Mating Season: Act 1

During an afternoon coffee meet, Noah reveals his latest dating options while Mikey educates Noah about the unofficial time of year that he is currently blind to and missing out on.

Noah

I want to take this girl out on a date but I have no idea what to do.

Mikey

What, you want dating advice now? C’mon dude, aren’t there books for that? Pick up a Dating for Dumbies audio tape or something.

Noah

Seriously Mikey, I’m lost. I’ve met this girl, I’m trying to figure out how or what to do next. What’s the next move? Sometimes these things feel so out of my realm, for some reason.

Mikey

Well, I’m no brain surgeon but picking up a phone is a good first step.

Noah

Smart ass, I’m serious, Mikey. What do I do? A restaurant? A movie? Those are my initial instincts but is that lame? Every other single celled species in this town does dinner and a movie.

Mikey

What’s wrong with dinner and a movie?

Noah

It’s just so predictable. Like a game show option. “Yea I’ll take a Romantic Comedy and Italian for a thousand.”

Mikey

Sushi, not Italian. Italian is too garlicey and women hate gluten.

Noah

(rolls his eyes)

The date scientist.

Mikey

Look, say what you want but don’t knock dinner and a movie. This is your standard first date 101 starter kit. It’s got everything you want without over committing to anything.

Noah

Yea I don’t understand that. When did dinner and a movie become standard operating procedure? When was the meeting where humans decided that food and cinema was the acceptable vessel to guide ourselves through the discomfort of somewhat getting to know someone in an attempt to figure out whether we may or may not want to have sex with them?

Mikey

Humans love food, some people find eating to be very erotic, in a subconscious kind of way.

Noah

Erotic? More like neurotic. There are so many variables. Is there something in my teeth? Did I order impressive things from the menu? Am I eating too fast? I wind up pacing myself so that I find the right equilibrium within the ratio of food consumption and conversation.

Mikey

You really are crazy, you know that, right?

Noah

What about something adventurous?

Mikey

Adventurous?

Noah

Yea there’s that acrobatic trapeze class you can take on the rooftop in Chelsea. Suggesting something like that might separate me from the herd a bit, you know.

Mikey

Yea I guess that’s an option. Dangling from a trapeze on a roof top could induce fear. Fear is an aphrodisiac, of sorts.

(He says unsure)

Noah

Fear is an aphrodisiac?

Mikey

Of sorts. There’s weirdos for anything. Though I think in this case, fear only works if you portray the confidence that the young damsel doesn’t posses, yet looks for in a suitable mate.

Noah

But then is that really me? If I suggest something like that, it looks like I’m trying too hard. Like I’m fishing for ideas through a first date handbook or something.

Mikey

That and you’re afraid of heights, so I don’t exactly see you being the hero in this story.

Noah

I’m not afraid of heights!

Mikey

I’ve seen you get nervous on a step stool.

Noah

It had a very unstable foundation!

Mikey

And now you want to dangle 7 stories in the air to impress a girl on a first date?

Noah

Maybe I’ll get lucky and have a heart attack, she’ll have to give me mouth to mouth. I’d say that’s kind of like a first kiss.

Mikey

They don’t give you mouth to mouth when you have a heart attack, dumb ass. They zap 10,000 volts into your chest. They give you mouth to mouth when you drown.

Noah

So maybe we should find a swimming pool?

Mikey

Noah, you can’t set the bar too high with these things. Remember, the first date is going to set the tone for all dates to follow. If you start off at 1000 rpms, you’re gonna blow your engine by the second date. And quite frankly your life is running on more of a golf cart motor, you don’t have many rpm’s to spare.

Noah

Hey hey, my engine may not be strong but its very fuel efficient! It’s not a sports car but it can make a lot of noise when necessary.

Mikey

Yea I’ve seen some noisey golf carts.

Noah

I really want to do something different. What about kayaking?

Mikey

You’re thinking about this way too much! You’re putting a lot of effort into possibly taking this girl out on a date involving activities that you’ve never partaken in.

Noah

I’ve partaken in plenty of activities!

Mikey

Have you ever even seen a kayak? What happens if this girl falls out accidentally? You’re going to save her? Mr. Hero?

Noah

They have life vests!

Mikey

You can’t even stand a shallow jacuzzi!

Noah

Alright alright already, there’s only so much degradation that I can take.

Mikey

Where’d you meet this girl anyways? Didn’t you get a vibe for each other when you met?

Noah

It’s hard to get her vibe. I met her online.

Mikey

Online?

Noah

Yea, you know one of those dating sites.

Mikey

A dating site?

Noah

Yea, you throw on a few photos, write a couple paragraphs about yourself, and it links you with people you like.

Mikey

I’m guessing your bio didn’t say “adventurer?”

