Wow you've been on quite a train ride all your life Alex! Having had to quell your emotions to such a degree for so long, merely to avoid the obvious consequences seems to me to equate to a very long time in a social prison.
My father passed away when I was ten, mother was abusive, then eventual (1st) wife was abusive. In both cases I put up with it because I was afraid to show my emotions for fears of retribution, including a rather pronounced fear of the dreaded "failed marriage". Now that it's over I can't imagine what the hell I was really afraid of. Er, yes I can...social programming!!
Anyway, I'm now married to the sweetest human I've ever known, she brings out the best in myself and my wonderful son, and at 60 I'm finally allowing my emotions to leak out...and it's awesome.
Thank you for this post Alex, it really put a bit more light onto my own life experience, and it's really comforting to feel I haven't necessarily been alone all this time.
Blessings,
-Logan