Comedy Open Mic Round 45 (Entry #2) : OVER THE SILVER SKY TO THE WORLD OF NEVER : Part 120 - If I Told You To Stick Your Hand In A Blender, Would You Do It?

That lying bastard Pengelly. He said there was nothing down here except her cabin. Neglecting to mention Jake would have to pass through the crew's quarters. The layout was different than before surely? There hadn't been a sick bay when last he saw the ship. It was a variable geometry thing. They'd put it in when they left Harrowmist. The boatswain was also off the hook. Other than the bunks there wasn't much down this end. Apart from her cabin. There was still the suspicion Pengelly had been deliberately misleading. It would never stand up in court. He'd claim it was accurate. There was a food dispenser. Jake swayed over to it. Leaning his head against the cool surface. Right now he didn't care what flavor those nutrition bars were. He needed one now. It thunked from the slot. Jake bit into it. Hermes would find some use for the packaging. It did scratch his throat a lot.

Fluids! He needed more fluids. A pouch fell out. A couple more of those bars would be needed. Make that three. Attempting to be as inconspicuous as possible he scoffed them down. Lubricating every mouthful with a swig. His kidney's were functioning. The liver was regenerating. Both of his lungs were back. Memories returned. A few of them that hadn't been there before. He'd visited with Ursella, to ask her where to find Sharon. What she'd said had opened up some of those locked off bits. One of those bits told him things weren't right. Stuff had happened that shouldn't have happened. Much of the stuff that was happening was happening in the wrong order. Angelique hadn't manifested. Why was that? The only logical explanation being he wasn't there. The only way he could not be there had to be due to some defect in time. He had to find Angelique in order to find out where he was/should be.

A lot of people were looking at him. Most did so surreptitiously. The rest were openly gawking at him. Fetu didn't bother to hide his interest. It was hard to read that countenance. The list of expressions was small. Basically on standby, looking at Sade or seeing a nice ax he didn't already have in his collection. The ax and Sade looks were very similar. Hold on. Pengelly, Daisy and Ursella had followed him.

"Is there anybody sailing this blood ship?" Jake asked. Scanning the faces of the watchers. No answers forthcoming. No matter how ill advised it was, he was going to make a speech. "I'm going to see the Captain. Many of you, including myself, don't expect me to survive. If I don't come back I'd like to thank you all. I can't though. It would be disingenuous at best. Most of you at one point or another have tried to kill me. That's it really. You are a lousy set of bastards, no offense." Why were they laughing? "Nothing about that was intentionally humorous. You've no idea what that woman is capable of... You have a very good idea of what she's capable of. That's why you're laughing. I take back everything good I said about you."

He'd got that off his chest. Jake felt better for it. That this might be due to Hermes' repair work could be dismissed. Sure he felt better than he'd felt in days. That could only be down to finally telling them what he thought of them. It was time to poke that grizzly bear. In her den. Which was filled with instruments of death. She'd listen to reason. No she wouldn't. Neither would he if the circumstances were reversed. All those clues she'd intentionally dropped. That he'd ignored or simply filed away as something to look into at a future date. He knocked softly at Scarlet's door. She'd heard that. The delay was her intentionally drawing this out. Jake knocked again. A lot harder this time. The door flew open before he'd finished.

"I told you. It's over. We are finished. Before we've even started this time."
"Look I'm sorry. The deck got shuffled by events. I love you Scarlet. I love you more than life itself. Tell me what I have to do to make up for this and I'll do it." He pleaded.
"You'll have to do a lot better than that, you selfish prick."
The door slammed in his face. She was good at that. As he raised his hand to knock again, the door opened. She grabbed his head pulling him into a searing kiss. Shoved him away. The slap she delivered must have made the ship flinch. As his recoiling head moved back onto his neck Scarlet kissed him again. Pushed him away and slammed the door. His hand went up to feel his lips.
"Oh my God she's prefect." His bemused brain mused.
The door opened again. She grabbed him pulling Jake inside. Scarlet began striping as she strode to her bed.
"Don't be getting the wrong idea. This is just angry sex. It doesn't mean anything. It's purely physical. It means nothing to me."
Already mostly naked. Jake moved towards her.
"I'm not sure I'm comfortable with being used like that. Didn't Daisy say you needed to get some rest?"
Scarlet began to unbutton his shirt.
"She did. That's why you'll be doing all the work."
He joined in with the disrobing. If he resisted it would only inflame her.
"Still not sure about you using me for pleasure."
"There won't be any pleasure. I'm angry. All I'm doing is scratching that itch."

