A mother's guilt -Constrained Writing Contest #23

It seems only a few days ago I was watching the happiness on her face, the beaming smile, the giggling sounds, the baby noises.
Then time went flying by and she was a teenager. Independent, yet somehow still needing me. But I found I was needing something else, something more. Something was getting the blood rushing through my head, a faint buzzing in my ear, a comradery was growing with people of a like mind, people of a like age, and she was seeing less of me.

Even so, we were still leaning on each other. Family. And though sometimes there were problems of stress and sadness, she’d be smiling.
Laughing and teasing each other over silly little things, I would often catch myself thinking of the wonderful feeling of having her with me. She was my reason for getting up every day.
Then suddenly our tough but loving life was shattered, bringing confusion and uncertainty.
We were losing our home and it was all my fault.

On the day I found out, knowing that she was coming home soon, to the place we were being turned out of, I went walking to the bus stop, thinking, almost crying, on the way to meeting her.
If we had been together she wouldn’t have minded a lot. Knowing we’d always be finding our way through together, but this time life was dealing us a terrible blow, my mistakes, my selfishness, they were catching up with me and against our will we were going our separate ways.

Then came the day we were leaving the place we’d now stopped calling home, I was walking, meeting her after work. As the bus was pulling slowly into the stop I saw that she was crying, tears, falling silently down her reddening cheeks. Walking back to the house silently we started getting our things. We were both crying, neither of us were speaking. There was nothing worth saying.

I was watching her, bursting with love and shame all at once as she was climbing into the taxi. Turning and looking at me she was smiling, trying hard, hiding the tears, then suddenly we were waving our goodbyes, unspoken heartache filling both of us. She was so uncertain of what was ahead for her. Where would she be living? Was she lodging? Was she looking for her own place? She was still a child. Would she keep moving or find a place to stay settling for her? Would she ever find reason to start smiling again?

Oh! How could I be causing so much hurt to someone I’ve spent a whole lifetime cherishing?

The night before, back at the house, she had been crying for two hours until at last she was sleeping, exhaustion taking over, disturbed and overtired. Things have not been coming easy to her over most of her life, but we’ve been getting by. Me because I was caring for her, her because she was relying on me and knowing she could. Now though I’m letting her down so badly. It’s hurting so much down deep inside.
To know she’s feeling lost, lonely and forsaken when together we could be riding the tide.

I’m feeling the lonely pain too as I’m sitting here in my one, dark, smelly hostel room, thinking - No! knowing that one day soon we’ll be together again.

If only I had l kept paying rent instead of playing bingo… for I am only now realising that having my daughter with me was the best thing I had and my addiction was ruining life for her, for both of us. Things will now be changing….

Based on a true story