What I want in life. Honestly, I'm not sure as that question is way more complex than it appears upon initial reading.

This seriously provoked a lot of thought and reminiscing. I suffer from PTSD and anxiety. When I was a boy I experienced things that could have totally destroyed me mentally and emotionally, but I kept striving and learned how to compartmentalize to endure.

With that being said, when I'm in a dire situation or a dangerous situation, I know how to remain calm. The building could be burning down and I'd be the one calmly helping others and making sure everyone was out safely with no regard to my own safety.

Yet, somehow, with that, I don't know how to be happy. In moments where other people are having fun, smiling, laughing...I just feel numb. I get so uncomfortable because things are going good. I'm waiting for something to happen.

I guess with that, I would love to learn how to really experience happiness. I have a family, I have what most consider a great career, but I literally just don't know how to be happy. There's never been a moment that I've felt it. So daily, I'm just sad, and trying to ensure everyone else's happiness because I just don't know how to experience it.

Smokey Robinson has a song, "Tears of a Clown". That could be my theme song I think. I can make others laugh, smile, feel safe...yet, when I'm alone, I'm lost in my thoughts of why I can't be happy.

Sorry for rambling...thanks for posting!