Comedy Open Mic Round 34 : OVER THE SILVER SKY TO THE WORLD OF NEVER : Part 49 - This Is All Part Of The Show.

I am completely awesome, so ignore anything those women said. It's all lies, especially about the size of my penis. Last Friday, three days ago, I revealed that another royal wedding had taken place. (Go and read that now so I'll look more successful than I actually am). I predicted that this was all part of a plan by the British royal family to take over the world. Today the world learned that Harry and Meghan are expecting their first child. Yes that's correct. This ginger/human hybrid is all part of their cunning plot to rule the world (AGAIN). Now that they've successfully mated a beautiful human woman with a ginger they will move on. If you've read my post from last Friday, which I urge you to do (while your there upvote the author and send him lots of money) you will know the squirrels are in an unholy alliance with the royal family. Now it's only a matter of time before there are hordes of human/ginger/squirrel hybrids (Some of those fucking squirrels are gingers to so you know they are pure evil). It's the perfect time for their plot. As winter draws in there is far less chance those recessive ginger genes will make them all burst into flames at the first sign of ultraviolet light. I'm not saying we are doomed, but we are totally fucked. These are the last days of humanity I tell ya.

(The copyright for this image is the property of EPA.)

"Let me see if I've got this straight." Jake was finding this latest revelation hard to swallow. "You want me for a suicide mission you're contractually obliged to do within the next two days. You don't need me you want me. Because I will come in handy as a decoy for the drones and bots to shoot at." Doxy nodded. "I'm still not seeing this as my problem. I have the choice of remaining here safe and sound or risking certain death purely for entertainment purposes."
Doxy butted in.
"Even if they kill you there's a very good chance we'll be able to heal you. Provided enough of you is left to work on. As long as you aren't blown to pieces there's at least a 50% chance we'll bring you back to some state resembling life.
"Fifty percent?" He asked doubtfully. "Guaranteed?"
"Fifteen minimum."
"You're not really selling this to me. Is that deliberate?"
"Not entirely. Come on. Why do you eat so slowly? It's like you don't like eating."
"I knew you had a problem with the way I eat."
"No. I have a problem with the speed with which you eat. That's different. Come on get it down your neck. Tell you what. If you can finish that within two minutes I'll tell you everything."
"Everything? Absolutely no secrets?"
"I swear by the code."
Jake mulled that over.
"This unbreakable code, you pretty much make it up as you go along don't you."
"Yes, but I always stick to it. Now how about getting that food down your neck."
"Okay. I'm still not going with you though. I might once you've told me everything. I still reserve the right to unvolunteer myself from the suicide mission."
"Sure."
Jake wasn't fully comfortable with this. Surely it wouldn't hurt to humor her here. What harm could it do?

It was only when he regained consciousness, several hours later, that Jake understood how wrong his reasoning was. She was taking no chances this time. The chains connecting him to the bunk, on the top floor of the tavern, were proof of that. He tugged on them experimentally. Yes they were very secure. He frantically pulled on them with all his strength for a couple of minutes. They were extremely secure. No matter which way he looked at this it was inevitable that he was going on this suicide mission. Daylight outside though. Nobody would storm that highly secure facility in broad daylight. Doxy was courageous, she wasn't insane. Not certifiably at least. Dangerously eccentric at worst. A lying, cheating, thieving woman with dubious morals. Still, at least she hadn't striped him naked. He had a few hours at most to come up with some means of escape. He'd done it before. Deep down he'd thought his desperate struggles to free himself would have activated the super senses and slowed time down again. Or alternatively bring forth some other Hermes induced power he was unaware of. It looked as if those emergency protocols only worked if his life was in immediate lethal danger.

