Everyone knows how much fun it is to be in the cult of Cthulhu, sharing a community, worshipping an ancient deity, sacrificing virgins at the weekends, it’s very easy to sing the praises of membership, but how does one broach the topic subtly. In this week’s membership E-Mag Whisper IN The Abyss, we hope to provide an array of methods for introducing the cult of Cthulhu in the workplace, that should prove both discrete and successful.

Introducing Cthulhu In the Workplace

As natural as it may feel to worship the Great Ones, the Elder Gods, not everyone thinks this way, and cult recruitment is a vital step in our ultimate domination. It may seem daunting to approach in the workplace, but we at Whisper IN The Abyss are here to equip you with the tools to have your entire office singing the rum-soaked shanties of the Great Dreamer.

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Where to Begin

It is a common misconception that Cthulhu is worshipped out of fear, therefore we recommend first addressing this. Spark a conversation about things you are afraid of, situations such as someone screaming at a spider or squirming at blood give you the perfect opportunity. As the conversation progresses, drop in phrases like, “I might be scared of spiders, but i’d never worship them because of it” or “you know what’s not scary, being in the cult of Cthulhu!” We would recommend following such statements with a wink, or a laugh, as such social gestures help create a sense of ease, making your statement more likely to be accepted and internalised. Mocking is catching, as the old saying going, and what starts as jokes, often becomes more serious. Light-hearted comments are a perfect way to get this ball rolling.

Familiarity

An easy way to get your coworkers familiar with the concept of Cthulhu is to use common religious explitatives, such as “By the Grace of His many tentacles”, “Dear Great Dreamer!!” or my personal favourite “Sweet Cthulhu son of Nug!” The more often you use these, the more your coworkers will subconsciously get used to the idea of Cthulhu as an accepted deity.

Wear Your Heart on Your Sleeve

If any of your coworkers wear or display any religious iconology in the workplace, this gives you the perfect excuse to do the same. Bring your Cthulhu Idol into work, place it in a bowl of water in the proper tradition of a water shrine. Wear your Necronomicon necklace outside your clothes, and allow your colleagues to observe you reach for it in times of stress. These motions comes with a set of connotations and assumptions, they are things people are use to seeing, and will normalise your beliefs. The association with respectable religion is not to be dismissed, as mislead as they may be, the great Cthulhu takes no objection to you using people’s weaknesses against them. Take note of the most prevalent religious practises in your workplace, integrate Cthulhu into these, and before you know it, you may find people copying your variation without knowing why!

Literature

Read Lovecraft at work, try and buy books with fantasy covers, or particularly old and faded ones - remember, you want prompt curiosity. Lend Lovecraft’s novels to your coworkers at every opportunity. If you have a communal room, start a book swap library, keep restocking it with works of the master. When making recommendations for books, movies, etc, always try and include one option that features the dark lord Cthulhu or a member of his family, Azatoth for example. Such works aren’t restricted to lovecraftian horror, and between the Great Old Ones, the Great Ones, the Outer Gods and the Elder Gods, there is a deity for everyone.

Know Your Gods

This brings us on to the next point, the cult of Cthulhu may venerate the Great Dreamer Cthulhu, but there are many deities within the vast universe that demand our attention. Just as catholics identify with their own choice of saints, encourage your coworkers to do the same with the many deities. Suggest games like which eldritch abomination are you, At the altar of which Great One should you worship and Which Elder God should you worship - I found the last two of these far more useful that the first, both advising I should join the legions of Nyarlathotep. Games such as this allow your coworkers to feel a sense of personal connection to the great cult. These quizzes always do a great job of parroting back the answers you put in, and will bring your coworkers a feeling of having found something that is unique and applicable to them

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You will find it is quite possible to establish a background acceptance of Cthulhu, and once you have done this, you may find yourself wondering, when do I tell coworkers I am in the cult of Cthulhu? Short answer, you don’t, you wait for them to ask you. Then comes the real question, how to get them to do that.

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Be The Example

Try and remain positive in the workplace, be happy, conversational, and affable, this will naturally let people wonder what makes you so happy, why does your life seem better than theirs? Remember, they wander lost, without the direction of Cthulhu, so play on this sense of insecurity by letting them see how your lord provides for you. When you are struggling, turn to your shrine, your pendant and remind yourself you are doing this to recruit for Cthulhu. This has the added bonus of letting them see your belief in action, and when they see you overcome adversity like this, they will begin to see value in what you have and ask about it.

