Where I Am At

in ecotrain •  last month

I take a deep breath, feeling my breath as it passes through my body. Taking these moments for myself, are what have kept me going these last few days. These little snippets of self care, moments of stillness where I can connect and recharge, they are what have enabled me to be strong.

I have had moments where I wondered where my strength was coming from, or how much longer I could carry on, being full time carer of my 3 amazing children, whilst also trying to grieve and process what I have gone through these last few months. I have done what I always do, I just keep going, I push on through. But recently I made a promise to myself. I promised to be more gentle, to actually practice what I have been preaching to you all.

See that is the thing, it is always easier to just talk about it, to talk about what is best for one's own well being, to talk about and promote self care, self love. But when you have so little time in the day, like I do , I tend to just push that need away. To shelf it for another day. To not prioritize myself, my needs. Why? because I am not worth it, because I put my children's well being before my own, as most mothers do. But shouldn't we be showing them how important it is my actually doing it for ourselves, is this not one of the greatest things we can show them?

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Where is the balance in all of this, I know that I am the only one that can create that balance. I am the only one that can take the time, or should I say make the time, for me. Just me, longer than those little snippets where I breathe deep and recharge. Because that is what I need right now, I need a good hour of silence, of peace, a hour that is just for me and only me.

But in order for me to do that, I need to ask for help, I need to ask someone within my community to come be with my girls whilst I take time for me. I know a few people who would be very happy to do this, but yet I hesitate. I love to help others, to offer my support , yet I lack the courage? to ask for it myself. Yet this is vital if I am to succeed in being more gentle with myself. All of these feelings stem from my lack of self worth. This belief that I am not worthy, I have carried this with me since childhood. Something I have worked on and improved upon, but it still is there lurking around, especially in these moments when I feel low and overwhelmed.

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Why do we find it so difficult to put ourselves first. How much learning have we really done if we do not know how to love and honour ourselves.

I keep writing about this, partially because I want to remind others, but also to remind myself. We all need reminding, especially because so many of us have been programmed to think we are being selfish if we put ourselves first. If we focus our attention on how we feel, and why we feel it. If we take the time to actually sit and acknowledge that we are sensitive, emotional beings. Why is it seen as a weakness to be emotional. You hear people say " oh she is very emotional" and they say it as though it is a negative thing. How can the act of truly acknowledging and owning your emotions be seen as a negative thing. How little we honour ourselves and others if we think like that.

In the end I did ask a friend to be with my girls, whilst I had a bath out under the stars. I sat immersed in warm water and switched off. My only light was the moon and the only noise was the insects , the wild animal calls and the occasional sound of the water lapping against the bath as I moved. It was bliss, 30 minutes of bliss.

As well as emerging feeling clean and refreshed, I also feel like I have shed some of my sorrow. As I pulled the plug, I imagined some of my sorrow being soaked up by the earth, just as the water was. Allowing the earth to ease my pain once more. Creating time for me to sit under the moon and the stars and to be still.

Because I am worth it.



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I’m so glad you took that time for yourself and gave someone else the opportunity to support you as well.

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Ah thank you @indigoocean, I hope you are well xx

I'm so glad you asked. I'm a lot more 'self-ish' these days.. meaning I need self TIME to recharge and I just insist on making that happen. Much harder in your situation... if you lived around here id pop over in an instant to mind your girls to give you space. That bath would have been bliss. Must fire up our out door bath this week!!!

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I am glad to hear that and I would love if you could just pop over here, one day eh xxx

That is such a lovely photo of you @trucklife-family. I am so glad you took that step and asked someone for a helping hand. I fall into those same traps myself and I know it is hard to shed all of that and allow ourselves to truly believe that we are worth it. You are worth it and you are right, we need to believe it for ourselves because how we see ourselves impacts those that love us most. You are doing an amazing job!

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thanks so much, we need these reminders, us mama's always just pushing through, I hope you have a you day soon xxx

Beautiful! I feel you sister. You are one powerful amazing mama and your girls are lucky. Every act of self care gives them a great example of how to put themselves first when they get older! Great job. And boy can I relate on many, many levels. Thank you 🙏🏻

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Thank you @consciousangel7, for your lovely words xx

Oh.. That's really nice post... I was bit low, when I stumbled upon this post .. I am learning mindfulness but still mind takes over every now & then... Thanks for the post...

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thank you @sibydaniel for dropping by and for connecting with me xx

Congratulations mama... for asking for help & for modelling healthy self care for your girls. It matters. Thank you for shining a light on those lack of self worth shadows, so they can be transformed. Keep going. One step, one bath, one alone walk in the woods or cup of tea.... 💚

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thank you @artemislives, you are doing a wonderful job xx

because I am not worth it

This sounds so familiar. I think we need be a be to put others before ourselves to a point, in order to stop ourselves becoming self centered, but we often struggle with that balance and go too far. Then we forget that if we don't also care for our own well-being, we can't care for those who need us.

I'm glad you got that time out for yourself. It sounds like a beautiful way to bathe and I hope it goes some way down the path of emotional healing.

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thank you, yes it is about balance and not feeling guilty when we do put ourselves first xx

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i'm so glad you were able to have some time to yourself. so so important as you say and much harder to do when we're already feeling low and tired. way to go truck life <3 wishing you strength and courage in the times when you must ask for support. i'm not great at asking for it either, but it's certainly something we must continue getting better at XO

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yes indeed, we all need to be reminded. It is always lovely to hear from you my friend, much love to you too xx