Pounded by the Estonian Crypto-trading Garden Gnome
For my first entry I’m going to share with you some pretty awesome news that just came out, and then a little sumthin' sumthin' it inspired me to write... It's edumacation and a big toe-sucking good time!
Here we go! First off, have you heard about the latest potential ICO? Estonia, a country, is thinking of raising money for itself by issuing a token called Estcoins. This is quite an interesting and forward-thinking concept. But why Estonia? Because it’s a fucking awesome country, that’s why! Did you know that in Estonia the internet is considered a basic human right? And that every single person’s health records are stored in the cloud so your information can be accessed instantly in the case of an emergency? No wonder that e-stonia is toying with the idea of tokens. This little factoid inspired me to write a little something entitled Pounded by the Estonian Crypto-Trading Garden Gnome. Yes, it's a mouthful, but so is he (har). And with Estonia's thriving tech scene, progressive outlook and somewhere within their ancient woodlands between sacred trees you may just find... the crypto-trader garden gnome.
Some say it's a strange thing to sexualize one’s feet. Especially a garden gnome’s.
But there exists a story of a young lady who, at the age of 28, was not quite sure when her fascination began, but it had certainly led her on a long and curious journey. It's not easy to find a real gnome. For one, they're not keen on today's technology. You won't find one on Tinder. So where do you find one? And how do you know if he's keen on foot worship?
Well let's think for a moment. What's one thing a gnome loves more than a good full pipe and his mum? Gardening!
Like the lovers of the earth and luscious soil, Sadie took to her nearest Home Depot. She stalked the aisles for a few days and her efforts turned up empty. But then it dawned on her: what self respecting gnome would subject themselves to the obscene florescent lighting and heavy chemical smells that plague the enormous warehouse chains? She quickly googled all the well established mom and pop gardening shops and whittled the results down to the few who have been around the longest. Her heart began racing as she read aloud the address of the shop which had remained:
Mum and Dildo Gnomby
140 Rolling Hill Way
Wiltfordshire PA, 15069
Sadie spritzed herself with her favorite perfume and hopped in her hooptie. She turned on her favorite jam - some Michael Bublé - and put the pedal to the medal. Two Starbucks’ iced soy lattes and one urine-filled plastic cup later, she had arrived at her destination! Oh, how she squirmed with anticipation.
With one foot in front of the other, she followed the meticulously groomed pathway, for nary a weed was to be found nor a stone out of place (much like her own hoo-ha), and began to smell a rather peculiar scent. It was a sweet smell, warm with cinnamon and fresh with citrus. Surrounded by luscious trees bearing fruits and flowers bowing to her presence, she had a really good feeling about what may come.
At the end of the pathway stood the entrance to the peculiar home business. It was a large, heavy wooden door made of thick cherry wood planks, each generously oiled. A few inches above the large brass door knob hung a hand made copper sign, which read:
‘Mum & Son
second to none’
Sadie pursed her lips. She was sure the sign meant that their pruning skills were top notch, but she couldn't help but wonder. Alas, she rapped her knuckles upon the door and listened intently for any movement inside. The large door creaked open and a little, very little old lady, whose pointy red hat stood as high as Sadie’s knee, greeted her.
“Hello, good morning! Good morning to you!” She said.
“Oh, hello! I'm sorry to bother you but what is that delicious smell? I was just driving by but could smell it all the way down the road.” She replied.
“Oh, my dear, just a few cakes now, just a few cakes! Come in, please do, very busy now. I'm very busy here, but please do come in.” The old lady shuffled back inside and began hanging tea towels.
“Good morning, dear, please be welcome,” she had a high, crackling voice but somehow stayed quite pleasant to Sadie’s ear. “Would you care for some tea, dear? Some tea perhaps. And a cake, yes? Oh, we’ve got such lovely cake.”
“Oh, yes, thank you very much.” Sadie was pleased with the woman's hospitality.
“Dildo!” The woman yelled. Sadie's eyes shot open, for what on earth would an old lady be yelling out dildo for -- and in front of a stranger? “Dildo, dear!”
“Yes, mum,” came a low voice from somewhere deeper inside the tunneled home. Dildo, Sadie wondered, surely that's not the poor guy’s name, right?
“Dildo, dear, we have a visitor. Stop diddling around on your computer and fetch the girl some cake and I'll put the kettle on.”
“Investing, mum. I'm investing in the future.”
"Yes, Dildo, investing in doggy coins."
"Dogecoin, mum! Gosh! And you know what, mummy? Next time people read this, ETH will be up 200% and I'll be a crypto millionaire."
