The Ultimate Selfie [Explicit Comedy]

in #dlive2 years ago


After watching Jim Norton's Mouthful of Shame stand up comedy special on Netflix, I got so excited I filmed my own 49 minute show filled with raw sexual humor and unforgettable stories that will leave you rolling on the floor laughing and/or praying to the porcelain god (vomiting in the toilet).

Thank you to the thousands of viewers and listeners enjoying the previous episodes at which gave me the courage to share this today with the hope you will find it funny and useful in feeling comfortable in your own skin. If I would have ever had the slightest idea 15 or 20 years ago that the behaviors I describe here in this video would be shared publicly, I certainly never would have done them which is the whole point of this. When we really want to change for the better, all we need to do is make a commitment to telling people about everything we do and have done which is exactly what I do here in this video by sharing several stories here for the first time that I used to be ashamed of.

With filming this video a week ago today, I spent seven days debating whether to even share this and also whether to promote it with voting bots. I am trusting you with this today because I LOVE hearing stories like what I share here. I am grateful for everyone that helped promote Jim Norton's comedy so that I found it on Netflix and therefore I am doing the same with mine. If you are willing to share at this level and want help growing online, will you join me at because I am available to help each of my partners to reach a wider audience and maintain self-sustaining businesses online?

If you would prefer to listen to this instead of watching the video, will you please enjoy this same episode on my podcast at or on iTunes at because you can then enjoy it on any mobile device easily on the go?

If after hearing my comedy you start remembering some of your own stories like this and would like to hear me share more of mine in a less vulgar way, will you please go to because my autobiography Speaker Meeting 2017 goes into much more depth about my struggles along with explaining how I gained freedom from them today all without the use of profanity?

Thank you very much for reading this and I hope you enjoy what I have shared here!


Jerry Banfield

Let's Stay Together?

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Our Most Important Votes on Steem are for Witness!

My video is at DLive


Jerry... delete this... don't do this to yourself or your family. I can't believe I'm seeing this... I can't believe I'm even saying this....

I agree. I hope he does too. I don't judge the guy at all. I think something is wrong right now and if anyone has a means, then a real hand of friendship and assistance would be good to hear about progress in that way. Maybe he just blew a fuse but if anyone takes pleasure in seeing that happening, it is those I have no respect for not the man writhing on the floor.

Looking at his eyes you can tell something is wrong. He needs help.

We're witnessing the "Kanyiffication" of steemits most love-hated witness. This strongly makes me question a lot about him / the character he portrays.... "Would you please" seems even more contrived. This Is either next level trolling or next level attention whoring at the expense of reputation / respect. Like is he going for a Doug Stanhope / Dane Cook vibe ? I'm so very confused.

My wife had a baby and is in the hospital, and I'm naked in the bathroom talking about my dick.
Jerry Banfield, Steem Witness 2018

For real!! I am utterly disgusted & immensely weirded out 😳🤢🤮

I honestly think he is having a breakdown... I'm serious too. I feel bad for the family to be honest.

I wholeheartedly agree - based on his comments about mass murder / suicide in the last bit of "comedy" he gave us I'm fearful of down downward this spiral will go.

I can´t watch the video ¿Did he made a porn?

No veas el video, sinceramente no vale la pena....

Vi treinta segundos y me aburrí y tan caro que están los megas de mi teléfono, nos lo iba a desperdiciar. preferí preguntar.

You do know you upvoted this post right?


you do know you take curation where you can right

fair enough

I guess you didn't like the video. I thought the video was interesting.

you are wrong that only dudes watch this past the 15 minute mark
just wanted to correct you on that :)

Thank you very much for letting me know that you watched past the 15 minute mark because in this case I am very happy to be wrong!


You are very welcome.... We are the ones in charge of our own Destinies! Here is a song, shout out to my peeps in DISCORD chatting this up :)

Upvoting because Blur rules.

upvoted cause they do rule

Blur is one of those bands in which you just can't listen to one song. "The Universal" is my personal favorite.

awesome band that's for sure, however today on steemit made me go.....

I ironically did put the lotion it its basket after a bit of a spa day :)

LOL! That's good that you put it in the basket or else you would have gotten the hose again :/

Love Love :)

post deleted

don't put in my thread, how crass....make your own thunder instead of riding my's hurts my feelings to see this platform used that way, boooooo oudekaas, this was me and @jerrybanfield chatting, this is not kosher

oh no prob dude. I delete it! Sorry need to figure out another way to get traction!

