How to Help a Friend Through Divorce

I have shared that I am in the process of divorce, and it's quite an interesting thing. This is my second divorce. On top of those I had a partner for 7.5 years. I guess I'm what you would call a serial monogamist. There have been children involved in each of these three major break ups, and of course that always complicates things, doesn't it?

My parents divorced when I was five. My mother remarried a year later, and they are still married. My brother is divorced and remarried. In fact it's odd these days to meet someone who is still married to the first person they married. Of course that has its good and bad points, but it would seem to be pretty common.

So please explain how there's still so much judgement and stigma around it? It's weird. When my parents got divorced in 1980, it was already becoming pretty common, so this phenomenon is super baffling to me.

If you have a friend going through a divorce or thinking about divorce, I want to help you help them, especially if you have never divorced yourself. It doesn't have to be a legal divorce either. The breakup with my partner of 7.5 years was no less traumatic for me or my kids than the other two.

First things first. Think before you speak.

It's so easy in this situation to just spit out things you've heard a million times. Like a lot of other parts of our popular culture, most of that advice is less than helpful. It's wise to remember that almost everyone going through divorce is experiencing pain. Either it's been painful for a long time, and they're relieved to get out, or the actual separation is painful. Even if the person is thrilled to be done with it, like I am, it's sad. We committed to each other but can't get along. My kids have to live in two different houses. It's a bummer. So be careful what you say. Keep your opinions of their former partner to yourself. Avoid saying anything about how terrible divorce is for kids or how awful your divorce was or how your parents’ divorce destroyed you. And seriously just don't talk about what a shame it is that people give up so easily. Trust me when I tell you it's a very hard decision.

It bothers me pictures like this are what comes up when you search divorce. This is what I'm talking about. This does not make it easier!

For the love of all that's holy, please don't give any unasked for advice.

Just as a general rule, avoid doing this, but especially with people who are going through divorce. Don't talk about how you toughed it through your marriage through x, y, or z. Don't share shit you learned from Dr. Phil. Don't bemoan how easily people give up or whatever else you have in your head. Assume the people involved have given it a solid try. Assume there are things you don't know about - perhaps there was abuse or maybe they tried years of counseling. You don't know the depths of people's lives - even if they're your family. You don't know how they've struggled in their heart to get to this point. You have no idea how many tears they've cried. You also don't know how negatively the marriage is affecting the children. In my situation, I am certain it is better for my kids if we are separate. Don't, don't, don't suggest they get back together and try harder. Just don't. You make a hard thing harder.

Please, please don't offer to set them up with someone. That's called a rebound, and it very rarely goes well.

So, what can you do?

I've given you a lot of don’ts, but you want to do something helpful. I'm putting together a starter list, and I'd love it if people would add to it.

• Offer sympathy. Even for people glad to be divorcing, offering sympathy for what they have been through or are currently going through is appreciated.
• Check in regularly. Divorce can spawn depression, heavy drinking, destructive behaviors, etc.
• Offer help. Bring dinner, help with kids or cleaning, etc. In the best of circumstances, divorce is a huge transition. After my first two splits, I ended up being a full time single mom. I'm grateful their dad is willing to have them almost half time this go around, but I had almost zero help with the first two.
• Listen. One more time for the kids in the back row, don't give unasked for advice, but do offer to listen. They may need to vent. It may sound toxic or hateful, so be prepared to sit through that if you make this offer. Just let them speak.

Even in a mutually agreed upon, smooth divorce, it's emotionally and often physically taxing. This is one of those times in life you can step up and be a real friend to someone who really needs one. The world needs more love, y'all. Thank you for being a friend.