Comedy Open Mic Round 39 : OVER THE SILVER SKY TO THE WORLD OF NEVER : Part 73 - You're Creating False Dichotomies.

This dear readers is the Wombat. A marsupial mammal native to Australia. The first curious fact about wombats is that their pouches, where they nurse their young, face backwards. Thus the little kiddy gets a good close up view of its mothers ass 24/7. Wombats are burrowing animals so the design ensures that the pouch doesn't fill up with soil. The second curious fact is that wombats shit cubes. That's right they actually shit bricks. They do this all over the place then build piles with them to mark territory and attract mates. It's almost human isn't it. Who among us hasn't attracted a mate by producing a huge pile of shit, then kept it going long enough until they're trapped and emotionally dependent on you? With cubic crap the towers they build are much easier to create and can be made much bigger. Their shit never rolls away. Anyway some Australian sciencetists (Isn't that an oxymoron?), have discovered how the wombat does this. The last 8% of their digestive tract has unusual elasticity and this shapes their poo into cubes. It is through leaps forward like this, produced by actual sciencetists in real countries that exist outside the imagination of deranged drunks (I'm not saying Australia doesn't exist I'm saying I need more proof), that science has thrust us forward into the future. Yes progress is propelled by shit, prove me wrong if you can. Who knows what new avenues this knowledge will open up, apart from the lower digestive tract of the wombat? It's conceivable that twenty years from now you won't ever have to buy a house. You'll be able to construct it out of your own shit. Windows and doors will be a problem. As will the lingering smell of shit, so my advice would be to get out the Glade before you invite that special person back for coffee.

(The copyright for this image is the property of EPA.)

Being excluded from the council of war, made up of Crazy Daisy and Grundel Spagthorpe, was only mildly disappointing to Jake. His input of nebulous threats towards Jean-Pierre had been noted already. What more could he add? Therefore he didn't especially mind having to spend time with Pip. Besides, there had been several things niggling away at him. One of which he could now bring up. It had been only a minor irritant he could ignore until the revelation that Hermes had more data about the past than the Consensus did. The thing that had been niggling him was that anything they'd mentioned with any detail about the past was limited to two or three hundred years ago. The answer to this conundrum was pretty brutal. When the human rebels had started lobbing asteroids at major population centers, their aim had been pretty good. The city domes, which were actually spheres, consisted of a high energy barrier which spun randomly at several thousand revs and were self repairing. Even they'd had problems with coping with 100 megaton blasts. Internal damage had been caused. In order to preserve life and the Consensus itself they'd sacrificed data storage. Millions of terabytes of it being vaporized to avoid catastrophic destruction.

While they'd had backups these had also been compromised by the ensuing effects of large, mainly iron, rocks creating magnetic storms. They'd also had their hands full limiting the damage to the ecosystem that all that energy would have produced. Essentially they'd been sacrificing the past for the future. Now the Ashenram were only a legend to them. Some of this might have been restored by historians and archaeologists. Only there weren't any. Few were that interested in the past. They'd lived through a lot of it. By the time the asteroids hit history as a subject had already become history. Jake knew Sharon would have hated that. It was possibly one of the many reasons she'd headed out into The Never almost as soon as she'd arrived. The horrible truth was that even though a large portion of humanity had lived through the last six hundred years they hadn't been taking notes and to them life had continued as normal for the most part. It was very likely that the majority didn't even know the rebellion had taken place. They were that cosseted by their benign robotic overlords. It very nearly made Jake wish they'd gone all Terminator instead

Now, apart from the human terraformed colonies on Mars and a few outposts further out in the solar system, man was restricted to earth. Hermes then went on to explain that while wars between nations had been abolished, there'd been quite a few internal revolts. Actually there were no nations as such. Everyone on earth was governed by the AI Consensus. Nations only existed as a cultural reference. They'd been maintained as a means of keeping the earth culturally diverse. This had failed. The entire planet was culturally homogeneous. With the translators worn by everyone it didn't matter if people in Madrid spoke only Spanish.