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Ironic Mystic is what life is all about.

I love that movie, thank you for making it relevant again!

"my own dick motivates me to be nice"
-- @jerrybanfield

yeah... that makes a lot of sense

I appreciate all the spirit of "openness" and "freedom-of-expression" ... but that dumb rant mixed with your flexing and self-righteous self-help nonsense shouldn't be trending at all...

what does that have to do with stand-up-comedy anyways?! Where's the joke... that was nothing but a creep fest...

I can only flag for a few cents... but hey... congrats for managing to not choke on your own cock anymore I guess?!?

🤣🤣 fuuuuuuck man you nailed it. It's cringe city - he's talking like this while his kids in the house and his wife is at the hospital having just gave birth..... Xenu help us.....


Woah, excellent observation.

It was all I could think of LOL

I truly hope that behind closed doors, ole Jerry isn't a Frank Booth . . .

Let's hope not LOL

Wait... removed the video? Seriously? I'm not a fan of censorship... and I know neither are any of you!

If you plan @jerrybanfield on sucking your own dick "live" on Dlive, do us all the favor and put it on [NSWF]- its the least we can do for the community here.

Did he end up actually sucking it or just talking about it ?

Did he end up actually sucking it or just talking about it ?

Not that we are aware. He said he would show his dick picture at a later date.

HEY, look I get it, he’s a witness here. It’s like he’s part of the “steemit government”, and it’s not what some might want to represent them, or whatever. BUT I saw this, and I saw a man be reborn. Shed a monkey off his back that’s been haunting him his entire life. Expose his truths to set himself free. Maybe he shouldve kept this to himself, I dont know, but I cant judge him. I barely know Jerry, We’ve spoken only once. But I see a stand up guy, who shed his shame and truly now loves himself. If by sharing this with the platform Jerry is going to sleep better at night, you guys shouldnt be bashing him, instead support him more. He had a problem that was hurting him, mentally and physically. Have some compassion. @jerrybanfield god bless you

Yogi, Stay blessed.

Agreed, it is like yoga, like therapy, and it is exploratory.

Flagged for disagreement on rewards and being creepy as hell, coming from witness 22. Although I don't care what people do on their own time, making a decision to represent Steem in this manner makes me sad and a bit sick.

Anyway, it has people talking

Agree, this was very awkward to watch

Video won't load :(

Consider yourself lucky🤣🤣👌

Less of an issue what he does in his own time and what he posts here but being a witness changes things a little bit , not sure how we should define dos/don't for the witnesses.

You got a 97.74% upvote from @postpromoter courtesy of @jerrybanfieldroi!

Want to promote your posts too? Check out the Steem Bot Tracker website for more info. If you would like to support the development of @postpromoter and the bot tracker please vote for @yabapmatt for witness!

Only because the bots are coming

They've already come.

Jesus 🤣🤣

I'd give Jerry a green gildo but Im afraid of what he would do with it.

@jerrybanfield made them cum come

Always wanted to meet Optimus. Does he still autograph?
that was bad, I apologise.

That's what im talking about

Someone said it before I could... What am I supposed to do with a vote if its majority is already purchased in full by one individual?

You'll be rich with all those bid bots coming in. Smart move.

Hopefully it cost him more than he gets back.

lol... it says a lot that people start coming up with excuses for upvoting this shit :P

holy attention suck

Yo man. If you need help, or someone to talk to, you can reach me on steem chat at the same user name.

Tommy Robinson talked about rape and was then imprisoned. #FreeTommy

Imprisoned for talking about doing it? That would kinda make sense to be honest.

it would to the thought police

Literal police are arresting meme makers.

What a truly messed up world we live in.

Hi Jerr Jerr,

If you believe in your ability as a comedian put your ass on the line and see how you stack up. Come enter #comedyopenmic. We have a no bid bots rule, but I'll ask the judges to score this anyway, and you can see how close you get to the Court Jester Prize.

I know you love a challenge...

I've heard people are true to themselves with their comedy there. @jerrybanfield should definitely try his luck out on there! Heck, anybody reading this should.

No judgements, only pure appreciation of comedy happens in #comedyopenmic. ♥️🙌💯

I've nominated and namecalled you out so many times Mr. Banfield, I really hope you would give this comedy thing a shot. It'll mean a lot to me and all my imaginary friends

I know there's no need for me to say it but I laughed at 'imaginary friends'.
No, that still doesn't mean I'm your friend

WTF is this?

