Peeling Away the Layers: Some Thoughts From a Privileged White Radical on Racism, Sexism, Colonialism, and More

Well, it's been another humdinger of a week. Seems like I thought the chaos was over, but not so much. I actually have several posts written and just sitting there waiting to be posted. I just haven't been able to do it. I guess it's a combo of things. My parents have been visiting, and I haven't seen them in a year and a half, so I've been trying to spend some time with them. Their presence also means a week of not worrying about things like money and food. It's also a week of good wine I can't usually afford. Of course the kids were with us the whole time, so I didn't get much kid free time. I'm also dealing with a bit of depression. I just don't wanna. And of course menopause is a hateful, evil bitch, and I'm occasionally violently angry, sobbing, blazing hot, and/or bleeding like a stuffed pig.

Me right this red hot minute with the worst fever blister I've ever had

But under all this is the real kicker. We've had a horrific murder mystery unfolding in our little paradise. I live in the tiny village of Hopkins, Belize. We have a population of around 2500. I have lived here for about six weeks, and I moved here from a smaller village just south of here. I really feel home here in a way I have not in any other place in a really long time, maybe ever. Like I could spend my life here. It's beautiful, and people here are so friendly.

Almost two weeks ago a woman from the US who has lived here a year or so went missing. Her kids, who she texted with daily, hadn't heard from her. Her car was gone, and her friends knew nothing. Everyone immediately started suspecting a guy who had been following her around trying to get her to go out with him, and I could just feel the rage boil up. This was around the time that crazy bastard from Colorado killed his wife and kids and that other woman was murdered for saying no. I was beyond the beyond with men and began crafting an “open letter to men” post in my head. After several days they found her car a couple hours away. No trace of her. It was looking grim, and most of us gave up hope at that point. A couple days later they found her body. She had been missing a week when they found her. Rumors were flying like flapjacks. Within a day or two, three arrests were made. We all assumed it was the guy from another village, but it was actually three teenage boys from this very village. They're 16, 18, and 19, and they murdered a woman a couple blocks from my house. Now even still I thought it was a robbery attempt gone wrong. Then they went to court where the boys told several of the victims’ friends that they'd be next until all Americans are gone from the village. The oldest told the 16 yo (seemingly the only one with any remorse) that he should hold his head high. So, yeah. My parents were still here at that point, so I was staying in a resort with 24 hour security. I still couldn't sleep. Wednesday night was my first night home. I kept both kids in the bed with me so I could watch them and had pretty much every light in the house on. I woke up probably 20 times and had a raging headache.

I think it's worth it to say here that I'm wildly passionate about racism. Even when people talk about killing the white devil, I don't get riled up or defensive. I get it. White people have fucked things up. Everywhere and for pretty much everyone. I understand why a lot of people, especially poc, hate cops. I understand people's frustration and even rage at the way things continue to be. I can only imagine how frustrating it is for poc to hear white people deny privilege. Even here, where white people are a stunningly small minority, they are given preferential treatment. Many of the white people who live here are still holding maddeningly racist beliefs. I've heard people say that the entire village is supportive of the gang activity. That's just stupid.

I see the ramifications of colonialism still unfolding right here and right now. A whole bunch of people from the US think it is perfectly acceptable to come here, buy land for pennies on the dollar, make crazy money in the tourism industry, not employ anyone from the village, complain about cultural customs (like all night drumming) and holidays, and then seem totally baffled when people don't like them.

And men sure as shit aren't off the hook just because this wasn't a stalker. Where are the men who need to be stepping up to support and encourage young boys so they don't end up in gangs? Why is fatherhood so fucking optional? And what kind of example are our leaders setting? Legalized robbery and murder seems to be a big chunk of the function of government.

If you can't tell, I'm frustrated. I'm overwhelmed. I just really felt in the last week the full weight of the world’s problems merge into this little microcosm. Colonialism, racism, capitalism, and sexism, oh my. Now I have to add to it that I'm now afraid for my life. I'll get over it. I always do, but living alone is still a bit new. I feel targeted, and every time I feel that way I remember that poc feel that way every time they get pulled over and maybe even every time they leave the house in a place like the US. It didn't help that my parents watched something like 8 hours of news every day. It's exhausting. No wonder everyone in the US is crazy. What a shit show. I'm actually realizing how profound that media piece is. That may deserve its own post.

I've gotten clearer recently about my mission in life to assist people through the paradigm shift, and I guess this is further clarifying, but I kinda want to get my land and house settled first. I just feel like I've gone from the fire to the frying pan.

In this situation I am clearly seeing how people's patterned responses are so typical and totally unhelpful. I see “us vs them” talk from people from the US. I see talk about martial law. Last night our village council instituted a 9:00 curfew for everyone under 18, so if the kids weren't resentful before... I see total unwillingness to look for the root. I see people trying to put a bandaid on a shotgun wound, and it's depressing. I also see things like prison rape jokes and talk of reverse racism with no effort at introspection.

We have to stop and try to understand what has led to this point where a 16 yo boy decided to rob and murder a 67 yo woman for a couple hundred bucks. That's madness. How bad does shit have to be to make that decision?! I'm thinking it has got to be pretty damn bad. How is racism, colonialism, and the absolute dog shit job we are doing of raising boys playing into this kind of crap? We are totally and completely failing our boys while simultaneously asking too little of them. We still tread lightly on the egos of boys and men, and mamas, we aren't doing anyone any favors when we do this. What can we do to ease and improve the situation enough to make it workable until we have totally and completely smashed the patriarchy and capitalism?

In our little village last night, we talked a lot about mentorship programs for youth and fun activities for youth, and I think it's a good start. I'd also like to see a move toward more worker cooperatives here. We need more training in entrepreneurship skills. Of course I'm still all about my anarchist commune too. The meeting went incredibly well, and it looked a little like a real, true democracy. It looked a little like unity. I was incredibly impressed with some of the youth who came forward to express their views and their needs so eloquently. It was healing, but I still couldn't sleep.

This is the shit I'm grappling with. It's taken me nearly a week to just get this far in organizing my thoughts. Thanks for humoring my ramblings. As always I love to know your thoughts.

Much love, y’all!

As always, all pics are mine or pixabay unless otherwise noted.

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