Depressed - Episode 1: Feeling good, feeling bad, the RollerCoaster.
I feel so damn good today.
I feel like I can do anything, the whole world is mine, the opportunities are right in front of me! I just have to grab them, then... The fall. Rock bottom again.
There are days like that, I wake up feeling really good, I go outside, just to feel the sun on my face, and I feel like it's the best feeling I can ever have. I sit on my patio, drinking the best cup of coffee I ever drank. The next hours, I'm so active, in less than 2 hours my whole appartment is completely clean and tidy, it all smells and looks so good... Then I go outside, I see my friends, I missed them so much! And when the dawn comes, I go to bed with a smile on my face, satisfied of my so damn good day.
Next "morning", 2pm, I wake up crying, without any reason. And when I take a look at myself in the mirror, all I can see is a useless piece of shit. Back to normal, I guess. I light up a cigarette, and let the ashes fall on the floor, don't care about it.
I need to go outside, make some errands. But I can't open the door. I just... I just can't. The phone rings, it's my mother. I let it ring till the end, and I don't even bother listening to the voicemail. Fuck it, I tell myself. Fuck everyone, everything. I'm just gonna sit on my chair, in front of my PC, and play videogames. But even this... Even this doesn't satisfies me. At this time, I'm just left staring at my computer screen, doing nothing. I forgot taking my meds.
And this pattern always repeats itself, like 10 days feeling dead inside, 2 days feeling way too much. By the time, I got scared of the "good days". Cause I know they wont last. I know I'll fall back again.
(P.S. Listen to this music. Grandson-Rock Bottom)
Hello @celtikrage,
I can relate to how you are feeling. The constant ups and downs, that rollercoaster of extremes, is very exhausting.
This is the beginning of a downward spiral, but because it is a beginning you need to know, you can break that cycle.
You do not have to be afraid of the good days, you can get more good days back.
I hope you find the courage to fight back and grasp your happiness again.
I wish you many, many, many good days! 😊
3 years now since I entered this spiral, I try my best to appreciate the good days, and stop thinking about the following fall, but, you know, anxiety and stuff...
I would really like to help you. I had to deal with depression for a total of about 15 years, different types and magnitudes.
Because of that I chose to make my blog here on steemit to help others with depression.
Please do not see this a self promoting, I really want to help and I hope you will read that I am genuine in my posts.
I am not that good with how steemit works with links, sorry. But if you go on my first post after my introduction post, it might help you. My second post on covid also has a daily routine example and why routines help.
I really hope something I wrote might help lessen your bad days and lighten your mood.
If you feel like talking, I will gladly be there and try to help you the best I can!
Have a good day today 😊
I'll take a look at you blog! But for now, I'm not really into routine, it kinda helps me, for now, to deliberately lack of sleep, doing crazy stuff with my hair, and making every action in order to create chaos around me... May sounds weird, or even self-destructive, but for now, that's the way I want to live. I decided to dive into my depression, in order to understand it better, and maybe fight it someday. But for now, I'll let my demons take control, and... Just write about it, I guess!