where I said to the Lord, “yes, okay,” and nothing more.

My fear is that someone reading this will create an expectation that their situation will come out the same. But you and I both know that’s not how God works. Each one of us needs that learning experience, that precious time of leaning on the Lord like a ton of bricks, especially when you feel hit by it. Your outcome will be different than mine. Your visit in the pit will be shorter or longer, depending on what God wants to do for you.

As I conclude, I want you to know that if anyone gets you, it’s me. If anyone knows where you’re at, it’s me and countless others who have been in your shoes. Talk with someone. Talk with God. Don’t be afraid to tell Him what you think, what you’re feeling. Just don’t bring any expectations. Don’t give up. Don’t hold tight. Just surrender and let Him in.