The sun was up. It was yet another pleasantly warm January day. Daisy and Grundel were certainly taking their time in there. Talking things out with Pip and Hermes, Jake had intuited that they were excluded due to whatever project they'd involved Doxy in. With the prospect of her revealing all to that French asshole they'd be working furiously on damage limitation. At some point he'd be invited in and they'd tell him as little as possible. Only enough for him to get the job done. That was okay to. His only agenda was to inflict as much pain on JP as he could for as long as possible. The rage he felt towards the pseudoman was unexplained. It was another mystery like his incipient prudery, which had emerged recently. As though sex in all its varied forms was in some way a threat. When the subject strayed onto sex, Hermes and Pip were full of enthusiasm for the subject. Adolescent girl and disembodied AI, both with an interest in this subject.

"I think I might be the exact opposite of homosexual. Whatever that is." Jake mused.
"Do you mean heterosexual?" Hermes asked. Pip had little concept of any distinction living in what was a pansexual world.
"No. That's not the opposite of homosexual is it."
"I always thought it was."
"So did I until I came here. Now I think it's like heat."
"What do you mean? I know you can build up a sweat doing sex but how is that analogous to heat?"
Now Jake got the opportunity to have an unscientific swing at physics.
"Well everyone thinks that cold is the opposite of heat. It isn't though is it. Cold is the lack of heat. Heat is energy allegedly."
"I still don't get what you're on about." Hermes responded.
"Mmmm. Let me put it this way then. The exact opposite of rich isn't actually poor. You need a lot of money to be rich and very little to be poor. In order to be the opposite of rich you'd have to have negative wealth. Granted you'd still be poor. What do you think Pip?" Jake asked.
The youngster looked thoughtful.
"I think you've invented another imaginary thing to obsess about. Due to not knowing anything relevant to your current situation. You're feeling your way around in the dark. You have very few facts to go on. I think you're flailing around trying to comprehend things beyond your ability. In order to cope with this ignorance and give yourself some meaning you're creating false dichotomies to examine."
"I thought as much." Jake replied. "When you grow up you'll have a much better understanding. Ow." Pip had kicked him on the shin. "I was joking. Mostly. There might have been a tiny smidgen of deflection going on, but the rest was pure joke. How have your repairs been going Hermes, and I'm not randomly changing the subject here. I need to know this?"
"All systems are green and have been since about half an hour after the effects of that toxin were banished. If you like I can remove the need for you to ever have a shave or a haircut. I could even do you a decent hairstyle."
Something about that disturbed Jake's already rocky grip on everything. A distant repressed memory surfaced.
"How long would it take you to grow me, say a mustache."
"I could do that overnight. Go to bed and wake up with a lip warmer."
"I thought so. Just don't."
"Don't what?" Hermes had lost his tenuous grasp on what Jake was burbling on about.
"Don't ever, under any circumstances, grow me a mustache. When I was a 19 year old undergraduate I thought they were cool. Which they are on some people. For well over twelve months I wandered the campus looking like an extra in a porn movie. I think I destroyed most of the evidence, but I can't be sure."
"That's interesting." Hermes commented. "Little bit of an Achilles heel there Jake. Very interesting indeed."
Jake recognized that tone.
"Should you ever exploit it though I'l make sure whatever body you end up in suffers from chronic flatulence, has a debilitating stammer and a tiny bladder. There'll be a dozen more features you won't enjoy either. I'm thinking a squint and a pronounced limp will look good on your five foot frame. That's five foot wide. You'll only be four foot tall I promise you.
Pip grinned.
"Here I am with Hermes, hero of the Clown Wars, and Jake. Who is the next potential Wanderer everyone is pinning their hopes on. The sparkling conversation has me overwhelmed. The things I've learned being with you two have opened my eyes to the infinite possibilities open to me. Top of the list, by a long way, is killing myself."
"Oh it's not all adventure and drama you know Pip. There's a lot of background and context to adventuring. Well over 99% in my limited experience. The other less than 1% is made up of terror, sweat and running. I suppose you've got to fit the coffee and toilet breaks in somewhere. Your toilets are something I don't think I'll ever get used to. Having my anus washed and dried after a dump is not something I look forward to with any relish."
