Dear Santa Claus,
Once again I find myself writing you on Christmas Eve, this year though it isn’t my fault. I had a letter ready to go to you back on Thursday and the Grinch over at Micorshit I meant Microsoft, decided to steal it out of my computer. I guess those bastards can make software but they can’t seem to write their own letter to you so they decided to steal mine.

So, if you haven’t seen it from them yet I know you will recognize that it was stolen from me when you do see it. Remember last year’s letter from me? The one where I told you knock it off with hot babes on the white sandy beaches?

Yes, that was mine. In that stolen letter I let you know that since you haven’t stopped that behavior, and the pictures are all over the internet again, you might want to hide the sharp knives and sleep with one eye open. My wife heard that the Mrs. Claus has been reading the story about how Lorena Bobbitt whacked her husband’s pecker off with a sharp knife back in the ‘80’s. Those hot babes aren’t going to have much use for you if you don’t have a toy for them to play with.

One good thing came about from them stealing my letter to you. The Daily Dose where I told the story of the theft got a Curie upVote on Sunday. That probably doesn’t mean jack crap to you, (Curie upVote), since you never did take me up on stopping by the Daily Dose after you finished up with last Christmas. You remember, I was going to introduce you around to some crypto experts so you could get in on all the good stuff happening with crypto currencies. Don’t even bother coming around my blog now; all those so called experts lost their asses last year in crypto and most can’t be found any longer on the steem blockchain.

When is the last time you have been to the doctor? No, I am not asking because of the STD’s I warned you about and that your wife would castrate you for if you brought those home. I am asking because I am concerned. The last two years I have had to eat the cookies and drink the big glass of milk I left out for you. The only thing I could figure out is the doctor has you on some kind of diet or something like that. Tell the doc you are supposed to be fat; it is a family tradition and job requirement. Ask him when the last time he ever examined a “jolly” skinny person, he never has because they can’t eat what they want or as much as they want in order to stay skinny.

You aren’t allergic to milk or peanuts are you? It just hit me that allergies are big thing right now. We don’t have soy milk or that almond milk so if you are lactose intolerant you are SOL here. I am not going to spend my money on that crap without hearing from you in advance. I can make sure that there are chocolate chip cookies though, I like the peanut butter cookies the best and since you haven’t been eating them (and I have had to do it) I put what I like on that Christmas plate.

Shortie is trying to convince me that you don’t exist and by you not eating the cookies and drinking the milk has started to make me wonder if you do. I know you have to exist and that the reindeer you have can fly otherwise how could the weather folks on the late local news track you on radar on Christmas Eve night?

The news folks wouldn’t lie to us would they? It’s not like they are a part of the government or have to worry if they told the truth about things or am I wrong on that?

Hey, I have to cut this short in case you are headed out early. When I told you to scrap the toy production last year and build letters to Santa mail boxes, I was dead serious. I noticed two additional Santa letter boxes in our area this year, one was at Lowes and the other was at Walmart so I guess you at least followed that advice.

Are those boxes in the stores because you are buying the gifts you deliver from them? I just need to know so that if I get something with a price tag left on it from one of those stores I can know it came from you, there have been a couple presents in the past you forgot to put the “To: and From:” sticky thing on them.

Also that way I can tell Shortie that she is wrong; you get a big volume discount right? I hope so, because I don’t know that Walmart has a senior citizen discount. I don’t know for sure if Lowes does either. I know Lowes has a “military” discount but that probably wouldn’t help you, we both know you are “lover” and not a fighter. That lover stuff is going to get you in trouble too, just watch and see.

I know I said I was gonna cut this short but I do have one more question and I would like an answer to it. This has been bothering me for quite a while and you are the man who would know. There are some people on the internet that folks are calling “flat earthers” , how crazy is that?

We all know the earth is big giant sphere of dirt, rock, and water spinning at 1,000 MPH while orbiting the sun because that is what we have been taught in school. These flat earther folks though are saying the earth is flat and stationary and they have been offering up some pretty “interesting” proof for their argument.

Santa, is it flat and stationary? The bible says stationary; but can we trust the bible?

I am guessing you might think I am flat earther now that I brought this up. I wouldn’t say I am but I would say that it has me wondering now though after I have looked at some of what they pointed out.

So you must fly your trip around the world heading into the 1,000 MPH spin, right?

That is the only way I could see you being able to make it all the way around the world in one night, even with all the different time zone changes I don’t think you could make if you were going the other direction. Hell, the passenger jets we fly in couldn’t even keep up with the 1,000 MPH spin of the earth now that I think about it; passenger jets only fly about 600 MPH. Your reindeer aren’t flying faster than our jets are they?

You don’t have to take the time tonight to answer all my questions, I know you are busy. Drop me an email at; [email protected] sometime next week or so when things slow down for you.

Have a safe and Merry Christmas,
Sult N Papper

PS: I’ll lock the big dog up so you don’t end up crapping your drawers when she would come at you. She doesn’t take kindly to strangers.

Note: Thanks for reading the Daily Dose. Be sure to check out this post by a good friend of mine, @lizelle, https://steemit.com/creativity/@lizelle/gifts-from-my-heart-gifts-from-my-kitchen-8-recycled-gift-packaging

Photo Credits : All photos are the property of @sultnpapper.