Are your assumptions holding you back? BreakThrough - The Path To Enlightenment part 8 of 9: Assume Nothing, Know Everything.
Did you already make an assumption about this post before you started reading this? When you read the words 'Know Everything', did that bring up a specific theme or idea for you? How many assumptions did you make just from the thumbnail and title, before you even started reading!?
Assuming The Worst In Others ᴴᴰ ┇ Assumptions
Making assumptions is a part of life. We learn to make many assumptions as we grow and gain life experience. We learn that people who look a certain way, and act a certain way may well be a threat. We learn to respond to each other, based on what we have learned, and this allows us to engage with life more efficiently. It would take ages to have a conversation with someone if you didn't make a lot of assumptions. Now, what happens when this it out of balance? What happens when our assumptions are wrong, and we didn't even know we had made them!? We often meet resistance and have conflicts because we have assumed something that is not true. In these situations there is a disconnect happening, and our assumptions have major consequences on our thinking, our actions, our perspective of the world and the people we meet. We cannot end our conflicts until we understand our assumptions. Being grounded in truth is a important part of being on the path to enlightenment, and that is why "Assume Nothing" is the penultimate post in this series.
Much of the misery that we suffer in life is due to personal conflicts and miscommunication. I see this happen so often due to wrong assumptions! If we want to have healthy interactions with others then we need to start being aware of the assumptions that we make, and notice how they effect our behaviour and choices. Many of the conflicts that I see originate from an assumption that was made, without too much thought or consideration, and that assumption changed the entire way that the whole situation looked, and resulted in a conflict. A simple example of this is assuming someone has time to talk with you, but they really don't, and so they don't give you the time that you need from them. As a result you get upset that they ignored you. Then the assumptions start, we start forming a story about the situation because we dont have any more information to go on. This is where things can get very twisted, and if we ONLY knew the truth about the situation we would end up with very different conclusions!
Here's an example of an an inner dialogue that could happen with a simple and common interaction. I will call it the A,B,C road to hell, and consists of a few assumptions that are totally wrong, and have significant consequences.
Joe and Sarah - the ABC path to hell
A "Why didn't Joe take the time to talk to me on the phone, he was pretty rude considering I explained it was important and he didn't even make 2 minutes for me.. he just cut me off and said he had to go, goodbye!"
B "Joe is probably just faking being really nice to everyone, just to be popular, i don't even think i like him actually"
C " I deserve to have friends who can make some time for me, this isn't a healthy friendship, Joe is a selfish asshole ..i think im going to stop talking to Joe from now on"
That is just one example, and quite a simple one. When we start to assume things we can really build up a false picture of events. Things can get very sour if the person gets angry about their assumptions and starts hitting out. This can really escalate when our assumptions are based on our projections and triggers. In this example, at point C Sarah has become upset because she feels Joe is selfish and wont make time for her. This is a theme for Sarah, because as a child her dad never made time for her and was always working. So what is happening here is that we pollute the situation with all of our other unresolved emotions, and as a result can get really upset and start making rash decisions. In this example, the simple reason for Joe's abruptness was that He just had his dog put down, and he was grieving his loss. He didn't want to explain that to Sarah, and didn't have any time or space to engage with her.
I see this type of thing happen all the time, especially where I live in a small community with people who speak very different languages and come from very different cultures! We have to take the time to ask, listen, and understand the situation for what it really is. There is rarely just one reason why people behave how they do, and the assumptions we make about them are rarely right. Everyone has their problems, and we all make mistakes! Therefore, if we are going to make ANY assumption about others before we interact with them, maybe it should be"
Joe and Sarah - The ABC to heaven
A "WOw, Joe just hung up on me! That's weird. . Maybe Joe is pushed for time, and has something going on. Why else would he cut me off so quickly?"
B "He's usually really nice to me, and others, i guess he's not OK right now"
C "I'll message him to ask him how he is and then call Sally for help afterwards instead."
It's night and day isn't it! As you can see, this isn't just about a short term change, or improvement. By understanding our assumptions, and own emotional background, we can totally change the major events in our lives. If you are someone who seems to get frustrated with other people, and find it hard make friendships work, this post might just be for you! To help us understand our assumptions I have created a simple exercise and is the Path To Enlightenment Initiation #8
Initiation #8 - Understanding Assumptions
In this exercise you are going to look at a personal example of a conflict that you have had with a friend or partner and see if you can find an assumption that you may have made that might have contributed to the conflict.