The poor little man, she thought.
Even if Mama Gnome didn't give a left nut for cryptoballin', Dildo sure had his own crypto boner pushing out from his pants. So much that the little wanker had pushed a lemon tart off the table! Luckily the table was full of delicious tarts and pies. Gnomes were magnificent bakers, but the splattered citrus tart wasn't the only thing that whetted Sadie’s mouth. Dildo’s bare feet had been tempting her all the while, and small globs of sugary goo dripped from his long, bushy toe hairs. They were also impressively clean and well cared for, surprisingly large for a man the size of a little lawn ornament and excitingly animated: his toes wiggled gleefully with each bite of cake. The two went on chattering about what a lovely morning it was while Sadie squirmed in her seat. What long, suckable toes he has!
“Hello, dear?” Her high voice broke through Sadie’s deep thoughts. “Dear are you alright? Have you had enough cake, perhaps?”
“Oh, I'm so sorry.” She apologized for her mental absence. “Maybe I did have too much sugar.”
“Well best idea then, I say, best is to walk it off in the lovely garden, then. Very good idea. Fresh air for ye will only do good!” Mum tugged gently at Sadie’s pant leg and urged her out the door. It's quite possible she was afraid the young girl may let out some dreadful odor and muddle the scents of her fresh baked goods. “You too, Dildo. You make sure now the young dear doesn't get lost amongst the shrubbery.” A curious woman she certainly is, for only someone the height of a gnome would get lost there.
Dildo did not excel at small talk and therefore kept himself busy within the garden, but remained nearby the human, lest she get into trouble or step on his turnips. But she did not wander away, for it was him she wanted.
“So... you like gardening?” She asked.
“Right so, indeed.” He answered, inspecting his tools.
“I've got a basil plant at home. Well, I didn't grow it myself, but it's in a pot…” Dildo thrust the handle of a garden hoe into her hand, cutting off her dreadful idea of small talk. She inspected hoe, which was impressively clean, and thus quipped, “a dirty hoe is a happy hoe!”
He raised an eyebrow and responded, “Female human, hoes don't have feelings, they're merely tools.”
Dildo began pumping a small lever that stood out of the ground and unwound the hose from its stand, but when he opened the tap, no water gave way. “For this is the kinkiest hose I've ever had the displeasure of dealing with! Darn cheap garden hose!” He grumbled as he twist and turned the crumpled rubber.
“I’m kinkier than a cheap garden hose,” She snickered, running her hand up and down the hoe’s wooden handle. Dildo didn't catch on, but pursed his lips and mumbled under his breath, “Humans! They really are dumber than dogwart.”
As her delicious little morsel of a man struggled with the kinky hose, she noticed a few drops of water had escaped from the nozzle. An immediate rush of warmth filled her vagina. The lone droplets had wetted his perfectly groomed and brushed foot hair, mixing with the sugary lemon goo and matting it slightly to its thick, yet smooth skin.
She got down faster than a horny snowman in the Sahara desert, and focused intently on the beautiful sight before her. Sadie couldn't hold back any longer. She couldn't hold up the charade of actually enjoying gardening! What she wanted to enjoy was this little man’s enormous, thick-soled feet and hairy toes wiggling inside of her mouth!
Her hands wrapped around his bony ankles and felt the twists and turns of his dark leg hair. They seemed to beckon her down and guide her towards his toes; the hair growing softer, yet thicker. The hair which grew on his feet sat like a beloved bush, a luscious plant that grew from the most richest earth; a mound of pubic hair from a 70s porno flick carefully grafted to a 3-foot tall man’s 2-foot wide massive stomping feet. She nestled her nose into the shocked gnome’s foot-bush and inhaled deeply. This is for what her life was meant!
“Excuse me? Excuse me, miss, did you drop something?” Dildo stammered and tried his best to hide the bewilderment which rattled him. What woman in her best mind should be, or would want to be, sniffing a gnomes foot?!
“Oh, Dildo!” Sadie gasped between breaths, “it's your feet!” Equally confused and terrified, Dildo took a step backward, because, surely this woman had lost her mind.
Sadie’s primal urge refused to allow her life’s calling to escape her grip. Taking hold of his clean, pressed leather shorts (quite similar in appearance to lederhosen) she pulled the creature closer to her. She was on her knees, yet with his small stature it meant they were now eye to eye. Mouth to mouth.