Some sex happened. He was too weak to resist. Even weaker afterwards. Sex happened again. In it's aftermath he lay catching his breath.
"Right. Get out." She was holding his clothes and jerking her head towards the door.
Jake got up.
"Why." he asked.
"Oh there's several hundred reasons. How about you sleeping with one of my best friends?"
"What? You told me to."
"If I told you to stick your hand in a blender, would you do it?"
"That depends. You can be very persuasive. You've had sex with other men. How is that different?"
"It just is. I waited a long time for you to turn up before I even considered another man. I was only gone five minutes and you were humping Morag. Right in front of my face."
"What do you call a long time?"
"That's none of your business. It was a lot longer than you lasted. Which reminds me, you were barely adequate."
"But we did it twice?"
"Yeah. I couldn't believe how bad you were the first time. Now get out. I'm not telling you again."
She threw his things at him. Escorted Jake to the door, before slamming it behind him. He stood there, naked. There was quite a good audience.
"I ask again. Is anybody sailing this frigging ship? Sorry to disappoint you by surviving. Not to worry though, she still hates me."
"No I don't!" Scarlet yelled from behind him. "You don't even register anymore. Now bugger off. I'm trying to get some sleep."
"You heard her you lot. Nothing more to see. Get back to your work." Jake shooed the onlookers away
"No. That only applies to you. They can stay where they are. They care about me. You obviously don't. You only came here for sex and when you'd got what you wanted, you left immediately. You didn't even say thanks or goodbye."
The door banged shut before he could defend himself.
"It wasn't really like that I assure you. She had an itch, I scratched it. Now I'm going to gather up what little dignity I have left, before going to my cabin. Is it still there?"

It was still there. That was something at least. Once he'd showered and dressed Jake decided to take a walk on the deck. See what was happening up there. Christ he had to find something to do. Otherwise this was going to be a very long voyage. Once on deck he found that there were a few of the crew there. Somebody was sailing the ship after all. The other ships were visible in the distance. Hard to miss the Crystal Dragon or the big manned kite flying from it. It didn't have its sails up. They were headed into the wind which entailed the other ships tacking back and forth. How the hell could that ship move without sails or engines? Technology didn't always work out here. What fix had they come up with? Nobody to ask up here. Nobody he trusted that is. He could do with asking Sade or Morag. On second thoughts he'd avoid both of them. There was no way of knowing if Scarlet was serious about him boning Morag. Fetu and Pengelly were probably doing what they should have been doing while they were hanging around near the captain's cabin.

Something struck him. Something that could be very important. He hurried towards the hatch to below decks. Almost colliding with Morag. She smiled at him, in a way that indicated word had got around about his recovery and subsequent activities. Was Scarlet putting out bait? He wouldn't put it past her. No time for that now. They were only passing. What harm could it do talking to her? Huge harm obviously. Especially if Scarlet found out and decided to make it an issue. He'd cross that bridge later.