- Think of a challenging conflict that you have had, either past or present.
- Now think back to the very beginning of this conflict. The very first time that you felt upset with this person.
- What happened? Think very carefully about the conversation, or actions that happened. Try to remember the words that were actually used, and what caused this conflict from the outset.
- Now put that story down. Close your eyes, Take one deep slow breath, now Come back to the story like it is the first time it happened.
- Write down ANY assumptions that you MAY have made that could have contributed to this conflict. Even if you are not sure about it, just write down as many assumptions that you may have made.
- Keep repeating this for the same conflict. DO it as many times as you can, each time you may remember another small detail.
- You may surprise yourself. If you do please share it with us in the comments!
This can be a very powerful exercise if you find the gold. To be able to find the gold, we do have to be open and willing to playing a part in this conflict. We have to be willing to own some of it, and claim some responsibility for what happened. This can be a hard step for many, but it is the path to empowerment. When we can take responsibility for our assumptions and actions, we are able to admit our mistakes. A person who is aware of their assumptions, projections, and actions is someone who can have rich and deep relationships.
'Assume Nothing' is a simple mantra to repeat and remember. Remind yourself constantly to assume nothing. When you can feel a tension rising, and a conflict brewing, assume nothing. Be aware if you have assumed anything, and listen to your thoughts, and to your feelings. Are you being triggered? Have you somehow triggered them? Assume nothing, ask everything. This is the path to enlightenment!
Going Deeper
If this is interesting to you and you would like to delve a little deeper into it, please watch this video. It is POWERFUL stuff, and well worth the time. We are blessed with youtube, and sometimes we don't realise what gems we have available to us at the click of a button!
PLEASE SEE THE PREVIOUS 7 INITIATIONS LINKED BELOW
Initiation 1: What Is The Greatest Conspiracy Theory?
Initiation 2: The meaning of life and why are we really here! A Story of Enlightenment Trading Ethereum
Initiation 3: The Path To Enlightenment, Knowing Synchronicity
Initiation 4: The Path To Enlightenment, Who am I?
Initiation 5: The Path To Enlightenment, Put Apart The I
Initiation 6: The Path To Enlightenment, Why we need personal boundaries and how to create healthy ones
Initiation 7: 13 Ways To Live A Balanced Life - must read!
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It's a nice post. But to me it just is not that simple. Although it is good to keep a clear view on where we are just jumping to conclusions, based on older inner frustrations and fear, about interactions, it is also good to trust ones intuition and watch through the eye lashes of the wolf as Clarissa Pinkola Estes would say.
A lot in this world just isn't what it seems. We cannot trust that all mean well because many just don't. We also don't have to become sceptical but there is a balance to it. Besides that, there is something called intuition. I know, it's a scary feminine trait that no one knows a lot about and that is abracadabra to many and therefore dubbed unreliable. I don't think so. What I can see with eyes of the heart is more then what my physical eyes can see. So, I as a woman have to use my intuition many times to navigate between projections, (because the person in front of me has some issues with the theme at hand and has no awareness around it and feels that I am responsible for their needs), and what are actually genuine and clean expressions of desires and boundaries towards me, that leave me some space for decision. Many times I will not tell the other person that they were projecting but just keep it in mind so I won't feel as upset as I would when I would not have realised that they were. Non the less when I am not sure I give people the benefit of the doubt. And although that works out well when the person in front of me has good intentions, it has also caused me hurt when that wasn't the case. But I guess that is the risck for being willing to have an open heart and to learn.
i KNEW you would have something totally smart to say about this!
Thanks! So much appreciation in jut one day! :-) So it makes sense to you then?
I read in one of your other posts that you live in India. Fascinating. And I see you have initiated a rather courageous series of posts leading to enlightenment. Thats a great endeavor and a great idea. I hope it raises the level of consciousness of those who partake.
I've been consciously on the Path for about 10 years now and seem to making good headway. So grateful to find other like minded people here.
