Children in puberty - what do they hate the father?

Peace, joy and pancakes? A happy family with loving parents and happy children? Add a pinch of humor, mutual understanding and shared vacations and weekend getaways? That's good, that sounds great. However, the puberty of this idyll can get in the way. So much so that the transfigured thoughts of the trusted happiness are not only disturbed, but can even turn into hate. Many fathers react with helplessness.

Gone is it with mutual understanding and the feeling of doing it differently than one's parents might have done when doors are slammed screaming. These are the plans, not to make the same mistakes that you succumbed yourself when the offspring emits adolescent hatred. Helplessness can develop a behavior that one would never have imagined as a father. Or it develops a powerlessness and the sad feeling of being incapable of action.

"You are not my friend!"

When the boy was still small, the girl still really cute, there it went. As a father, not only did you have the role of a parent, but often your friend's. Dodgy football games or games together in the nursery and harmonious holidays conveyed the feeling of something akin to friendship. But the older the children become, the more unrealistic it is to want to stick to this friendship. At a certain age, one is only a father. And beyond ancient. The offspring feel misunderstood and no longer see the big role model, but the disruptive factor when it comes to holding agreements, performing at school or helping in the household. You statement "You are not my friend!" And the aggressive looks behind it are a shock, which one must first process as a father. Not everyone has to go through this. But many fathers know such situations.

Never congratulate!

"You can talk to me, I'm your friend." This statement, especially after the offspring has completely failed, causes the exact opposite of what should be achieved. Adolescents in puberty need one thing above all: friends of their age. Being patted off the father's side not only does not get on well, but creates a strong defensive posture and retreat. Aggressiveness can be added. The recommendations of friends or family members to fathers who are in the pubertal conflict with the son or daughter, ranging from "Now just leave him alone" to "You just have to crack harder with your daughter." Both may well mean, but is difficult to implement in practice. Simply leaving the adolescent alone may mean that he or she is going further afield and may influence important developments without being aware of them. The "hard hand" is problematic for two reasons. On the one hand, it is usually difficult to apply it consistently, because one has often despised this very principle in one's own parents. On the other hand, this usually also creates a resistance, which holds further conflict potential in itself. The threat of punishment or prohibition is often difficult for young people to enforce, in case of doubt power struggles that only aggravate the situation. If one enforces the sanctions at (almost) any price, hatred is opened to hatred. If it does not succeed, you stand as a "wimp" and lose even the rest of control or respect.

Let's call him Paul

Paul is representative of many other fathers who wanted to do everything differently than their parents. And Paul has a daughter he just can not stand anymore. She does not take him seriously, grins provocatively at him when he wants or expects something and does not say anything at all.

Paul caught himself trying to say the sentence he actually detests: "As long as you keep your feet under my desk ..." He did not say it then, but he does not know what to do anymore. Quickly he was in a position to pronounce prohibitions on regimenting his daughter. But that was backfiring, the teenager responded with the statement: "Oh, forget it, you do not do anything anyway!" And she was even right with it. It just does not fit with Paul's style, he raised his daughter differently for years. Turning now to an authoritarian style does not work, but makes him unbelievable in front of his daughter.

And the solution?

It would be nice if there was a solution that works for every case. But that's not the way it is. It takes a lot of patience, a lot of reflectivity and ultimately a lot of love to survive the puberty, when it flows into such feelings. The truth lies between the miserable self-congratulation and the attempt to get a grip on the situation through rigor. In addition, a balance must be found between granting and intervening. Everything is not so easy, that's for sure. By the way, Paul's daughter has formulated the solution to her mother. She said, "I do not understand dad, he totally annoys. And you know, why? "She asked her mother. Of course, she wanted to know and heard her daughter say, "He's just kidding."