With dear old mummy peeking out from the window, she wrapped her large humanoid arm behind the little man’s head and brought him to her wanting mouth. Enveloping his face within hers, she darted her eager tongue into his nervous yet kind mouth. He did not fight back, for he was only genuinely courteous and kind. She licked his teeth and tasted the remnants of lemon cake dusted with cinnamon. Drawing her tongue up the side of his close-shaven cheek until his sideburns tickled her lips, the gnome’s walls began to crumble. “Ohh,” a low moan escaped his tight mouth. His lusciously brown curling locks twirled effortlessly around her fingers. Sadie was intoxicated by this little man, but now she needed to know if what they say is true about men with big feet…
Does he have a big beefy salami?!
Mum was shocked as Sadie pressed her wanting body against his. Their scents mingled within the magical little gnome garden his mumsy and him worked so hard on throughout the years. Dildo felt the icy daggers which shot from her eyes, but he also knew their show would keep her from snooping around on his computer, where she would find his financial plan for an asian robot girlfriend...
Nevertheless, Dildo was beside himself. What human, what female human would do such a thing?! There must be hundreds, thousands of well proportioned human men out there falling over themselves for the slightest chance of squeezing just one of Sadie’s squishy, perfect breasts. (Sadie didn't know it, but gnomes loved breasts, and lucky for her she was blessed with an extra squishy set of 34DD; her pearly white skin had hypnotized him from the beginning!) As her extra large fun bags (which were actually larger than his head) rubbed and pressed themselves against his anxious and deprived body, he felt his member grow. Since Dildo had quite a small figure, Sadie felt the new presence immediately. And yes, now we know what they say about men with big feet!
Mummy rooted on as she watched her only son and sole heir to the business become enveloped in pure ecstasy. Sadie knew it was now or never, despite being amongst the innocent plants, despite being watched by his mum, despite being in plain sight where any garden-fancy lad or lass may meander… She tipped the straps of his suspenders over his shoulders; the weight of his leather shorts pulled themselves off his body and onto the earth with a thud. Dildo’s jaw dropped as he stood in disbelief. Never had he dreamt of a human female being remotely interested in him, nevertheless one taking him over! He watched as the silky blond head made way south, kissing and nuzzling the flesh and hair that peered out from between the buttons of his flannel shirt, which she carefully unbuttoned one by one.
Sadie’s senses buzzed as she inhaled his masculine scent. He smelled of musky, oiled wood, ancient spices and the faintest hint of Cheetos. She worked diligently at the tiny pearl buttons of his hand-printed, woven flannel shirt. Pushing her nose throughout his chest hair and working her fingers through the curls she exercised the tufts and burls as if to say, “You are fetterless; be free!”
Dildo grunted and squirmed as Sadie found knots within the forest of his chest. He watched helplessly as she made her way south to his growing member; her generous bazongas giving warmth and comfort as they rested on his tent below. “S-Sadie-” Dildo began, “There are still kinks in my hose I need to--”
“I've got enough kinks for you,” Sadie breathed into the thick curling forest that circled his belly button, “forget the hose!” Her trembling hands shot up his muscular, stocky legs and rested upon the two quivering mounds behind him. His member pulsated behind the hand-stitched knickers his old gran made for him. Throb, throb, throb, Sadie yearned for his undoubtedly virgin manhood.
The thick hair curled out from the knickers as she ventured south towards his nether region. The twirls of hair grabbed at her eyelashes; the silken ends teased her nostrils. The mound meant for a giant pushed eagerly against her throat.
“Your dick is growing like a weed!” She exclaimed, genuinely impressed.
“Please pardon me, I must take off my knickers before they rip at the seams.” Dildo was awfully worried about ruining his hand made undies, but Sadie took the task upon herself and before he knew it, they had been flung through the air, landing upon the brass door knob.
And there it hung. Slightly to the left, but ultimately a straight pointer with a nice creamy color. Dildo Shaggins’ erect, majestic gnome dick saluted Sadie with a keen and thoughtful eye. It stood proudly at a good 12-inches and along with its girth, undoubtedly not for the faint of heart. She cupped his gnome balls and struggled to fit the tip of his engorged member into her mouth. She slobbered his knob up and down and all around and worked her hands on his shaft, her fingers rippling over bulging veins. Dildo moaned and grunted and swirled into a cloud of ecstasy. He had never received head before, that is certain, but what's more peculiar is that he had never even successfully masturbated. So much blood had left his brain in efforts to fill his giant schlong, that he swiftly became light headed and fell backwards into a pile of good tilled earth.
