Comedy Open Mic Round 36 : OVER THE SILVER SKY TO THE WORLD OF NEVER : Part 58 - You Mucky Little Devil.

NEW, from the team that gave you Hitler the Hamster, comes an entirely original concept (I don't care what his lawyers say). Introducing PICKLES THE RACIST GNOME. It's for kids. Pickles will be sharing his provocative racist, misogynist views with everyone. You try and stop him. Don't though, he's extremely violent even for a fictional character. I think we can swing this if we promote the illusion that it's educational. Teaching little tots who and how to hate. Rather than leaving it up to their parents to indoctrinate them. They'll get to hear, and see, Pickles opinions on Pixies, Fairies and Elves as well as a host of other imaginary creatures. We've already begun manufacturing life size Pickles soft toys that will drunkenly insult you before being sick in your lap. Think of the fun those kiddies will have painting racist banners and placards. This idea has got legs let me tell you. I'm not stupid though, if this doesn't come off I've already got another idea lined up called WHORE WAR. It's only in the conceptual stage at the moment, but we've got a good feeling in the office about that one. It's a game and a virulently violent assault on a despised minority. All we've got to do before we launch, is tailor it for kids and make it look educational. (Please note how I've made this Halloween themed with absolutely no effort on my part. Aren't I a scamp?)

(The copyright for this image is the property of Halloween Costumes.)

"Let's use this transportation device to get to this bank then." Jake enthused. Now that the misunderstanding about sex booths had been negotiated, he needed to change the subject as soon as possible.
Grundel shook his head.
"Alternatively we could take the elevator and avoid setting off every alarm in the city. While my version of the wrist gadget can whisk you anywhere, the standard model is only ever used either to enter the megapolis dome or move from one circle to another. The outer limits are accessible to everyone. As you get deeper inside the restrictions increase."
"Okay fine." Jake intoned in a way that meant it was anything but. "So what's with the entrance I've seen that appears and disappears?"
"That is activated from inside the dome. Then it's only for selected people."
"You really go out of your way to make everything as complicated as possible don't you. Is that typical of machine consciousnesses."
The artificial human looked offended.
"It most certainly is not. The complications arise through dealing with humans. If there's a rule they'll either break or subvert it for their own enjoyment. Especially where Outers are concerned. The inhabitants of Port Bristol have a habit of ignoring anything they don't understand. Which is more or less anything."
"I see I've touched a raw nerve there Grundel. I didn't mean any offence."
He genuinely hadn't. It was fun watching a meat robot being uncomfortable though. The simulacrum brushed himself down unnecessarily. The mixture of AI and human was adorable in him.
"If you'll enter the elevator we can be on our way."
Directions would have been handy. Jake looked from side to side before looking round.
"There's no. Holy hatstands." There right behind him was a clear cylinder, that hadn't been there before. The side nearest him appeared to be open. "A cautionary warning would have helped. That thing could have shot right up my rear pipe and squished me against the ceiling."
"No it couldn't. As I've already told you the Consensus is well aware of human stupidity. Stick up a sign saying don't stand here and they'll queue up to find out what happens if they do. You'd have thought evolution would have sorted that out wouldn't you, but no."

They both stepped into the elevator together. An action which Jake instantly thought better of as things happened. The elevator was to all intents and purposes invisible from inside. His eyes told him he was descending at great velocity, his sense of motion told him he wasn't moving. While his stomach was telling him to throw up. All the way down Jake emitted a low groan. One that increased in pitch until the damn thing slammed into the ground. His knees gave even though there was zero impact. Had Grundel done that on purpose? If so, good for him. No harm done, aside from the sweat and mild heart attack. The transparent tube had disappeared. Leaving the question as to whether it had every existed in the first place. It might have been a cosmetic representation for human eyes to see, for all he knew. Having gathered together his scattered wits, Jake was now aware there were people. A relative crowd of individuals based on his experiences so far. A driverless car swooshed past with four people in it. He'd been tempted to step in front of the thing. Knowing it would automatically either stop or avoid him. The machines knew people were stupid. Was that how they'd taken over running the world of man?

Having regained the majority of his senses, he took the opportunity to soak up some of the atmosphere. A humbling experience. Grundel hadn't been kidding about exactly how deficient Jake was in the looks department. He imagined this was what it would be like in Beverly Hills. If a normal human being ever set foot there before extensive plastic surgery. Being ordinary he judged them as being shallow and lacking personality. Stupid to by the looks of it. Thank God the machines had a taken over. Doxy and her beau Jean-Pierre would have fitted in here as a couple. Scratch that. There were no couples. His first unconscious impression of individuals had been correct. Every person was alone, as far as he could tell. When he thought back even those people in the automated vehicle hadn't been looking at one another. He was used to seeing people talking to themselves, thanks to smartphones. Here they did that without them. Handy to know. If and when Hermes came back online he could disguise his conversations as external rather than internal ones. Sort out some kind of coded phrases for different eventualities.

A couple of minutes here and his already fragile ego was taking one hell of a beating. These people were more or less perfect. Surely his relative ugliness made him stand out? Yet few took much notice of him. Engrossed in their own little worlds. That woman had one of her boobs out. Her outfit leaving it open to the elements while the other was covered. Jarring, but not unpleasant. Particularly given that some of the men had crotchless pants. Their junk dangling there. Now that exposure left him feeling uncomfortable. Once he'd noticed the first of each "expression of individuality" he found many more. He also found that after repeated exposure to beauty they were beginning to look very similar to one another. There was some variation, enough to recognize someone; yet the eyes, noses, lips and chins looked too off the shelf. It wasn't depressing, more humbling. A tall, stunning black woman walked past, naked from the waist down. Wearing shoes that she must have needed a ladder to put on. They had to be almost a foot high. This would be a perverts heaven. So much so that they'd explode, in every sense of the word. Needing some respite from constantly being personally undermined by excellence, he looked up at the buildings.

