Comedy Open Mic Round 9 : I'm British, therefore I need to stand in the rain for hours on end. Otherwise there's a danger I could become optimistic or even enthusiastic.

IMPORTANT MESSAGE:

Later this year I'm going away on a 3 month adventure holiday so I'm looking for someone who can pop round to my house once a week to collect the mail and water the plants. If you've got the time could you please let the kids out of the basement for a run as well. Unless it's too much trouble in which case meh.

(This picture is from Wikimedia. I don't know what it means either but it could be an important message from aliens)

Ever since I started entering the Comedy Open Mic competition I've been receiving a lot of requests. All of which are either physically impossible or potentially fatal. However I did receive one missive that wasn't a death threat. That's all the encouragement I need to inflict my ramblings on innocent members of the public once again. It came from a gentleman named Dick Fondler, who I think appeared as a witness in one of my numerous trials for Celebrity Home Invasion (a sport I'm proud to say I created). I could be wrong there though, as it may well be part of a statement used in evidence against me. I'm not going to reveal what Mr Dick Fondler wrote as it's entirely unconnected with the "answer" I've made up. All I'll say is that while I'm flattered, I'm not interested.

Before the Big Bang there was nothing. Not even time existed. If you find it hard to imagine what nothing, not even time, is like then think back. Think way back to the day before you were conceived. Remember what that was like? Well it was similar to that but even more boring. After the Big Bang, which was neither big nor a bang (Just goes to show that even though scientists are geniuses they are idiots), things became slightly more interesting.

At this point physics began to happen for quite a long time in the infant universe. Until it started making chemistry. Chemistry was far more interesting at first, but then the background level of interest peaked and normalized for the time (Which at this point had started a long time ago. Not yet as long ago as it is now (Not sure if that's imagination or medication but who cares). Time is a lot like history except it doesn't keeping repeating itself. Not until Karl Marx invents the time machine. Nobody knows how long it took for chemistry to get its shit together and start making biology. All we can be sure of is that it involved either a dog or a god depending on where you were born. I know, I find that hard to believe as well. Apparently where you are born in the world has a huge effect on which dog you follow. Has anybody told blind people this? I hope so because they could end up following the wrong dog. Then where would we be? They'd be at a strangers house I expect. Wandering around bumping into things that shouldn't be there.

Biology is where it becomes far more interesting than the already well established background level of interest. Biology is dirty and sexual because it involves life. Life wants to reproduce so badly that for untold reasons it did that with itself. Yeah that's right. Life got all sexual and freaky on its own. One minute an organism (That's not dirty it only sounds dirty when you say it out loud in a coffee shop) was doing sex things to itself. The next minute it was 2 or more organisms and they were both equally as sexy. At some point, no one can be certain when, life changed direction without warning. Knowing life it definitely didn't indicate either, leaving everyone else to guess where it was going next.

Then one day two, or more, organisms were getting all sexed up about themselves when they had the radical idea of maybe involving the other organisms in the dirty times. (I know life has only just started but it's already creating porn). Despite initial misgivings sex caught on for inexplicable reasons. I know it's hard to believe but there wasn't a lot else to do apart from sex and eating. Once life found out it didn't have to be faithful to itself true monogamy was finished. Now you could bang anyone you liked without guilt which wouldn't be invented for many millions of years yet.

Life was a lot simpler back then. The only thing it had to do was see something first. Then life could either ignore it, eat it or fuck it. Of course there was always the danger that it would eat you first. The blind, stupid and over amorous were swiftly removed from the gene pool. Of course as things progressed it became a lot more complicated. That's always the way with life. It's all about choices and environmental pressures. Some of life's organisms were smart enough to see a loophole. There was nothing to stop them fucking something then eating it. They were called females. Others worked out you could also eat something then fuck it or fuck something that you should have ignored. They were called males because they were ruled by their dicks. The linguistic explanation for which is lost in the mists of time until Doctor Who explains it.

Eventually all the females got together. They thought that possibly they were missing a trick here. Sure they got to have sexy fun times followed by a hearty meal, but they also had to take care of all the kids as single parents. Some of those kids were male which meant they were full on mental. Wasn't it about time the males took a tiny part of the load. This was the first of many splits some of which had already happened and been glossed over by me because I couldn't be bothered to list them. Just the cold hard facts of life here. If the truth hurts stick a band aid on it bitch. That's not a sexist bitch by the way. I wouldn't call a woman a bitch even if she was being a bitch. It's not even gender specific as an insult these days. It's aimed at all those bitches who know who they are.

So some of the females kept to the old ways having no wish to deal with males on even a semi-permanent basis. The others discussed what they could do. Letting the males live would help with child care but there were disadvantages. Fuck me there were shit loads of disadvantages. I'm not even going to be able to scratch the surface here so I'm hardly even going to try. Males were unable to discern whether to ignore, eat or fuck anything and they weren't that particular in which order they did or didn't do them. The females came to realize there was a solution. Males were ruled by their dicks. All the ladies had to do was control the dick. Once they controlled the dick they could use it to lead the males in the general direction of being right about something occasionally.

The system wasn't perfect obviously. They'd still keep sticking their dicks into things they should ignore or kill. Males were really good at killing to be sure, especially if their dick wasn't getting enough attention. It was a case of getting males to only kill things they and the females could eat, or each other. Males were not averse to this proposition once it had been explained to them in detail, leaving out most of the details. This is why language evolved. Initially the females had to teach the males what to do. Ignore and kill only took a few thousand generations as the stupidest of the males were removed from the gene pool. The fucking part is still being worked on which unfortunately leads to a lot of unnecessary killing. One day the males will catch on to the idea that not killing is a desirable quality.