Dildo awoke to Sadie’s kind face and blonde hair shining with the sun behind her. Her generous breasts heaved upon his chest. “Oh, oh good morning,” Dildo began, “sorry I had bit of a--”
Sadie pulled the top of her shirt down and let her bongos spill out. She massaged them on either side of his head as he blushed hard and his eyes rolled in opposite directions. He was slightly suffocating, but in the most loveliest of ways, so that made almost dying OK.
Dildo’s beef stick began poking and jabbing at Sadie’s stomach, eager for more attention. But what's a girl love more than a gnome’s enormous dick? His hairy feet! Oh, the glorious hair. Sadie caressed her fair skin along his plushy foot hair and smiled. She kissed each toe and licked each tuft of hair that sat upon them. Sucking hard, sucking gently; she caressed the high arches of his feet, nibbling at every curve and crevice. His feet smelled like earth. They smelled of life and long travels, of hard work and masculinity. No human man, no matter how tall, could have feet as large and noble as Dildo’s. She worshipped the skilled feet with her hands, her eyes, nose and mouth, but it wasn't enough for her.
“Take my breasts with your feet, Dildo!” She growled at him lowly, “take them and squeeze them with your toes!” Dildo did as ordered and worked her large breasts with his large feet and squished and squeezed their flesh between his toes like wet sand. “Oh, Dildo, your feet are so sexy!” Dildo began to wonder if all female humans were so strange and attracted to feet, when Sadie really threw him through a loop. “Fuck me, Dildo, fuck me with your feet.”
Sadie laid back onto the gnomes’ prized soil and spread her legs. Lifting her skirt, she revealed no underwear. Dildo stated between her legs, her hairless legs, and into a slightly agape peach-colored lovenest. The hairless fruit beckoned him as he inched a timid toe towards its beauty. He rubbed his big toe against her slit; each movement making the peach grow more moist. Sadie ached for him. Dildo slipped his big hairy toe deep into her vagina and moaned at the warmth, which traveled all the way up his body. “Oh, Dildo!” Sadie exclaimed, “more! I want more of your big hairy foot inside of me!”
Dildo toe-fucked her as he stroked his enormous member. He watched his toe enter and exit the ripest peach he had ever seen. Sadie rubbed her breasts and moaned, twirling in delight and ecstasy. Dildo, the ever so nimble gnome, had perched himself above her without missing a toe-fucking beat and replaced his foot with his throbbing dick. He wanted to feel what a smooth and beautiful female human felt like. He worked his engorged tip into her wet nest and shivered at the sudden warmth. He thrust himself in, forcing her to accept the hot beef injection, but only managed to enter a few inches. Sadie adjusted herself and opened her hips wider to accept him. Dildo worked his cockadoodle deeper and deeper into her delicious flesh; feeling her from all angles and watched as her giant bazooms jiggled and heaved. “Oh, Dildo, oh, Dildo!” Sadie moaned as she became dangerously close to the land of no return. Beads of sweat from the midday sun fell from his face and tickled her tatas. Dildo was working harder now than he ever did in the garden, for it took much power and concentration to work such a huge appendage when you're such a tiny person. Alas, his testicles tingled and shot signals up to his brain and down his thickening shaft; the tip of his beef became bulbous and full of tiny lightning bolts, throbbing all at once, but when he saw Sadie’s eyes roll back he, too, was not going to return. Dildo’s nutsack shot into his body as an undulating movement took over his enormous shaft; globs and globs of kept sperm were making their way towards the glorious exit!
“Dildo, oh my God, fuck me, fuck me you little garden gnome!” The walls of her poon locked down like a giant fist around his trapped member and throbbed rhythmically, her engorged clit danced and pulsated from the teasing of the thick curls of gnomish pubic hair. “I'm coming, Dildo, oh fuck me I'm coming!” Sadie screamed out for all the world to hear. Dildo met her screams with grunts and moans as the globs of sperm became forceful spits of hot jism splattering inside her; his thrusts became spastic helpless jerks as the last of his hot viscous gnome goo escaped him.
Mummy looked on as the two new interracial love birds panted and gasped for breath. It was a bittersweet moment for dear mumsy, as she came to realize she had just lost her beloved son to a human, but that he had also finally got his rocks off. She was tired of his crusty socks and endlessly "dry hands". She used to worry about him, but now she’ll only have to worry about a halfling running through the garden.
...And knitting a new pair of knickers.
Dear readers, I do hope you enjoyed my kinky, kooky tale! Writing is so, so fun for me and the idea of being supported to do so is a total dream for me. I would love to hear from you!