Hey Gorgeous! The Self Forgiveness Challenge
I'd like to firstly thank @solarsupermama for nominating me for this challenge. You can read her article here:
https://steemit.com/ecotrain/@solarsupermama/hey-gorgeous-the-self-forgiveness-challenge
This is a topic very close to my heart so I felt empowered and quite touched to be asked to contribute my thoughts.
Image creditThe ability to forgive comes from allowing ourselves to release feelings of resentment towards other people that have harmed or hurt us. Forgiveness allows us to put to bed the feelings associated with the hurt or harm that has been done to us. It doesn't mean that we have forgotten the incidents, nor does it mean we should allow those who caused us harm to remain part of our lives. What it does is allow us to move on, learn and grow from these events, helping us to make better choices should we ever be tested again in the future.
I guess to forgive ourselves is similar in that we let go of the crazy stuff we did or even the hang ups, the self- confidence issues, the hurt we caused other people that we now feel bad about. We take all these things. Acknowledge them on an imaginary piece of paper, scrunch it up and place into a metaphorical fire. Acceptance, release and new growth.
Self forgiveness has been defined as
“a willingness to abandon self–resentment in the face of one’s own acknowledged
objective wrong, while fostering compassion, generosity,
and love toward oneself”
So here's my compilation of all the things I have beat myself up about over the course of my life. Some I have already forgiven myself for, others I am still working on:
'Little Miss Sorry' was my nickname growing up. Practically everything I said, I would say sorry for as if my words and actions were not worthy of other people's attention. I laugh at this now but for a really long time I really thought I was useless at everything.
Image creditGrowing up I didn't like my dad. I didn't like his family (except my Nan and Gramps) . I was mean to him and rude. I was in my early 30's when I realized that this was down to my mother's insecurities, that would manifest themselves in the form of toxic behavior. My dad has always been there for me. Sure, he worked long hours but he would always find a way to spend time with me. Either taking me to a football match (soccer), his work and he was sure as hell the only one who came to watch me in my plays, and even flew almost 7,000 miles to watch me perform in the end of year play. Not just once, but twice. (I was at boarding school for the first one and the second one I stayed in Singapore to finish my diploma in Drama while my dad, mom and little brother moved to Germany for my dad's job.) I apologized to my dad 3 years ago for all the shit I put him through. I thanked him for his continued support even when I'd grown up and left home. I also wanted him to know how much I admire his 'side' of the family. They are all pretty inspiring people who have found happiness in their various successes.
So why did I still feel like crap? I forgave my mom for the way she projected that image of my dad onto me. Yet the one thing I hadn't done was forgive myself for the awful things I had said and done to my dad. Once I realized that I cannot undo the wrongs, I learned to allow that this was a period of my life I cannot change. I accepted that it was behind me and have now moved on. The one major thing I have learnt is to never speak bad things about my children's father in front of them, no matter what issues we may be going through.
I spent nearly 12 years in an emotionally abusive relationship with my daughters' father. It killed my already low confidence, I blamed myself for all of the things that were wrong in our relationship and I allowed him to do things to me and force me into situations that would be considered absurd by most people's standards. Sometimes I was perfect in his eyes, other times I wasn't worthy of even a cuddle. When I did what he wanted I was rewarded with affection for his benefit. I needed his permission to do almost anything, even getting a job had to be one that he approved of. I had to wear what he liked seeing me in and if I didn't have a full face of makeup and neat hair, I was letting myself go. I was ugly and he had an image to upkeep. Right now I feel as though I am speaking ill of him. There is much more to 12 years of hell but I'll spare you all from that as this is an article about forgiveness. Perhaps I'll write more in depth about it another time.
I forgave him about 5 years ago for the heap of crap he put me through. I forgive myself for believing him when put me down. I forgive myself for not leaving the relationship sooner, which may have saved my girls from the horrible things they went through. I forgive myself for thinking I had no other options. I forgive myself for not being strong enough to fight for my eldest daughter when he wanted custody of only her and not his youngest. I forgive myself for putting my girls through a horrendous breakup. I forgive myself for not standing up to him. I forgive myself for being open and honest with Social services and exposing my flaws, which ended up favoring him. Mr Fucking Perfect who can never do any wrong. (The image he tries to uphold). I forgive myself for letting him hurt me. I forgive myself for leaving my girls in his care whilst I sorted out my own issues. I forgive myself for being like him sometimes.
I forgive myself for all the times I yelled at my girls, for thinking I wasn't a good enough mother to all my children, for being angry at myself for not completing something on time, for only breastfeeding 2 of my children, for wanting to take time out for myself, for giving up on things because I was afraid that I would fail in the first instance and for being useless at multitasking. I forgive myself for questioning whether I am good enough at life and for feeling selfish for harboring thoughts of suicide when life was difficult.
I look at the world with kindness and treat others the way I wish to be treated. It's time to acknowledge that it's OK to treat myself with the respect I deserve too.
I release all these things that have bogged me down over the years.
I welcome the new challenges I face and will try to approach them with love, care and attention.
...Because as cheesy as that L'Oreal one liner is...
"I'm worth it"
And so are each and everyone of us!
I'd like to nominate @trucklife-family and @riverflows to carry on the conversation. <3
Quote Source: SELF–FORGIVENESS:
THE STEPCHILD OF FORGIVENESS RESEARCH
I am a passenger on the @ecotrain, a group of amazing people who regularly put out amazing content. If you haven't already had a look at some of the posts, I recommend checking them out.
Oh mama, you've been through so much. I genuinely hope you really and truly realize how powerful and amazing you are to have come through so much. So beautiful. I know how hard it is to forgive yourself particularly when someone hurts one of your children. I've been there, and that alone is overwhelming. Thanks so much for sharing so honestly and rawly.
Thank you so much for your kind words. Big love to you 💖💖
And big love right back to you!
Your post made me cry while I was reading it. Forgiveness is really powerful. I try my best not to carry any emotional baggage around that weighted me down.
Just like you, I had issues with my dad growing up. I hated being alone with him. We had nothing to talk about. He always worked long hours when I was growing up, so I never spent much time with him. Now that I am older, I can see that I was only seeing things from my eyes. I was too stupid and young to understand he had to work such long hours not because he wanted to, but because he needed to support us and he wanted to provide us with the things that he never had growing up. About eight years ago, my dad called me out of the blue to apologize for not being there for me. I apologized to him for being a shit head growing up. We forgave each other and ever since then, we have had the best relationship! I tell him everything and when I run into issues in life, he is the first one I call.
Forgiveness is what allows us to move on. Forgiving yourself is even more powerful. Thank you for sharing your story. It brought tears to my eyes.
Awww thank you. It is strange how our view of parents is so different when we are children. Partly because of outside influences and partly down to thinking differently than adults.
How beautiful that your dad called you to apologize and you apologizing to him. I bet he wasn't expecting that and he probably didn't even think you'd done anything wrong, just as you probably weren't aware that he was conscious of his long work hours and how much he sacrificed seeing his family in order to provide for them.
Yes forgiveness sure is a powerful thing :-) <3 xx