Recently attended the Global Gathering for Sai Maa, a devotee of Sai Baba. That was very uplifting. However, I do really resonate with Jack Kornfield, a Buddhist/Bodhisattva, who resides here in California. In particular I love his recent book: The Wise Heart. Anyway, I ramble.
As far as assumptions I've found that as Peace increases within my own heart I am less inclined to judge or make assumptions. I also remind myself to "Seek to understand" above all else. Ah, there is so much... I suppose what I do most of all is to see people for what they really are. Sacred souls on the path.
May you be blessed.
Lovely comment, Nice to meet you! [followed].. I am a devotee of sai baba also, and a Sai Maa Gathering sounds right up my street! I also know Jack, i used to read his work. THanks for reminding me of him, im going revisit it!
sai rAm!
Precious lesson to be learned here, even when not on the path, nobel price for best peace idea.
Nice! And happy to see your face!
Anticipation of course is an evil.assuming about the existence of 'Spirits of died people' while crossing graveyard can be a disastor to the person walking there alone..What he/she has to do there is look at the place of suspicion courageously!This attittude has to be adopted in every life situations.
I would like recite the poem in Tamil written by Thiruvalluvar some 2000 years ago
Read 'Epporul yaar yaar vaay ketpinum
Apporul meyporul kaanpatharivu
That means 'Don't believe the words you hear,investigate it and find the truth'.
Assumptions emerges mainly because of what we see or hear peripherally..Rationality is the only way out!
Very nice comment, thank you! Vannakam!
Great post and when I looked at the video I thought: I'm doing it right! Haha. No, not really of course, but I do tend to see the good in everyone and even with people who seem not to be trust worthy, I always try to remember that there is in fact good in everyone and that they must have their reasons for being or acting the way they are. It's in the same way that I always try to see a bad situation in a better light or even try to see the humour in it. Either way: every situation for me is a learning curve. The thing with 'never make assumptions' for me falls in a straight line with: never expect anything. It is even something I try to teach my kids. If you don't expect anything, you can never be disappointed. For the same reasons, I will never promise anything either. With kids it's quite easy to explain, because there can be plans made, like going to the swimming pool. The plans are on the table, everyone excited to go. But then the car has a flat tyre... And people get disappointed because they expected to go to the pool. BUT, if no one expected anything, there will be no disappointment and the event just is. I think it's the same with assumption. If you didn't assume we were going to the pool, there will never be a disappointment.
oh YES! being in the moment is the way.. life is SO much more enjoyable when we dont fight reality because of our expectations. Whenever we just GO with it, time moves at normal speed again, and often times other great things happen instead! WE just godda let go, be open, and take life with a pinch of salt.
<3
It is possible that a lack of patience and an openness to others might guide us to make negative assumptions. I think some people feel it is their way or the highway. They don’t appreciate others views.
yep, thats half the issue right there! we want the whole world to meet our way of seeing it!
Yes, it is very important to manage ones expectations. This is one of the understandings behind nonviolent communication also, the idea that most disagreements and suffering comes from inside our own heads.
This is a great series :-)
yep.. totally! NVC is for sure tied into this.. and thanks! nearing the end now!
yes...
i appreciate your post...you are a
good writer..
assumption is a hypothetical thinking which has another name "hypothesis"..
this is so important of our lifr..if we do this,we will take a well advantages in our topic...and gain more benefit
In modern life,assumption is a regular phenomenon of man's desire.so it must be nesessary..there have two dividation in it...and also disadvantages..but it keeps a good effort to our daily life..
thanks to share and upgrading of those awareness to know..
like you..
consummation of a writer..
@upvoted #resteem
Assumptions and expectations cause us stress in the long run. I agree with your theory and try to live that way. It’s easy to forget, but for the most part I manage to live that way.
well done! good for you! it shows in your art!
ooh by the way we've all moved to discord.. awaiting your arrival.. check your slack for the link!
Wrong assumptions about others, judging people incorrectly, is a sign of mental immaturity, I would say. Those people who make assumptions about others, without even knowing what the other person is going through, think themselves to be over-smart. Such people are toxic, and should be avoided.
Although I think also it is a sign of mental or emotional immaturity to make a lot of ungrounded assumptions, it happens a lot. I guess we as humans are not that mature emotionally at this time and age. I too make assumptions every now and then based on old hurts, don't you?