Well you got my 100% flag Jerry.

I struggle to understand how you thought anything in that video was funny? I didn't even come close to laughing and I gave that video 30 minutes of my time. You're quite literally insane.

You are a terrible representative of Steemit and need to end your time as a witness. Stop promoting this platform, you're only damaging our reputation. Please quietly fuck right off.

Oh and an animal that has sex with itself in order to reproduce is a hermaphrodite. Not A-sexual....

Nope, a hermaphrodite is an animal with both genitalia, and uses them interchangeably, not with themselves. A-sexual means no sex at all to reproduce, which would indeed be closer to self-sex, if that was a thing, which it isn't

This is wrong on so many levels. It's not funny in the way it is supposed to be

I know.

It's like the time I went to Tiajuana. And we thought it would be fun, you know, to go to a show. Everybody says you gotta check out one of these shows. And... it's a woman fuckin' a horse. We get there and we think it's gonna be awesome and... it is not as cool as it sounds like it's gonna be. It's kinda gross.
You think "A woman fuckin' a horse" and you get there and... it's a woman fucking a horse.
It was really giving it to her. And you know what? To be honest I just felt bad for her, we all just felt bad for her.
I kinda felt bad for the horse!

Oh dude... that is all kinds of wrong. I don't think I could ever go to one of those shows. Maybe I'm a bit of a prude or some shit.

hahahahha im a comedian and um... i tell ya, THATS funny

MY FUCKING GOD!..... I can't stop watching ..... It's like a beautiful train wreck ....... A train full of puppies and kittens..... Its a bloodbath.......

As long as the cats and the kittens are not separated at the borders, right?


I'm actually stunned by the graphical content and secondly, that your daughter is in the other room whilst you talk to 100,000's of people about self pleasuring! It begs the question, what will your children think to this video when they discover it in years to come? I'd suggest that you get in touch with someone at Steemit inc and Dlive and get this deleted pronto. This content isn't going to do you any favours man! It will also be on the internet indefinitely. People will have already downloaded it thousands of times!
I wish you luck sorting that one out.

@darrenclaxton 👍✊️
Oh & please don’t think I watched this, seeing the thumbnail to the video, I am already scarred for life 🤮🤢

100.000's is pushing it. A few hundred at best, realistically.

The only thing worse is hypocrisy.

I think he is psychotic. Not kidding, but for real. He said in the beginning of the video that he just got his first child today? And then he goes into the bathrrom nude and starts talking for two hours about sucking and fucking each other and fuck like fags and cum in your own mouth.

I personally love edgy humor, and I didnt even find this edgy. It was more scary in the way it is not funny at all. The way Jerry doesnt even think its funny. He doesnt even smile. He just looks dark.

Damn this is scary

I agree. Something is wrong. It shows in his eyes. He needs help I think.

I agree. Something
Is wrong. It shows in his eyes.
He needs help I think.

                 - kafkanarchy84

I'm a bot. I detect haiku.

This TRUMPed up piece of shit thinks he's the next Steve Jobs, or mark zuckerberg. But while he dreams of his name on a tower, like all narcissists, he's really just a tiny scam artist with delusions of grandeur. I wish he would piss off to MINDS or something.

What is the Jerry Scam?

LOL I like you bro - always have. I also ask that question then I see, I am just talking to folks holding pitch forks, following another guy with a scam up his sleeve.. then I say. OK let me just watch and learn

indeed, one learns from every observation

We have removed our vote to @jerrybanfield . We support only good content on this platform and we thought you were doing wonderful work! However, seems like it was a marketing scam/marketing gimmick you always do via your youtube/dtube/dlive/steemit platform.

So we removed you from our witness support list. Thank you!


....also here for the curation like @grey580

made me laugh out loud

something to be said about just is how a lot of us are feeling, down to our very last one O.o
that one last fuck was given on the duck song ;) going to sit back have some sushi and wine and feel inclined to watch "The Disaster Artist" :)

I'll pray for you~

Surprised he doesn't burst into flames when he enters a church. Pray hard - he needs it.

