Depression is Like A Third Degree Burn.
Anthony Bourdain the world famous chef committing suicide really moved me and trust me not much does. I sobbed hot painful tears for half a day. The reason why? I have been battling depression for most of my life. The last six months I thought “if I just focus on my true purpose or my authentic “why” in life in my daily work then my depression will fade away or finally be cured.
Yet, here is a man that despite his demons did what he loved, made millions, earned respect, received recognition, had a beautiful wife, had all the financial resources to get professional help for his depression, and he still killed himself. That took the wind right out of my sails. If he committed suicide after everything he was able to accomplish...what chance do I have? He had a third degree burn.
Imagine you burn your entire hand. I am talking third degree burns all the way down to the bone where after you can't feel anything. It's all numb. Now imagine going about your life trying to “feel” that part of your hand every single day.
For me... joining the army at 17 to try to make a difference and probably for that rush of adrenaline. After three years you realize your friends are getting blown up for oil money and politics. It gets boring fast. Numb.
I know, i'll go back to school for international development. If I help people through aid work that will give me real purpose and a true “why” in my life. Nope still numb.
Travel! That feeling of happiness “normal” people get from seeing a beautiful flower or spending time with loved ones... I need to travel to northern India for six months to get the same level of happiness or excitement. 20+ countries later and I battle for every ounce of serotonin. Trust me I know travel does not solve any problems. It barely keeps me afloat. I am not running away from my problems I am fighting for feeling.
I am not sad. I am numb. Still no feeling.
You go out with all your friends...and you meet that bubbly person full of life and joy. You think to yourself “how the hell is that person so naturally happy” What drugs are they on? They almost feel like an alien. How the hell are they so happy for no reason? I secretly loathe them for their apparently silly levels of easily acquired happiness. I go through the motions and fake the smiles.
People say “just think positive!” or “you need to change your mindset.”
I must present an alternative example. If you broke your collarbone, and someone told you to go pick up that 20Kg box and move it to the garage. Crazy, completely irrational, and unsympathetic to their medical condition right? This is the very same as telling me to change my mindset, exercise, or think positive. The only difference is I can't call into work “sad”.
Love! Love is always the answer right? If I just put enough effort into my relationships I will be happy and fulfilled. 35 and three failed relationships later still nothing. I am sorry to the women I have dated for all my shit. You didn't deserve any of it. I need to love myself they tell me.
I throw myself into work for validation and some sort of feeling. Two tech companies later and all the promotions still nothing. I go through cycles seeking any kind of feeling at all. Being a workaholic just gives me ulcers and other issues. Numb.
At 35 your body starts shutting down. All those survival mechanisms, aarmor you have created, and just putting your head down pushing through no longer work. Wow. This is getting serious. What now?
Three different antidepressant medications, professional therapy, self help books, ayahuasca ceremonies, meditation, mushrooms, gratitude practice, and daily journaling….still numb.
I am not sad. I am numb, and just want to feel what you feel.
We can do anything if we put an effort ! thank you for sharing
A great analogy. Words are cheap. It's easy to say "just change your mindset" but the reality is our mindset (models we have constructed of the world) are not easy to change. There is a skill and an art to it.
As a professional meditation teacher I've worked with many men who've been through experiences of extreme stress (first responders, military etc). Some came to me and were not even able to finish a task unless they were in an highly demanding situation with a lot of stress hormones going around. Teaching them how to remove the stress from their bodies and then how to feel allowed them to function more effectively.
Best on your journey @brbgoingforawalk
I often also think of our society and how suicide rates have increased 30% since 1999. If you put a fox in a cage alone...it will go mad. Our society is broken and I feel someone like me is just not able to handle it. I am not broken...I am a result of poor social conditions.
Yes we are definitely deeply affected by the culture around us. In meditation terms this is one of the 3 avenues of "karma" that affects us. The first being our own karma and the second our family karma. Karma is basically another term for cause an effect. We are changed and affected through those 3 avenues.
Males in western culture have been getting a bashing for decades now and we are seeing the results of that with a growing disenfranchisement of males. Interestingly male suicide in the west is something like 4 times that of female suicide.
I personally don't buy into the society is broken idea but a lot of people do and they might be right. But I think society has always had it's issues and as we get older and wiser we see those issues. But they've always been there in one form or another. We were just benefiting from naivete when we were younger.
As for whether you can handle it - the answer is yes you can. You've made it this far. You were in the military. Dude, you can handle anything if you put your mind to it. The question is whether there is the will. This is where we need grit. Because yes you can handle it, but also yes it is REALLY tough. And that last bit cannot be emphasised enough.
And ultimately, we cannot affect or change society/the culture around us. Our impact is so minute. So what we have to do is bring the camera back on ourselves and ultimately take responsibility for our own experience. But this is tough. Very tough.
Obviously as a meditation teacher I recommend you look into that. But also I recommend you listen to some Jordan B Peterson videos. He's helped in a particular a lot of men get meaning back through his videos.
Thanks so much for sharing. Yes, I have a morning routine which includes 30 minutes meditation and journaling.
I still hold strong that we are living in a society that does not allow us to truly thrive. For example, if you used to be the town baker...and you made bad bread one week, everyone in the town would know. There was a connection between your work, pride, and your place in a community. Now what? People are social media managers or digital marketers for products they dont care about and are such a small cog in an abstract machine. My parents bought their first house at 22 with shitty blue collar jobs....and if they lost that job they could just get another one. I was 33 before paying off 50K in student loans.
The average home in Canada in 1.2 million dollars. I have zero chance even with a high stress job to afford a home in my own country. Retirement? good fucking like with contract work and this new economy. Its not anxiety and depression...its foxes in a cage.
I agree @brbgoingforawalk it's tough and it's getting tougher.
The true beneficiaries of student loans in the US are the colleges. I don't know what it's like in Canada but in Australia where I grew up we fortunately didn't have the same system. There is a loan in the form of a HECS debt but you only pay it off as a percentage of your income. So if you don't earn you don't pay, if you earn a lot you pay it off more quickly. The interest rate is inflation. This applies a natural cap whereas in the US the universities just keep raising tuition because people just keep indenturing themselves further. It's hard at 18 or 20 to really conceive of what a $50k or $100k loan will be like to pay off.
But it does keep them captive - foxes in a cage ;)
Having said that, I do believe that even the poorest amongst us now live better than the royalty of centuries past. Better conditions, better health, longer lives, cleaner, easier access to food, safer from violence as well as in the work place. We may not be any happier now but comparatively speaking, for the animals that we humans are, life is better. IMHO.
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