I was being hopelessly over confident there though. Honestly there 's not a chance it's ever going to happen. Lock a man alone in a room with a pizza, a super computer and a big red button marked "Nuclear Death: Do not press." A few hours later he'll have downloaded all the porn on the internet, masturbated himself to a raw stump, eaten the pizza and fucked the box. Then it's only a matter of time before he presses that button because he just got bored and realized that if he pressed that button the whole world would be fucked, by him, and he'd be able to boast about that to all his male friends for decades.

Much as I hate to do it to anyone I don't loathe and despise to the point of long, lingering painful, death I should perhaps mention: Psychology, psychiatry, psychobabble and all other pseudo scientific shit involving head brain speakers. Basically it boils down to putting psych in front of any other root word you can think of. Sometimes there's also an O in there. For example psychotherapy. Then all you have to do is claim it's a science and suddenly people are paying over huge wads of cash for fuck all in return. A man known only as Sigmund Fraud became very bored one day. He was hopeless at fighting/killing, had more than enough to eat and a dick that was far larger than his brain's capacity to think (which is almost 3 inches if you stretch it a bit). So he invented penis envy, a fictional psychiatric malaise that really only ever inhabited the male consciousness. Women already had more than enough pricks in their lives.

Fraud's dick was so full of itself he couldn't conceive of anyone not being envious of it. He knew that if he projected that at men they'd kick seven colors of shit out of him. So he projected it at women. The poor things had missed out one vital fact in their efforts to train men. This being the fact anything with a dick could be an even bigger dick than it is possible to imagine. You cannot even get a computer simulation to project how big a dick a man can become in a very short space of time. For a long while females were so bewildered they made the catastrophic mistake of allowing men to control things. "What the fuck has he done now?" was now the question that filled their minds to the exclusion of all else.

It was once theorized, by a man who made Fraud look like a fucking genius, that women's brains were completely different to men's brains. This is not the case. It's simply that women use their brains for things that would never occur to men. They use theirs for thinking about things (A talent they often over use) rather than as a means to pump blood to the penis, whenever it's the most inappropriate time possible. It all stems from the first male to crawl from the evolutionary slime who farted, so he laughed. Evolution played another of her cruel tricks on half of humanity by weeding out those men who having been led around by their dicks were dumb enough to use their appendage to explore the environment. These rapidly disappeared from the gene pool, again for inexplicable reasons.

Thus a type of male evolved who, although still ruled by the dick, had evolved to use other things to investigate the crap his curiosity highlighted for immediate attention. That's why you can't take a man anywhere for very long before he fucks things up. Which pretty much sums up all the Psych stuff from the dawn of time. You'll find hundreds of thick books with millions more words in them. You should definitely ignore them. You won't learn anything from them that isn't in my comprehensive precise. The only thing I've missed out is the Metrosexual Man. Which is kind of in the psychobabble category but also sociology and fingerpaintology. You put ology on the end of anything and it's a science.

One day women woke up from their slumber. They'd been so preoccupied trying to make dicks do something constructive they'd lost the plot. The females rose up demanding equality. Which may very well happen, but I doubt it. Humanity isn't designed for it. Somebody has to be oppressed. You need a scapegoat to blame for your own inadequacies. How will we all know who to victimize if everybody is equal? Everyone needs to insult someone, even if it's only by existing. Men were initially really good for heavy lifting and dicking about with things best left undicked about with. The males eventually invented machines which were better at both. Suddenly being able to punch your partner in the face, for their own good obviously, was no longer valued by society. With slightly more power women changed the world radically. Soft skills like talking became necessary. Listening to women swiftly became compulsory. Therefore men pretended to listen, because their penises ordered them to.

Some of them actually heard a few things, women said, by accident. What they heard was that women wanted men who washed themselves regularly and could pretend to have emotions (That wasn't what the women had said but it was pretty close in the sense of being entirely wrong). Thus the Metrosexual Man was born. I think the gays had some input here because women like them a lot. The Metrosexual Man definitely isn't gay he's just realized that if he acts a bit gay his dick will get more attention. Now that it was no longer the case that he could point at his enormous rocket then proudly claim his rightful share of female adoration. Leading to sexy fun times. Women wanted caring, thoughtful men who weren't only interested in them for sexual purposes, food preparation and light housework. They'd wanted equality as well lol. So they shouldn't have been surprised by the evolution of the Metrosexual, or that near permanent feeling of disappointment (you'll get used to it ladies it just takes time). The Metrosexual can fake emotions and a depth it doesn't possess so effectively you could almost mistake it for being human. I'll have to stop there because Metrosexuality is annoying me almost as much as my next door neighbors curtains do.

Now I'm going to move away from the factual scientification stuff and onto the more personal experiences. Which is the only reason I wrote all of the above. That's how well my real agenda has been hidden inside a false agenda. Granted there are some tenuous connections between my latest psychotic episode and what is to follow but I assure you that is entirely accidental. You see I'm a serial monogamist. I've been a serial monogamist for a very long time. The problem with serial monogamy is that now I've reached the point where I suddenly get this vivid sensation of deja vu. At first it's very disorientating. Then I suddenly realize I genuinely have had exactly this same argument before. It's literally word for word a repeat performance of an event etched into my memory long ago. It's just that I've only now noticed it, because the setting was entirely different as is the woman I am now having the same argument with. The problem I have with this is, that having had this disturbing memory unearthed from my subconscious, two things pop into my head almost simultaneously. The first, by a nanosecond, is "Fuck! I'm going to lose yet again". The second, and by far the most terrifying is "Maybe she's actually right".

I would like to nominate @lexiconical and @bigram13 for the next round.