Jerry, Get some help man! There are people who care for your well being (and your families)

Ok Sorry, Jerry but you lost our Witness Vote we can't Vote for this kind of Comedy as it is not really a comedy at all this is Vulgar and Senseless and Demoralized Garbage nobody wants to know about your sins that you have committed every day or in the past for that matter. People have enough problems of their own without having to listen to this senseless gibberish.

If you call this Comedy Jerry you have to look yourself in the Mirror and Ask yourself one thing is this the way you want people to see you in the public?

Seriously you have lost all our Support Please @Berniesanders remove us from the list of people that are voting for Jerry we are no longer Voting for Jerry.

All those that have decided to remove your Vote from Jerry please consider voting for a Steemit Witness that is run by an Autonomous Decentralized Society Acting Cooperatively to Leverage You. ADSactly supports people from all walks of life and all creeds and belief systems we are a nonbiased

I liked the police joke and your german is funny. WIR MACHEN SPAß JAWOLL!

What´s more creepy? @jerrybanfield uploading his talk about self-dicksucking skills or me actually watching this for 20 minutes?

Join me in my struggle with alcohol addiction

Do you seriously have an advertisement in your comment at the bottom?

I dunno Jerry; what mostly comes to mind here is that this is a good example of why some of us who've been doing social media for 20 years (as I believe you have — or close to it) keep "alt" accounts for certain types of posts.

Not disputing your right to post this; nor the humor; nor the fact that it represents part of "The Authenticity of Jerry Banfield;" just the wisdom of mixing it in with your overall presentation. It has a bit of the "pole dancing at Chuck E. Cheese's" vibe: Sure to get a reaction, but wildly inappropriate.

Just one person's opinion, mind you...

highly disturbing cleary you have lost the plot. Time to take a break?

Highly disturbing
Cleary you have lost the plot.
Time to take a break?

                 - britcoins

I'm a bot. I detect haiku.

really dude
the thumbnail is scary

Are you ok?

Delete your account @jerrybanfield

After watching 11 minutes of this video, all I see is a desperate man taking desperate measures. And not in the best sense either, this was a bad bad bad bad bad move on your part. You tagged this video under comedy, there was nothing remotely funny about this.
All I felt from this video was feeling uncomfortable, what on earth did you think you would achieve by posting such a video. Whilst I have not seen many of your posts for many months now, I would have thought you were a man of integrity, what every reputation you built for yourself well you might aswell kiss that goodbye.
I am so astounded by the upvotes people gave this video, there was no valuable content at all, nothing. Hell if I posted a video like this I would be called a creep and told to get off the platform.

Man, David Lynch ain't got nothing on this video. LMAO!

xoxox great "discussion" here..
quite weird
but those who never did drugs first cast a stone on him :-)
(as a respond to the guy telling "you need jesus"

porr idiot, give my dollars back and go to a doctor

you u enjoying both in u r bath and enjoying describing about fucking what?????

You are becoming in a bad example for our great community, we believe that we can change the system, what are you doing?, I am nothing here but I believe in this network, I used to not have food and thanks to Steemit I can eat, you have everything I mean everything, you were one of the first Steemians that I used to read but you are becoming into nothing.

so cool video . really awesome

Yeah... it really wasn't.

Well, this is the first time I will disagree with a whale on this platform. Mr Banfield, I don't find this funny by any stretch.

very funny video

pure gold

I'm scared...

That was really open and funny- gotta love your honesty. That guy wasn't totally into you, seems he didn't get your words. You should have gotten physical- some sweet talking, grab his cock out and suck it deep. Anyway thank you for taking my mind off the crushed red market. Remember to flash your cock in the next one....

Hello sir!
One of your followers from YouTube...
You're doing a great job..
Kerp helping and supporting us..
I'm waiting for your response..


Freedom to speak one’s mind can be dangerous for one’s health and peace of mind.

Hiri and Ottappa the Guardians Of The Mind

I HAD to start watching this because the comments. I NEEDED to know if they were right. You are that fired up about sucking your own dick while your wife is in the hospital having a baby. Let me give you some advise disconnect. Get off the internet. You are batshit crazy and going to destroy your own life.

I try not to agree with @berniesanders but damn when he is right he is right........ NOTHING funny about that shit.

You don't need bernie to tell you when something is wrong.

obviously. I would never want to be mistaken for one of his many sycophants. are you?

Hell no.

I didn't think so!


I want to thank all the Steemians for downvoting this trash and put ample description in the comments.

You have saved many from using eye bleach, ear rinse, and mouth wash.

.......truce smh.