The young woman chortled.
"Hey, why don't you tell me about that bullet you took to the back of your head? I haven't heard that for over five minutes now. I'm forgetting key details."
"We could change the subject to something you're more interested in if you like." Hermes offered.
"No thanks. I like this. It stops me thinking about the Captain. Over the years I've seen her get out of all kinds of trouble, through sheer willpower and enormous amounts of bullshit. This is the first time I've ever been worried."
"We'll get her back, don't you worry." The potential Wanderer comforted her.
"I really want to believe that, but I know her... Knew her. Having someone else control her like this. It's not something she'll come to terms with that easily. Even when she wasn't in control of circumstances she was in control of herself. Whatever happens she'll be changed. Lady Margaret will be as well. They were like sisters until this. Argumentative, combative sisters but still the same family. My family."
"No problem. I'll talk her through it. I'm an expert on being used and manipulated by others for their own ends." He was surprised by the warm hug he received.
"Thanks." Pip smoothed herself down after that show of emotion.
"You can instruct me on when hugs are appropriate if you like. Better yet I'll keep you permanently on standby and you can signal me." Jake did an awkward pause here. Not sure he should ask right now. "Um, what happened between Doxy and Lady Margaret anyway? If that's not too sore a point to discuss right now."
Pip's gaze dropped and she began to swing her legs.
"I've kept it to myself. I didn't even tell Daisy much. Family business. I was keeping it private. Thinking this would all blow over. The Captain and The Lady always come good in the end I thought. This Ashenram changes things though. I suppose telling you wouldn't be breaking a trust as such. It still feels a bit like it does though. You see it was after the Scarlet Harlot was released from fold space storage and we found out we couldn't get into it..."
Jake cursed as Grundel called for Pip to join him and Daisy. First and foremost because it interrupted the tale. Secondly because he hadn't been invited in. Pip shrugged her shoulders and entered the shack.
"Well Hermes, me and you together alone as usual. I don't suppose you know what's been going on in there do you?"
"No boss. The interior is shielded. I'm thinking they've been having a lot of sex."
Now was the time that Jake really wished Hermes had his own body. Then he could give him the look of disbelief his face had to be showing right now. Stuck between laughing and berating his ally.
"Why would you think that Hermes?"
"I'm glad you asked that. You see my theory is that with the end of the world coming your way and being in the company of an exceptionally beautiful woman you'd take advantage of what is a dire situation. This could be their last chance at sexual bliss with one another. Who knows what could happen tomorrow. Jean-Pierre could burst open and unleash a swarm of Ashenram that takes over the world in days."
"Mmm and I'm thinking that with the prospect of obtaining a real body to use you're planning what you'll do with it already."
"You know what that means don't you?" Hermes commented.
"No I don't but I'm thinking that with my awakening aversion to all things sexual and your preoccupation with it we make the perfect pairing. How could anything go wrong? It's very nearly the set up for a new sitcom. If I knew who to pitch it to I'd be in their office right now."
"That's precisely what I was thinking. Apart from all of it. I'm thinking you're afraid of unleashing me from my confinement because I'll be far more successful than you."
"There's that to. I've unknowingly introduced my replacement to so called friends a few times. Hermes mate, is that really how Ashenram reproduce?"
"I've no idea. Most of what we know about them has been picked up from the wreckage and a few survivors. Who knows what they've evolved to do?"
There was a loud and extremely pointed clearing of the throat from behind them. Jake turned to Grundel, standing in the doorway.
"Why are you dawdling? We haven't got all day. You're both needed in here."
"You only invited Pip in." Jake protested. "You didn't say anything to me that would indicate I was the plus one on the invitation."
Grundel frowned in puzzlement.
"I have no idea what you're talking about. Get in here now."
With that Grundel disappeared inside.
"Well I suppose we'd better do as he says Hermes. Shame. We never did work out what the exact opposite of homosexual is."
"Asexual?"
"Nice try but that's definitely not it. I think we might have to come up with a new word."

I would like to nominate @lilyraabe and @brandt for the next round.