"I'll let the Captain know you're awake." Pip's voice informed him.
Jake looked around the room, not finding her until he tilted his head back. She was sitting cross legged at the top of the bunk he was chained to.
"Look Pip I know you're completely loyal to your Captain. I'm not going to try to bribe you or anything like that. I know it wouldn't work. However if you release me now I promise not to beat the crap out of you. What do you think?"
"It's tempting. No that's not the word I'm looking for. Stupid that's it. I always get them mixed up."
"Well off you pop then. Let the boss know I'm awake."
Jake cunningly played for time.
"She already knows." Doxy explained as she appeared at the top of the stairs. "Are you simple minded? This is the twenty first century. We have communication devices that don't involve shouting, horse riding couriers or carrier pigeons. Even though your dimension of origin is regarded as being primitive, backward and extremely retarded even you have invented phones."
"You drugged me." Jake stated sulkily. "It could be the after effects of whatever drug that was."
Doxy shook her head.
"Technically speaking I did not drug you. I merely placed several chemicals in your meal which were harmless and would only be activated by digestion. Your own body produced the drug. All I did was give it the ingredients."
"And I suppose that technically speaking you haven't broken the code either. The unbreakable code of honor you swore on."
"I had my fingers crossed. It doesn't count then."
"Right. I'm left wondering which part of your unwritten code that's in Doxy. You might think you've won but really you've lost. I'm not risking my life for fuck all. I'm not helping you. You have a limited time to do this jail break, for contractual reasons. Which I still can't get my head around. I'll wait here until you get back or die. Then make my way back into the city."
He didn't like the look of that shit eating grin on her face.
"You can't go back inside without me. I've made sure of that."
"Bullshit."
"Are you willing to take that chance?"
"You know what? Yes I am. In an infinite universe everything is possible. I'll see you. If you get back."
"Pip can you give us a moment in private here. I need a heart to heart with our reluctant hero." Doxy watched Pip descend the stairs before turning to Jake with an even worse smile. Quicker than thought, the shiny sharp blade of a sword was at his throat. "Do as I ask or I'll cut your fucking head off."
Overcoming his initial shock, Jake responded well, he thought.
"Go ahead. I'd rather die quick and clean here than slow and messy tonight."
Her next smile was beautiful. One could say angelic. Which was why he suddenly felt those tendrils of fear reaching up his spine.
"I can make this as slow and messy as you like Jake. I reckon I could peel off at least half your skin before you died."
"Eat shit and die." Loud and with a lot more confidence than he actually felt. Her demeanor changed. Doxy returned her cutlass to it's tiny fold space scabbard and took a seat on the bunk next to him. Her voice low and reasonable as she spoke directly into his ear. "Relax, This is all part of the show. They are absolutely loving all this interplay. In a bit I'll say something about this being for Pip and you'll have a change of heart. It's all a set up Jake. There won't be any casualties. It only has to look good. There'll be a lot of pyrotechnics and explosions. A few thousand rounds of blanks will be used. It's not real. Like I told you, it's only for the purposes of entertainment. Nobody is going to get hurt. Do you really think I'd risk Pip's life even if it was for the sake of my crew. What kind of captain would that make me."
That appeared to make sense. Despite her tough as nails facade Doxy cared about Pip.
"Okay." Jake whispered back.
"Good lad. Right now when I stand up you say that out loud so they'll pick it up."
"So they're recording all this already? Where are the camera's and the sound equipment?"
"Yes, This has all been a performance from the point we brought you here. Remember not to break that fourth wall though. We've got to make this look as realistic as possible to our sponsors. Only the team know the real details. We can't let anyone outside know the real deal." Saying that she stood up and assumed her power pose. "So you lily livered coward will you come with us on our suicide mission?"
"Okay. You've persuaded me." Doxy immediately released him. Jake rubbed his bruised wrists. "I thought you said you'd say something about this being for Pip's sake."
"There's no time. We've got other scenes to perform. We can redo this later then edit it in. Now we meet up with the rest of the team."
"Which consists of me, you, Pip, Slayer and who else?"
"Nobody. We can't risk too many people knowing this is all faked."
"I suppose it looks better and they can CGI others into the final movie."
"What? Oh yeah they'll GCY everything."
Jake felt in need of some notes.
"My character that I'm playing, are there any characteristics I should make use of to make this more realistic?"
"Just go with your instincts. Yours is a minor part but still vital to the scenario."
They set off down the stairs.
"So where we going?" Jake asked.
"We're going to assault the prison."
He stopped on steps.
"In broad daylight?"
"Yes. They wouldn't be able to film it in the dark. They'll add the darkness in the editing process. It's the movies Jake. Nothing is real."
That fitted he supposed.
"Okay, cool. I'll need a weapon though won't I."
She gave him a long serious look.
"That wouldn't be wise. Have you ever been in a fire fight? Thought not. We'll be using real weapons. They won't. You could get over excited and end up genuinely hurting someone. Don't worry you'll be fine. Now follow me."
They exited the tavern and made their way towards the prison. Ten minutes later they reached a bunker door of some sort. Pip was waiting for them there.
"Where's Slayer?" Jake inquired.
Pip waved over to the right, where Jake spotted what might be him. It was either a very dangerous looking robot or Slayer in full mechanized armor. Doxy and Pip combined their skills to break in to the bunker itself. Inside there was absolutely nothing of interest, apart from a small circular shaft at chest height and only about 30 centimeters wide. Pip climbed up into it. Doxy then turned to Jake.
"Okay. Pip is going to crawl through the access port and into the underground workings where she'll deactivate part of the security fencing and the guard towers. I'll get into the prison through there while you and Slayer distract the drones that will be heading our way as soon as Pip's work sets off every alarm."
She placed a hand on his shoulder.
"Okay so what do I do?"
"Any second now those alarms will trip. The bots and drones will head directly here. All you have to do is distract them long enough for me to enter the prison and release my crew. Doxy guided him to the door. "When I tell you, make a run for it. Your best bet is to head over to where Slayer will be dismantling the ground troops and mechanoids they'll dispatch."
"Got it. Any last tips before I set off?" Jake stepped outside the door and turned to her as a siren went off in the distance."
"No not really. Oh I forgot."
"Yes."
"That tale I told you to get you here was complete bullshit. Those metal boys will be coming in hot."
"Wha.." The steel door slammed in his face and he heard the lock being engaged. "You lying, conniving, duplicitous bi..."
All hell broke loose before he could shout any more insults. His communicator crackled into life.
"Don't just stand there dumbass, run for your life."

I would like to nominate @berniesanders and @shepz1 for the next round