"Shield your eyes." Grundel exclaimed, shoving his hand into Jake's face.
"What from?" Jake bleated in confusion. He'd been ogling partially naked ladies for the last five minutes.
"Subverts." His companion answered uselessly.
"Is that a thing or a group of people? I'm working in the dark here. Not helped by having your hand poking my eyes out."
Grundel fished in his pocket. He wasn't wearing his mechanical legs today.
"Subliminal adverts."
"I thought they didn't work. It's another of those urban myths."
His companion tutted, still delving into his pockets.
"Our version is a tiny bit more advanced than the one you're used to. By a few hundred years and a few thousand technological discoveries. They imprint on your brain patterns. After that when you go to sleep you dream of the product. The whole commercial playing out in your subconscious."
"Is that legal?" He queried.
"Yes. You can either block them or subscribe to regular updates. You don't have a neural net though. Ah here they are. Put these on."
He found himself being handed some glasses, with one hand while the other blocked whatever subvert was being pointed at him. They looked bloody hideous. Was his guide intentionally making him look inadequate, instead of simply feeling it? Jake put them on anyway. Wondering if Grundel had some buck teeth and sticky out ears in his other pockets. Perhaps a pair of shoes with vastly different sized heels to top off the ensemble.
"Let's move on shall we. How far is it to this bank?"
"Only a few minutes walk. I could have put us closer only you did say you wanted to look round."
"Me and my big mouth." Jake mumbled dejectedly.
"No you're mouth is small. Although that might be due to your thin lips. You've hardly got any at all."
Jake had to check. No, Grundel wasn't being deliberately offensive. He was being something far worse. Honest. What he wouldn't do for a nice social lie right now.

They moved on. Jake's gait becoming something of a problem. He felt like he couldn't walk properly. Constantly conscious of his legs. Previously they'd been his best feature. Now they didn't belong to him. Still the city was impressive. Elegantly tall buildings surrounded them. Always in the distance, never up close. Flickering with electronic billboards and news screens. If he looked at any one of them for more than an instant it would jump out at him. Expanding in size and definition. His escort, being this grotesque it seemed like Grundel was ensuring he didn't touch anything, explained the scrapers were projections. The tallest actual buildings on this level were 8 to 10 story's maximum. Eventually he supposed he'd become used to being the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Up ahead he spotted what had to be a sex booth. No great logical leap when the thing had the entire Kama Sutra emblazoned on its shell. High definition animated images of every sex position he could imagine. Oh God that was a goat. Surely that was akin to rape.

As they neared, aware of their previous conversation regarding the booths, he carefully averted his gaze. Concentrating instead on the pavement. Damn. It was a lot further away than he'd assumed. His gaze must have made those erotic scenes magnify. No dirt or dust on these walkways. They sure were clean. Spotless you could say. Something hissed in his ears. Fuck. What was happening now? They'd almost drawn level with the sex booth. He could tell by the way the sidewalk looked. Little lights and shadows being projected onto its surface. Now there was an echo. No, that was a voice far too low to be heard. One of those subverts had entered his unprotected brain, which being from a different dimension reacted differently to the thing. He was about to have a waking dream sponsored by some mega corporation. Funny how so often the worst thing you can think of turns out to be not as bad as what really happens.

"Testing, testing. Can you hear me out there? Jesus Christ, what have you been doing? I go offline for five minutes and you move everything. Some of these readings are off the charts. Hello? Are you listening to me Jake? It's me Hermes. No systemic faults. Are you giving me the silent treatment? It's not my fault transitions between dimensions buggers my operational efficiency up."
Oh not now. Not now. He kept his lizard thin lips still while trying to speak as quietly as possible.
"Now is not the tine. Gelieve nee Hernees."
Bollocks. Grundel's super senses picked that up meanwhile Hermes thought he'd suffered a stroke and was running checks.
"Not a problem Jake. We've got plenty of time. You've changed your mind about using a sex booth. I thought you would." Grundel advised.
"You mucky little devil." Hermes quipped. Jake was sure the nanites were laughing at him.
"No. I haven't changed my mind." Jesus, should he allow his tour guide to know he was carrying millions of tiny biological bots? "I was talking to myself.
"That's not all you've been doing to yourself I'll wager." Hermes cut in still chortling away.
"Shut up, shut up, shut up." The desperate human muttered.
Grundel, as so often, got hold of the entirely wrong end of the stick. Then set about beating Jake with it.
"Oh I see. You're tempted, but this weird aversion you have to sex with animals and those of the same gender is still stopping you. I can give you something for that. Enhances all your sensations. Once you've had one of these patches you'll be more than willing to give anything a try."
"No. I assure you I do not want to use a sex booth with anyone or anything. I am not interested in them in any way."
"Ooooo you liar." Hermes crowed. "I can't keep you out of them."
Jake double face palmed.
"Oh for fuck sake. Why is there never a sniper around when you need one?"

I would like to nominate @kendama-odyssey and @acolucky for the next round.