"Has anyone seen our Nerd's recently?"
The engineer considered that, still smiling at him.
"Not since the day before we left Harrowmist in a hurry. Why do you... Oh shit."
They started rushing together.
"We might have a problem then."
"You don't say." Morag riposted ironically. "We might have lost Poppy. She could have been wiped from existence."
"There's also the question of that text translation. We're 2 months into the voyage with no frigging idea where we're headed or why."
"So screw Poppy then?"
"No. That was my first thought. I like her. Even if she did shoot me. If she's not here though we're all screwed. Her close links to Norbert will have unpredictable effects. On him and us. Oh bollocks."
Scarlet was standing in the passageway. Her eyebrow arched and with that expression on her face that indicated something bad might happen.
"What's up Halliday? Where are you rushing to? With Morag to. After my critique of your bed skills were you seeking a second opinion?"
She'd been saving that one up. That was the type of twisted, wonderful woman she was.
"We forgot about the nerds." Morag advised.
That got her moving.
"This is all your fault. You dumb shit."
Jake almost stopped. They carried on so he had to catch up to deliver his reply.
"Really? You're going to hold saving everybody's lives against me?"
"Damn right I am. You could have killed yourself. You should have killed yourself."
They'd arrived. The three of them looked at one another.
"Sooooo. Who's going to open it?" Jake asked the question no one else was willing to ask. "We ran all the way down here, which would indicate a degree of urgency. That suddenly seems to be lacking."
"I don't want to." Scarlet declared.
"Me neither." Morag added. "She was really lovely."
"I know." The Captain agreed. "If you've killed her Halliday, I will never forgive you."
"Oh fine then. I'll open the frigging door then, shall I." He spun the wheel. "Nobody gives a shit about me though." He mumbled. "I was the first one to even think about them."
"Yes, because we were too busy pissing about with you." Scarlet retorted angrily. Her tone softening."I don't even want to look."
He pushed the door open.
"Now you are really getting on my tits Norbert. I have not touched anything. I have not recalibrated or adjusted anything. I have.... Oh hi. Sorry about this."
Poppy stood there in her dungarees. It was very warm. Owing to the heat pouring out of the only tech working on the ship right now. That could explain why her boobs were on full display. The top was down and she showed no signs of putting it up. Not bad either. Jake gave her a grin.
"I'd cover those up if I were you Poppy. Otherwise he'll be all over you like a rutting dog. Ask Morag. He can barely keep it in his pants."
Poppy covered up instantly. That was a shame. No it wasn't. What was he thinking about?
"Ignore her." He advised. "It's all part of something you don't need to know about. What seems to be the problem with Norbert?"
Poppy stomped over to her workbench. Outside the nerd hut but inside the fold space hold.
"He's been driving me mad for two days now. More than two days. Paranoid freak. Wouldn't let me out. Thinks someone is messing with his equipment. Chance would be a fine thing. I'm wasting my time with him. I thought I'd be out seeing The Never, but no. I'm stuck down here babysitting that insecure twat. Let me know when we're leaving port. I'd love to see that."
"I'm sorry Poppy." Her commander apologized. "We left in a hurry two days ago. There wasn't any time to tell you."
"Yeah. It's all my fault." He interjected pointedly. "I'm the one to blame. It's all that rutting. I can't help it. I'm a slave to my sexual urges. Every 8 to 10 years or so. The rest of the time I'm fine..."
"Shut up Halliday. You're embarrassing yourself and Poppy. Sorry again. I promise that as soon as we're anywhere near land I'll let you know so you can take a good long look. Why is Norbert in a state?"
Poppy busied herself with scrubbing something mechanical.
"It's okay. I'm used to being constantly disappointed. I don't understand a lot of it. He's a genius. Fantastic mind. When it's pointing in the right direction. The system is producing far too much data. The output devices can barely cope with it. We went with hard copy you see. So that it could be taken out of here and not instantly become useless. He's almost buried under the printouts now. Poor little lamb. He's not used to anything that bulky."
"I might have an explanation. We traveled through time two days ago. We're now two months into the future." Scarlet confessed.
"Impossible." Norbert announced from the doorway to his hermitage, his head in a heap of printout. "The amount of energy you'd require would be colossal. Even then you'd be restricted to going backwards in time. That would only be temporary. A few days. Maybe up to a week. Not a lot more than that. If you didn't get out of that bubble you created, you'd be in trouble when it closed." He jumped when he realized that there were others present. Norbert's face blushed deep red. "I'm sorry ladies. Whoa this place is big." He swayed as he took in the surroundings.
The Captain was grinning.
"Look at that. Can I pick a nerd or what? We really could have done with your help a couple of days ago you know. Instead we had to rely on concupiscent moron. Look it up." She challenged Jake.
"I know what it means. So does everybody else here. When are you going to let that go?"
"Never! Excuse me Norbert and Poppy. Please don't be alarmed. We almost had an incident, but it turned out to be fine in the end. Somebody dropped the ball." She glared at Jake. He huffed. "We forgot about two very important members of the crew. That will not happen again. I am appointing Halliday as Nerd Liaison Officer from this point on. He will check up on you at least four times a day. If you need anything and I mean anything, he will fetch it for you. Even if it's a roll of toilet paper. Given that Norbert is hardly likely to exit either his hut or the hold it is his duty to escort Poppy around the ship. In addition to being her guide and protector, he will instruct Poppy on the correct use of weapons. Do you understand Halliday?"
"Aye, aye Captain. Understood." He saluted resentfully.
"Don't let him lure you into any dark corners Poppy. He'll have you pinned to a wall first chance he gets."
"Do you really think that's being constructive?" He objected forcefully.
"No, but if it prevents one person from having to suffer through your pathetic fumbling's it's worth it."
"Finished?"
"I haven't even started Halliday. This is going to be a very long trip as far as you're concerned."

I would like to nominate @angiemitchell and @clmstudios for the next round.