MY NEMESIS: DEPRESSION 1

in #depression2 years ago

Depression is a bitch. She lies in wait in some dark recess of your mind. She knows that you are armoured against her, but she waits patiently for the moment that a chink appears, and then she pounces and puts her ugly claws in your back.

I have suffered from depression since my eighteenth year. Before that I was a normal teenager. Granted, my Sturm und Drang years were more intense than other teenagers'. My mother told me years later that I went to bed the one night, a sweet, malleable young girl. The next morning a stranger woke up in my bed. But those were "normal" teenage moods.

Although I take medication for depression, I still go through some really dark periods, usually triggered by something negative that happens in my life. The medication is the great stabilizer. I am not exactly bipolar, but I do get extreme highs and extreme lows. Highs are triggered by happy events, lows by sad events.

The most recent event was the passing of my mother-in-law some weeks ago. Before that dreadful news, I was cruising along just fine, thank you.

I have this way of trying to be strong for others. When my mom-in-law passed away, I stayed strong for my husband, for my dad-in-law, for my children. I was the practical one, helping with all the arrangements. I was the psychologist who listened. I was the shoulder to cry on...

Until directly after the funeral.

Then the wheels came off. I was plunged into darkness. A deep, dark nothingness with the texture of mud. I waded through the mud until my arms became weak and tired, and then I simply gave up.

I still functioned on the most basic level. I still travelled for work, and I still did my job and maintained the high quality of work that my clients have come to expect from me. For those few hours that I had to work, I shone. But back in my guest room in the evenings, I just passed out on my bed, my sleep riddled with nightmares, only to give a top performance again the next day.

For the rest of the time, I could not be bothered to wash my hair or get dressed for the day. I just sat in front of the television, bingeing on some series or another, while I felt how my very foundation is being whittled away from under me. My home became a shambles over which I had no control. I gave up on my hobbies. My creativity came to a standstill. No crochet project, no painting or other creativity. No steem, for goodness sake! I just wallowed in the mud, stuck on some basic level where I merely existed.

But on Sunday a ray of sunshine broke through. I am once again on my way to recovery.

With this little prologue, I invite you to share my journey of recovery. I would like to share with you the little things as they come back into the light. It is still only a tiny ray of light, but there is hope in my life again...

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Great to have you back, finding a way over that hurdle @minnaloushe

When life throws a curved ball, we have to learn how to deal with it, unfortunately only we can do it for ourselves.

Thanks for your kind words of encouragement, Joan. I had a good day, but right now I am tired beyond words. Trying to keep up to my goals - however simple they were - today was a trial. I plan to write about my day tomorrow, but we will see how it goes.

I am sorry to hear about your loss. I truly feel that you writing about your depression is a cure in itself, or at least a step towards a happier you. Thank you for sharing such a personal part of yourself, stories like this will give hope and courage to others who experience depression like you do. xx

Thank you, @sweetpea. Yes, I believe in the power of writing - not only for myself, but also as a form of socialising. I also hope to reach others. Thank you for your encouragement.

Fascinating how one can function at a high level for those responsibility we are "expected" to do...work...children activities...but as you say..."BAM"....total collapse when alone from the world...

This world rewards "strength"...yet I find the most courageous people are those who show their weaknesses...thank you for your courage...may the journey feel lighter today...

Thank you, @bobreedo. The journey becomes lighter with the help of encouraging words by people who care, like you.

Although I can't completely understand those highs and lows, I do experience them albeit much less intense. My wife, @jusipassetti will appreciate your post Even More than I do.

Thank you for sharing and I'm glad to hear you've managed to see a ray of light again.

Thanks for such a wonderful and heartfelt post. My thoughts are with you and I'll be checking in to make sure you stick around on the Steemit sphere.

May the good memories prevail with your mother in-law. Sorry to hear about your loss :(

Thank you so much, @therneau.

@minnaloushe depression is the absolute pits. I've been on the wave of ups and downs for most of my life. The downs are the worst and your words below describe the feeling exactly.

I waded through the mud until my arms became weak and tired, and then I simply gave up.

I'm also really good at being there for everyone else and then crashing afterwards. I can so relate to everything that you are describing above and feel you on all of it.

I'm very happy to hear that the sun started shining in your life again and that you are on the road out of the mud. Just keep at it and remember that as much as you are needed by others in your life there is nothing wrong with asking them to be there for you now that you need them.

Lots of love and blessings xxxx.

Ah, @jusipassetti, your words mean a lot. The fact that I am not alone with my plight, helps as well. Let us keep each other's arms strong. Thank you so much.

Guess what? I was only wondering where you had gone yesterday.

Thank you for writing this, Minna. I'm understanding a little more about depression from reading it.

I want to share your journey to recovery. I want to see your posts gradually lightening again.

I do that 'autopilot' cool behaviour sometimes, not because I'm battling depression, but because I disguise boredom.

Sometimes life is so boring that I do what David Bowie recommended... 'If the homework gets you down, chuck it on the fire and take the car downtown.'

I know it's nothing like you experience. I think it's great you have a ray to follow.

Thanks for this, Dee. You are actually a ray of sunshine in my universe anyway. Check out my little snowflake for your theme today. I have just finished and will be posting in the next five minutes. An ice cold snowflake on a sunny day... This was indeed going to be my little step forward for today!

Goodie :) I'm looking forward to seeing it :)

Depression kills making your goals unachieved...
There is nothing to be compared with happiness, peace of mind

Many, many goals have died along the roadside during my struggle. But I am ready to pick up, to carry on, to set some new goals. One day and one step at a time.