Noah

No, smart ass. You’ve never used one of those sites?

Mikey

Does porn count?

Noah

No porn doesn’t count, its not porn!

Mikey

Then no.

Noah

This isn’t porn, you idiot. You actually communicate with someone. This girl is beautiful, you should see her. She’s got photos all over the world, in front of monuments, on top of mountains. I mean I’ve barely left the east village in the past 6 months, I can’t compete with that by being 100% truthful.

Mikey

Well, you clearly have nothing in common with this broad, why do you want to meet her so bad?

Noah

I don’t know- she’s beautiful, she’s different. We actually had a pretty nice exchange of messages. It’s just hard to gauge people’s full personalities online.

Mikey

What do you mean?

Noah

It’s like I have to interpret this girl’s personality through the veil of the internet. I mean she writes beautifully but some people’s personalities don’t translate well in person. Its like they have a written personality and a live personality. The two are completely separate beings. Throw in in a weird accent and it’s like they’re a completely different person.

Mikey

Well, maybe when you two get together, you can start off by just passing notes to each other, to ease into it. You can compliment her on her penmanship. Girls love that. (he laughs jokingly)

Noah

Mikey, seriously, what am I supposed to do with this girl? We’ve been talking for a while, now, if I don’t ask her out soon, I’ll lose my chance forever. It’s like you have a window of opportunity to ask a girl out. If that window passes, you end up dead in the black hole of the internet friend zone.

Mikey

Jesus Christ, stop thinking so much! You’re already freaking yourself out and you haven’t even met this girl. Internet friend zone? What the fuck is that? You’re making things up in your neurotic head. Just ask this girl out, already. If you don’t someone else will.

Noah

Someone else?

Mikey

Yea, someone else. If this girl is as cute as you say she is, there’s definitely someone else talking to her. The wolves are everywhere, bud.

Noah

My God.

Mikey

What, you think you have exclusive rights to her? It’s doesn’t work that way. Who else do you have?

Noah

Who else? There is no one else.

Mikey

Just one girl? One girl? You have the vast infinity that is The Internet and you’re only talking to one girl? You need to spread yourself out a little more. Think of it like a stock portfolio. You have to diversify. Have a couple of investments.

Noah

I don’t even know what a portfolio is, I barely have a credit card.

Mikey

I guess that means I’m picking up the check. Listen, push the pedal with this chick already, before the season passes you.

Noah

Season? What season? You’re going from stocks to climate change, I can’t follow your damn metaphors.

Mikey

What do you mean what season? Mating season

Noah

Mating season? What’s mating season?

Mikey

Whats mating season?! You literally just walk around this world like a blind man. Listen to me. Fall is here. The leaves are turning. It’s getting cold and the inevitable sense of the long, brutal freezing months are lingering before us. This is the time of year when everyone is looking for someone to stay warm next to and shack up with in the winter time. It’s basic animal instincts. Sexual hibernation. Bears do it alone, humans do it in pairs. Clothing optional, if I may add.

Noah

You’re making this up, this is another one of your cock eyed theories that only exist in the twisted world of Mikey. I’ve never heard of this.

Mikey

Well, it exists. And if you don’t hurry up and figure out how to ask a girl out on a date, someone is gonna take little miss adventurous from you for the next 6 months and you’re gonna be scrapping the bottom of the internet barrel for leftovers to get you through the winter. Everybody is already pairing up. In a month, you’ll be lucky if you can even get a date with the bucktooth girl that works the French fry machine at Shake Shack. She’ll be shacking up the head cashier, blowing her way through upper management while you’re still trying to figure out how to use the “send” button on your porno date site, or whatever it is.

Noah

My god, this actually kind of makes sense. Fuck, its mating season! How could I have not seen this? I gotta make a move!

Mikey

No shit Sherlock. What do you think I’ve been telling you? Make it, and make it soon.

Noah

What about you? What are you doing? Are you scrambling to find someone?

Mikey

Me? No, I have a few broads locked down to hold me over.

Noah

A few? I thought the idea was to find someone to shack up with? Key word being “one.” Sexual hibernation and all.

Mikey

Yea, I’m more of a nomadic hibernator. I work in cycles. Hibernate here, hibernate there, with this one, with that one. Some of these girls have some nice caves, and when you’re regularly exchanging naked bodily fluids it’s like you have a free ticket to use all their nice stuff.

Noah

You’re like Freud’s Animal Planet wet nightmare.

Mikey

Call it what you want. It’s sexual economics. My bank account is far from getting me to the next level of the socio-economic class structure. But my penis can give me the opportunity to at least check in and see what its all about. Sexual economics. Always fuck upwards, not downwards. Remember that. At your rate, your gonna be fucking laterally.

Noah

I think they call that a-sexual.

Mikey

You said it, not me.