Attractive People, Attract People

Attractiveness isn’t defined by your physical appearance, people are drawn to confidence, and the easy going nature that comes with being okay with yourself. Making the effort helps, but looking too polished is intimidating, there is an element of flaws helping you seem more relatable, thus making people more likely to empathise with your beliefs. When dressing for the office, you want to aim to look good, but coming across as friendly and approachable is just as effective. The most important thing is to seem considered, give time and thought to others perspectives, and present reasonable, thought out opinions. If people see you as someone who thinks things out, and considers all the facts, as well as someone who can change their mind when presented with evidence to the contrary, they will put more stock in your opinion. Establishing a baseline as someone who sounds things out fully before commiting, will make it easier for others to subsciousless accept that you doing something means it is okay for them to do it. The more someone looks up to you, the more they will try to emanate you, and your out of work activities, which must be okay to do if you’re doing them...

Conversational Tidbits

When your coworkers enquiry about your weekend, give them a vague impression of the latest cult activities. Don’t go in with, “I slaughtered a fourteen year old virgin in the name of the Old Great Ones” but something along the lines of. “I had an interesting weekend, bridging the gap between generations”. Instead of “I summoned the dark lord Cthulhu in the dream realm and there he directed me to do his bidding” consider “I completed a very enlightening mediation and really feel like I have a sense of direction.” It’s important to keep it vague to create an alluring sense of intrigue to pique curiosity. Humans are simple creatures, and once they are curious about something, the satisfaction of finding out more creates a sense of well being. As they slowly but surely put the pieces together this form an association between that sense of well being and understanding more about Cthulhu.

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If you follow these steps, people will ask you more. To begin with, it's important not the cut to the chase, keep them on the hook. “oh it's a religious pendant”, “it just helps me when I'm struggling”, “I’m a member of a social group” this combined with your explitatives will provide a basis familiarity with Cthulhu as a deity.

But Whisper IN The Abyss, I hear you say, I still haven't introduced them to the cult!

That's right, you haven't, so is it time anoint them in blood and pass them the ceremonial rum? Well not quite, the real key to introducing someone to any cult is timing. You will find you are best approaching your coworkers individually.

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As Cthulhu will arise from the depths of R'lyeh, so will the perfect moment.

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Wait For It

Start now, spend time with your coworkers one on one, get to know them, enquire about their life, their family, their general well being. Monitor the state of their affairs, if you have primed them for an introduction to the cult, Cthulhu will provide. Wait for misfortune to strike, and then, when your coworker turns to you, their confidante, a pillar of strength and reliability, then is the time to share your secret.

What Do I Say?

Simply tell them you are the member of an organisation that uses ancient practises to bring people guidance, and that it’s mostly social activities. Tailor your description to their personal predicament, tell someone in debt that people look out for each other, tell someone who’s recently divorced you are low of members of their gender, take the facts you have gained and use them to bait the hook. After all, all you have to do to get them is to attend a cult meeting, and Cthulhu will take it from there! What you said to get them there won’t matter once the great lord seeps into their mind.

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Discretely introducing the cult of Cthulhu in your workplace really isn’t as hard as it seems, and if you follow this simple guide, you will find that once the great dreamer rises, your entire company will be able to prosper under his great reign.

_{These techniques are not to be used for any purpose beyond furthering the goals of Cthulhu. Thank you for reading this month’s issue of Whisper IN The Abyss - answering a question submitted by member @f3nix. Please submit any questions for the next edition directly to @crowdmind}

I didn't mean for this to sound so serious... too many fascinating documentaries about the inner workings of cults thanks to @johngreenfield and you know, have got a cult in the works with @tristancarax so this just came together far too easily lol

This is an entry to @crowdmind's contest to answer the question posed by @f3nix - What is the best way to successfully (and discreetly) introduce the cult of Cthulhu to your workplace? - entries can come in any form, only just thought I could've written a story about this playing out, or poem about the perks of cult membership... can we enter more than once I wonder..? Check out all the entries under the tag #crowdofcthulhu or over on the main post, plenty of time left to enter this one so give it a go!

Photo Credit - The Unholy Worship, Gwabryel's artwork based on H. P. Lovecraft's story The Call of Cthulhu.

And a little coincidental Cthulhu summoning from my current trip to the Lakes to finish, might have helped if the tide was in...

But it's okay, the tentacle faced deity reached out when I climbed up the harbour wall!